Is there a polite way to explain why I declined a gift?

[Poison Ivy]

My mom, who is very old (age 94, to be exact), as usual sent a large-dollar-amount check to me for Christmas. I know that my siblings have received or will soon receive checks for the same amount. They will cash theirs; I will not cash mine. I fulfill my obligations to my mom, not because of love (I'm not sure how I feel about her) and not because I'm paid back (or in advance) for doing so. I have no interest in getting into a discussion with my mom about my feelings toward her or the rest of the family or about my reasons for not taking money from her at this stage of her life. I don't mind varnishing the truth. Her memory is declining, so it's possible she won't ask me about the check, but given that she remembered to send one, she'll likely notice that I haven't cashed it.

Any ideas?

Thank you.

[square]

Option 1 - just don't cash it, hope she doesn't notice. She may not, even if she remembered to write it.

Option 2 - if she asks just say "oh, I just haven't gotten around to depositing it, I'll try to do it soon" and hope she drops it.

Option 3 - "Thank you for the gift. I really don't need it, though, don't worry about me."

Option 4 - "Thank you for the gift. I've decided I won't be taking financial gifts from anyone from now on, on general principal."

Option 5 - cash the check but deposit it into a seperate savings account, to give back to her if she needs it later, or to help someone else solve a problem.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Option 6: If she notices, say, "Thank you, but I've decided not to cash it." No further explanation or discussion.

[Poison Ivy]

Thank you, square and Call Me Cordelia. These are good suggestions.

[NarcKiddo]

I think (unless the amount is trivial to the person making the gift) that it is generally bad form to leave a cheque uncashed (or delay cashing it) without telling the drawer that you will be doing so. This may not apply to your mother, but generally speaking people will manage their affairs to ensure that cheques are honoured, but they may not generally like to keep that amount of money swilling around in an everyday account. If you don't cash the cheque in early course and they are not very observant with finances they might think you have, move money away from the account and then (were you to cash it later) there is awkwardness if the cheque is declined. Clearly that won't apply here since you don't plan to cash it at all. But if they wait on your cashing it then the balance sits there awkwardly waiting for something that won't happen. Now, you may want that to be the case, or you may know enough about your mother's arrangements to know that she keeps the bulk of her money in the everyday account and so it won't make any practical difference to her. Square's options 3, 4 & 5 would be possibilities I would consider were I in your position.

[Poison Ivy]

Good points, NarcKiddo. I have disposed of the check; I didn't want to succumb to temptation. (It was for a would-make-a-difference amount.) I won't mention the matter first, but if my mom asks, I'll tell her that I won't be cashing the check and leave it at that.