Family Scapegoat - difficulty processing the one-sided narratives

[LeVentFou]

I recently discovered that I am the scapegoat in my family-of-origin. I am finding it difficult to process my behaviors towards members of my family-of-origin during childhood. I know and own that I wounded my parents and brother, but I am not sure what to do with my parent's one-sided narrative that says "I am THE problem. ...the only reason for why we are unable to share a healthy relationship as a family.

For context, here are some of the things I own from my childhood.
- I verbally expressed my anger (rage) to my parents. I would often swear at them. At my most extreme moments, I would even express intentions to harm my parents, or that I wish they were dead.
- I kicked holes in drywall and damage material property.
- I had a few physical altercations with my father during childhood. Neither of us suffered any bodily harm, but it certainly impacted both of us emotionally.
- I bullied my younger brother throughout our childhood. I lorded over and bossed him around. I tied him to a chair once and squirted ketchup on his head and body.
-  Last year, I called my dad an idiot and spoke harshly to my mom. I was sharing marital frustrations with them and they responded with blame-shifting.

I recognize and fully own that all of the above behaviors were wrong and inappropriate. Thankfully, my brother and I have reconciled our relationship. We have mutually loved one another well as adults. As for my parents, there is no relationship. We have no contact with one another; however, they continue to do harm.

I recently went through a divorce. During the divorce process, while working  through the custody of my youngest child, my ex-wife asked my parents if they would be willing to submit affidavits on her behalf. I believe her intention was to keep me from having any legal custody of our youngest child, and to control the amount of time and scheduling of visitations with him. Ultimately, my parents agreed to participate and they submitted their individual affidavits against me to the court on my birthday. I am still blow away when I consider that my parents sent their usual happy birthday text messages at 6:00am, and then sent their affidavits to my wife's attorney around noon that day. I didn't get to read my parent's submissions initially, but six months later I was able to obtain copies through my attorney. I was floored by what I read. My parent's words were a combination of truth and lies. Some of the events described were accurate and others were either imagined or outright lies. In short, it was abundantly clear to me that they feel I am"the problem" in our dysfunctional family as well as my marital family. From my perspective, their words were meant to convey to the court that they are well meaning and generally good parents who suffered a horrible child that has become a horrible adult -- even to the extent of referring to me as "mentally ill."

Now that my marriage is over and my relationship with my parents has deteriorated to the point of zero communication, I have experienced a lot of grief, anger, and confusion. I have invested (and continue to invest) in healing. I am in counseling and invest a significant amount of time and energy doing the work that is needed to thrive, heal, and move towards wholeness. Even so,  the one nagging question that I haven't fully answered for myself yet is what I want to do with all of the awful claims from my parents and my ex-wife. I own that I behaved horribly towards my parents, my brother, and my wife, but I also believe their blaming, shaming, and scapegoating is part of our shared story as well. Relationships aren't one-sided, nor black and white, in my opinion. The fact that my parents' refuse to hear and accept anything other than their one-sided narrative has been very hard to live with. I want to believe they are good people, but I am finding it harder and harder to do so. Worse yet, I am confused and don't trust them nor their perspective on me as a person, husband, father, etc. I welcome whatever you have to offer, even if you imagine your offering would not be well received by me. My goal is to learn, heal, and thrive, so feel free to push back on anything I've conveyed. Thank you.

[NarcKiddo]

Hello and welcome.

As you say, relationships are not one-sided. Of course it is possible that you are the main source of problems but since you have reconciled with your brother it seems obvious to me that you are capable not only of having a loving relationship but are capable of mending a relationship that has had problems. That does not speak to me of somebody who is 100% at the root of any relationship problem.

I am glad to hear that you are in counselling and my immediate reaction is that there may well have been issues in the family as you grew up and your violent reactions were a symptom rather than a cause. Have you discussed any of this with your brother? Do you have memories of what it was like growing up in your family as a younger child? How your parents related to each other, to you and to your brother? Did your parents notice or do anything about the bullying you say you did to your brother? Thinking about these sorts of things may provide you with some clarity, but it is possible that you had traumatic experiences as a child. As such I would recommend you go slowly and carefully if you are going to try to dredge up memories that may be forgotten. It might be wise to involve a therapist/counsellor to help with this sort of thing if you are not already doing this with the counsellor. The resources on this site may well have information that is useful for you when considering the behaviour of other family members and how you did/do react to it.

