I got a letter in the mail

[easterncappy]

It was my birthday a couple of weeks ago. After my birthday, I got those nasty texts from my mom accusing me of being pathetic and stealing money from her. Yesterday, I get a package and I panicked because her name is on it... and I opened it. I don't know why I did that. There were some Amazon gift cards, a Christmas card, and a letter. The letter is all about how much she loves me, how she wants to understand what happened between us, how she wants to know I'm okay, how she didn't intend to hurt me in any way, how she hopes we can talk about what's wrong. Again, days after verbally abusive texts.

I cried. My husband told me to sit on it for a few days because I started talking about how I want to write her a letter back (I'm over it now). I don't know. How could she say all of those things? They were lovely things to say, but it's hard to take them too seriously when I remember how terrible my childhood is and how terribly she's treated me. I don't know how I could ever move past any of this even if she was being genuine, which I doubt she is... but of course, I'm only human, and I love my mom. I want everything in the letter to be true. But I suspect it isn't.

Where do I go from here? I guess I just need to hear that it's pointless to engage with any of this stuff. My husband also said that if it's legitimate, she'll try again later and there won't be verbally abusive texts in between the attempts.

[Gwendolyn]

Hello easterncappy

Glad you shared this strange and inconsistent behavior with us.  I can understand why it would male you cry.  I also think your husband Sounds very wise in counseling patience and a "wait and see" approach.

Is it possible your mom is being passive-aggressive with a sprinkle of gaslighting?

Part of my own re-parenting process involves checking in with my body and seeing where I am feeling my feelings and trying to be supportive of my inner child as I cycle through: numbness, tightness, stabbing pains, throat constructions and flushing in my face.

Coming Out of the FOG for me is all about ME 

My recovery will take as long as it takes and it doesn't surprise me at all that the personality disordered people in my life flare up around birthday's and holidays.  In your case it seems like a double-wammy.

Taking time to assess and acknowledge your feelings surrounding  the mean texts an the unexpected gift and letter is probably a really good idea.  Coming Out of the FOG  will definitely help with pattern recognition and possibly your mom is being sincerely herself in both instances.... and that's the potential reality.

I'm sorry this is happening to you and there is no right way to proceed.  However being kind to yourself and realizing your emotional reactions are trying to tell you something is very important.  Keep reaching out here and together we are learning new ways to thrive despite the behaviors of our disordered family members and/or friends.

Take good care

Gwendolyn

[Srcyu]

Your husband sounds fantastic.
I'm sorry your mother made you cry. It sounds like love bombing in the letter. I went through something similar a while ago. These mothers like to think that they know us, that we can be drawn back in any time they choose.

All they know is who we used to be.

The nasty texts were driven by vicious thoughts, expressions of how dark she can become. She wasn't afraid to send them because she believed that she would get away with it. She expected you to take all her bile like you have probably done so before.
Then, she attempts to draw you in again - like a smiling bully.

Your husband can see through her. You are so lucky to have his calm guidance.

[Zia]

Your husband sounds fantastic.
I'm sorry your mother made you cry. It sounds like love bombing in the letter. I went through something similar a while ago. These mothers like to think that they know us, that we can be drawn back in any time they choose.

All they know is who we used to be.

The nasty texts were driven by vicious thoughts, expressions of how dark she can become. She wasn't afraid to send them because she believed that she would get away with it. She expected you to take all her bile like you have probably done so before.
Then, she attempts to draw you in again - like a smiling bully.

Your husband can see through her. You are so lucky to have his calm guidance.

I agree here.
They like to act like everything is normal like they did not hurt you. Like they can always get free pass for their BS.

It is lovebombing. It is trying to bait you and suck you back in to their dysfunction. Your body would sometimes tell you if something is not right. Also i you yourself do not feel at peace about the whole thing. Then your husband is right in advising to step back, assess and wait and see how she acts when you're not falling for their manipulation.

[Andeza]

Hmmm, let's see, let's put it to a litmus test. How sincere is she? Has she filed for divorce from her husband and turned him into the police as a child abuser?

