Crushed

[ambivalent1]

I am suffering brutally right now.  I think it is important for me to say I am not suicidal.  However, I am in my early 50s.  I  had 2 parents nearly destroy me.
After they made my life miserable, each got cance.  Each expected and got full attention from me and my siblings while they died. They never offered any thanks.
All they did was leave me to put my life back back together and not give up.  It is a desperately horrible feeling when I feel like the 2 people who were supposed to love me are still destroying me every day, even after they're gone

[moglow]

Please make yourself a promise to work towards building your family of choice, replace their [parents] voices and treatment with kindness, compassion, peace for yourself and those around you. Whatever our age, I believe we can always build from wherever we are - even better, it's not based on fear obligation or guilt! I'm terminally single myself, have no children, now 60. I choose to be alone at times, and it's honestly much less painful than being on the fringes of someone else's family all the time.

My mother doesn't seem to care about or have any compassion or kindness for anyone, including herself. She's spent her life being angry and spiteful, and now finds herself alone. Am I going to step in and try to fill that void for her? No ma'am! I did my time, now it's for me and those I choose.

One thing that has helped me when I get caught in my dark corners is volunteering, whether at an animal shelter or rescue, through church or community organizations. They always need extra hands, whether it's to help comfort furry ones or children or as basic as helping prepare or deliver meals. It gets me outside myself and looking at what I can DO. Find what you like, what moves and speaks to you, and do more of it. Erase the parents and their ugliness from your life. Find the goodness within - I guarantee it's there.


Holding you close while we get through this Season!

[NarcKiddo]

Hugs. It sounds like you have gone above and beyond any duty you might have had as regards your parents, while they failed miserably in their duty to you. But now you are free to look after you. Wishing you strength and healing.