I am no expert but it seems to me that you need to understand yourself and your narrative fully before you start working out how your parents' perspective fits into the picture. Only then will you likely have enough knowledge to consider whether and how you wish to conduct the relationship with your parents going forward. You are now at the point of zero communication with them. You may not want that to remain the case but while it is the case you at least have breathing space to explore everything fully without constant interruption of their narrative, which sounds harsh and blaming. It is right that you acknowledge and own bad behaviour on your part, but I think you also need to understand why you behaved that way. Understanding does not necessarily excuse the behaviour (though it might) but without understanding I don't see how you can move forward.

Others, I am sure, will have much wiser advice for you, but those are my initial thoughts. I wish you well and hope you can find comfort and clarity as you move forward. In the meantime I think you will find everyone on this site to be friendly and supportive.

[Preamble]

LaVentFou  that sounds beyond painful about the affidavit, such a betrayal.   I am sorry you have had to go through this.

Reading your account, something stands out as missing.  You have "owned" what you used to do, but you have not described how you were scapegoated.  Did they bait you?  Were you the only one ever in trouble?  What was happening just before you became destructive, how were you triggered? 

[LeVentFou]

Thank you NarcKiddo and Preamble for your replies.

@ NarcKiddo: thank you for your helpful questions that I can use to help bring clarity to my healing work. My brother and I have had a few discussions concerning our childhood, but I wasn't able to go too deep with him. After a few conversations,  it was obvious to me that my brother's participation was self-sacrificial. When I asked my brother about how he was experiencing our conversation he confirmed my assumption, so we mutually agreed to leave our childhood experiences out of our discussions for now. I made it clear that the door is open on my end, and that I am willing to participate if he needed my help or support in the future.

I appreciate your other thoughtful questions as well. There is a lot to consider in what you shared - thank you. From my perspective, everything you offered is not only helpful, it's a gift. I am grateful that you took the time to reply and offer what you had to share. Thank you.



@ Preamble: One of the interesting things about the betrayal is that I experienced the emotions of betrayal immediately; however, I needed help from others before I fully understood and embraced that I had been betrayed my parents.  Thank you for seeing me in my reality.

I was treated differently than my brother as a child. You nailed it - yes, I was the only one who was ever in trouble. It was so extreme that my paternal grandmother privately expressed to me that she was upset about how my parents treated me. I didn't fully recognize how significant it was for her to comment at the time, but I am now blown away by what she did for me. It was way out of character for my grandmother to do so. My grandmother was a deeply respectful and caring woman. I can think of only one time that she had negative or harsh words for others, and she was particularly careful with her words concerning family. In fact, every time she noticed that I was angry she would say, "don't forget, you'll get more bees with honey than vinegar."  I also know how highly she regarded my dad. She once told me that she only had to get after him once. I didn't initially believe her claim, but I now believe it was reasonably accurate. All of this to me is evidence that my grandmother stepped far outside her norm to love me in a way that I am just now beginning to see and understand. I think she clearly understood the harm my parents were doing and decided that it was important for me to hear the truth from someone who loved me. The fact that my grandmother was willing to risk the consequences of speaking against my parents informs me that she witnessed my reality - that i was treated unfairly and differently than everyone else in my family. What an amazing gift!

[Preamble]

Laventfou your grandmother sounds like a very significant person in your life, I so wish I had had someone like that.  I think it will "grow" somehow, as you continue bonding with her inwardly, and your parents will kind of shrink.   You have every reason to feel hopeful

I am in a similar position with my adult children - they have an abusive father but it would be damaging to them for me to tell them directly. Is it the Buddhists who have an image of the lotus growing through the muck?  It is like that.  The child has to age out of the nonsense and then see that something else was "with" them all along.

[NarcKiddo]

I am glad to read that your paternal grandmother loved you. Mine also loved me and I was lucky enough to spend quite a lot of time staying in my grandparents' home on my own without any of my immediate family present. She never spoke about how my parents treated me but she acted very differently. When she came to stay at our house when I was small I gravitated to her. I used to have terrible screaming tantrums when I was very young and I can remember her kindly bringing me out of them when my mother had no clue how to handle me. I credit all of my emotional awareness and what ability I have to handle myself to my grandmother. When doing inner child work, or if I need comfort going to sleep, it is to her house that I go in my mind.

You say it is a gift, and it is. Hold onto that.