If the answer is no, then what has actually changed? Nothing but the way she's playing that smallest violin in the world...  I would trash the letter if nothing has been done. My personal rule is keep cash and gift cards, void and destroy checks.

[Cat of the Canals]

This is textbook. When my mother doesn't get her way, she throws epic tantrums and lobs abuse at the entire family, hoping we'll all gather 'round and "fix" whatever is displeasing her. Now that her children are adults, it doesn't always work the way she thinks it will. The last time she did it, I simply went on with my business and let her stew in her own nastiness.

And let me tell you, the exact second she figured out her tantrum wasn't working, she immediately switched to lovebombing. Which, ironically, made me angrier. Because it yet again showed how much her behavior is a choice. I could finally see how manipulative she is, and how the entire thing was about controlling me. Again. The same way she's been trying to control me my entire life.

Not only that, but she thinks I'm stupid enough to fall for it. She thinks I'll forget/overlook the horrible things she said and did because NOW she's being sweet. She thinks my self esteem is so low (thanks to her careful work all those years) that I won't even know I'm deserving of an apology. The more layers you peel back, the uglier it gets.

[lkdrymom]

I assume she send the package after the texts? Trying to make up for what she said without apologizing?   My feeling on apologies is that they are for accidentally hurting someone.  I don't think it is possible to apologize when you do something to purposely hurt someone.

[easterncappy]

Yes, I'm lucky to have my husband. He's very good at reading people. He's done it before. He wouldn't tell me he disapproves of certain friends I've had, but he's basically been able to smell that they have PD traits and he'd point it out... then things always blew up, I realized he was right, and since then, I hear him out a lot more when he's uncomfortable with someone being in our lives. His mom is also severely PD and despite him being younger than me, he has quite a few years on me of dealing with PD people. He figured it out a lot sooner than I did and basically ran away from home as soon as he turned 18 and has been great with boundaries with his mom and the rest of his family since then.

That being said, I think I'm going to write a response to my mom - but keep it to myself. Just to sort out my thoughts about what she said to me. I keep replying to it in my brain. I need to just write it out. Like "I'm the most important person in the world to you? I think you're the most important person in the world to you". Stuff like that. It's increasingly mind-boggling the longer I sit on it.

I'm almost tempted to send her a brief list of my requirements for reconciliation. Genuine heartfelt apology, divorcing my dad, reporting him to the police, also reporting herself to the police for allowing molestation and child neglect to happen in her house, time served, therapy together... and then maybe there's a sliver of hope. But leave me alone until you're ready to do exactly that.

I felt really weird reading the letter. It reminded me of how she'd corner me just to tell me how much she loves me and how I'm so special to her. It made me want to throw up when that would happen in person. Literally made my skin crawl. Because I knew it was fake - this is the same woman that I had The Talk with almost 10 years ago, where I opened up to her about the abuse she allowed to happen and often participated in, and she empathized for a couple of hours before turning the blame around on me. I'm gonna stop right here - everyone who reads my posts knows how much of a colossal hypocrite she is.

Ugh. Lovebombing is just sick. I cried while reading it because I so desperately wanted it to be true. But it isn't. And she KNOWS what she did wrong. I've told her too many times to count.

And yes she sent it after the texts.

I'm sorry for not replying individually. I have a baby who got her first ever cold and I'm trying to catch up on laundry. Lol. Appreciate you all though <3

[easterncappy]

I have a question for anyone who has gone no contact and sent a letter. I apologize for any typos because I'm using voice to text. If you sent a letter, did you feel good about it? Do you feel like it did anything? Was it a waste of time? Would you recommend it? I know that this is a hot topic in forums for people who have been abused by their parents, and usually the recommendation is to not do it. And a couple of days ago, I would totally have agreed with that. It's just on the inside, I'm very torn. I really want to send her a letter. I'm like 90% convinced it wouldn't do anything, because she already knows all the reasons and doesn't care. But in her letter she did ask questions. And a part of me wants to answer them. What do you think?

[Srcyu]

Those that say, 'don't do it' (myself included) have actually done it. My NPD mother started the letter writing. The urge to write back is strong because many things need to be said without interruption. It is a way of letting a lot of things out when otherwise you may have struggled to be heard.

There's a good chance that it will become vicious at some point. Things about your parent's view of you that you always suspected - will be there in black and white. You will be able to review all this vitriol at your leisure.
It will do nothing in the long run to improve your relationship but it will help you to stop stewing about things previously left unsaid.

[moglow]

Personal experience: I didn't put in writing other than a letter I read to mother directly (so I could gather my thoughts head of time - I refused to leave it with her). She picked it apart and ultimately lost her shit - which is what had led me to this confrontation in the first place. She remembered things very differently or not at all, whichever made me the bad guy. Every question I answered only raised more unanswerable questions (I. E. She disagreed and demanded I change my answers to suit her).

Mother's very much my way or the highway, you agree with her 100% or you're her enemy and out to make her look bad. She dredged up a shitton of things I supposedly did to her over the years. No recognition that she's the parent or that even compassion was due on both sides. I dared speak up and differ from her view of herself and must be punished. I was therefore at fault for everything real or imagined and she let me have it. She later called every family member she could and told them id attacked her. A few actually called and demanded I apologize - for telling the truth? For believing she was wrong, that the abuse didnt happen? For refusing to sit there and take it?

Anyway, I honestly don't know what good a letter will do. It'll get your feelings out there, but you've told her already. Repeatedly. She's still going to read what she reads into it and odds of her actually doing anything to make this right between you? I'm guessing limited at best.

Will I ever share that with mine again? Nope, it's not worth it. But that's just me.

[Preamble]

My person-of-interest has been sending me syrupy messages because they want something.  Anyone reading these, on their own, would want (me) to give them the benefit of the doubt.  You have to know the whole person, over time, and newcomers just cannot see that even though it is blindingly obvious, even to them, if they did give it some thought.  Denial 

I am sorry this is happening for you

[Andeza]

I sent an email. I spent an hour or two composing it, walked away and came back a few times to reread. I explained why, offered the avenue of return, and three years later to my knowledge she hasn't done any of that. I blocked her right after I hit send. I wasn't looking for a reply, no begging, no long winded explanations. I wanted actions and nothing short of that would matter.

I don't regret sending the email, and it didn't set off a cascade of back-and-forth communications because she could not respond.

The only reason to send a letter for NC is to say your piece and get some measure of closure for yourself, because 99% of the time the PD individual is unwilling to do any work on themselves. There's no point in sending a letter hoping for a miraculous turnaround really.

[easterncappy]

Thank you everyone for your responses. I think I like Andeza's idea... I want to explain to my mom, very clearly, what needs to be done. I've told her the reasons I don't want my dad in my life, and several boundaries were very clearly explained. But I don't think I ever gave her a list of things that need to be done. I know she's not going to do them, but I want to do my due diligence here. What went wrong? I told you. How do you fix it? Let me tell you. Although my husband insists I sit on it until I'm not obsessively thinking about it anymore. Because I do keep going back and forth. I do want to tell her: You need to apologize to me, specifically tell me what you did wrong and why it was wrong, divorce your husband, file a police report and testify truthfully if needed, and slowly build up contact until I feel like you're even remotely trustworthy. It'll never happen but she'll know what she needs to do then.

I personally don't care if she smears me to the whole family. Half of them live in another country, the other half I just... won't answer the phone. Honestly, I barely talked to them before I went NC and I know they're all lost causes. So deep in the familial dysfunction that there's no point in trying to get to them. My cousin was raised in the exact same dynamic I was - paranoid narcissistic mom who worships her husband, alcoholic and perverted narcissistic dad whose temper tantrums ruled the whole family, and she worships the ground her parents walk on. That type of thing. They're all like that. I know they'll take my mom's side and I can genuinely say I don't care if they do.

[NarcKiddo]

Write it. Then don't send it. Re-read it after at least a day has gone past. Edit as you see fit. Sit on it another day. Rinse, repeat.

I think your husband is right to advise you to sit on it. Writing the letter may help you and it is there to send if you decide you really do want to send it.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi Eastern cappy,

I got emails and packages like that as well after going NC.

The letter was all about her. She hasn't changed. Like you said, she won't change.

And even if she does decide to change, it would take years for her to address the damage she's done - with a therapist! She needs professional help. Her capacity to become a safe person, is obviously not there yet. And look at all the years she's had to do right by you. And she didn't. She needs help. She needs professional help.

She's trying to love bomb you into engaging her. She should be using all her energy to get herself right.

She needs professional help at this point. She doesn't understand safety and relationships. She sent toxic texts to you around your birthday, and then a few days later, you get a love bomb letter. 

The love bomb letters are even harder to deal with than the toxic texts because the love bomb letters manipulate our own (valid) need for love and safety. Those needs are being met by your relationship with your husband, and your relationship with your child. Plus as an adult you are now tending to your own needs for safety by taking care of yourself and connecting with us here.

It's not your job to give her what she wants.

All N parents made their young kids feel responsible for them. It started back when you were very young. She made you feel responsible for her. This letter is part of that same dynamic that she foisted on you, without your consent, when you were very small.

Any therapist would be able to look at the trail of poor decisions she's made, and tell her what she needs to do to fix her broken relationships. That certainly isn't your job. You couldn't do it even if you tried. Even if you yourself was a therapist. She has serious mental health issues, that require professional treatment.

I think adult children of narcissists need to be told that, over and over. We can't fix the deeply rooted mental health issues our parents have. Mine were mentally troubled before they even had me. How would I ever fix their serious health conditions? I can't.

If she really could be the mother you needed, she'd stop making it all about her. Even her letter to you was all about what she wants and needs. I would bet money that if you engage her in some back and forth letter writing, the pattern for narcissists is that the love bombing turns into blaming and shaming you, as soon as they have pulled you back in.

Before I went NC, the pattern was always there - They would make it seem like it was finally safe for me to have boundaries. I would then start to assert my needs, and the focus would turn back to how her needs are the only ones that really matter. Narcissist parents will always question their children for having needs.

She would needs years of therapy to address her issues. None of which are your responsibility. The letter exploited your own capacity to understand right and wrong. You know that most people deserve to be told what they did wrong. But she already knows. And if she really really doesn't know why you've gone NC, let her go to a therapist. Let her be fully responsible for her own life.

And when my narc parent said "fine I'll go to therapy if you want me to" I didn't reply. I knew that if she went to therapy, and really some how recovered from NPD, it would be years from then, and I knew that I could go about my life for now.

If an NPD somehow actually agrees to sort out their personality disorder, they have years of work in therapy before any sort of relationship with them is safe for their adult children.

(in my case, that was over 10 years ago, and as I predicted, she still has not sought help for her NPD and other mental health issues. I was right to leave that relationship and live my own life).

It might never be safe to have a relationship with your narcissistic parent. I am sorry. Your letter can't change her. If she wants to get help for her narcissism, she'll do it whether you send a letter or not. Until she gets help for her abusive ways, it isn't safe for you to engage her.

I am sorry. You didn't deserve any of this. If she really was capable of grasping the severity of the damage she's caused you, then she would respect your need for a few years apart from her so you can get your bearings.

A non-narc parent would support their child's work to recover from their abusive childhood.
A narc parent insists that their adult child is never to be given any real space or peace to recover. The narc parent insists in being in that child's life. Even when healing requires space from them, the narc denies their child this space.

Which is she so far?

Trees

[Call Me Cordelia]

 

So very well said, Trees!

I found it really very helpful to make a copy of these letter-bombs and take a savage red pen to them. Once I highlighted the different statements about himself: all self-pity. And then about me: ALL blame and shame. It was quite the education! And so so much validation for why I was now firmly in NC.

And these letters are them trying their very hardest, they think this will work to restore the relationship that works for them. In other words, this is all we can hope for. Your mother is truly off her rocker and needs professional help over many years. Normal people simply do not turn abuse on and off and wonder what on earth could be wrong with YOU that you don't want to be around her! And even if she does get help, she very well might still not be safe enough for you! So yes, you chose NC for very very good reasons. Please keep it.