Life's little pleasures

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

Today, getting ready for work, I am still amazed at how the little things I do for myself now, I stopped doing when I was with my exPD.  For example, earrings.  I just stopped wearing different ones.  I had these fake pearl earrings I would wear.  Okay, so what's the big deal?  Well, this is just one example of many of how I stopped caring for myself.  If I bought new earrings, paid attention to what I was wearing and what earrings I'd like, and enjoyed the process - HE'D NOTICE.  My exPD would have noticed my caring for myself and would have felt threatened.  The comments, jokes, and accusations would start.  Why are you spending so much time picking out earrings?  Who do you want to notice you?  Aren't those too big for you?  Aren't you too old for those?  Why did you buy those?  How much were they?  Why don't you buy me something....   You get it.

So I just stopped.  Stopped buying (even cheap ones) earrings, stopped buying nice shoes, .....   I didn't even bother with much make up.  I'm not really a make up person - but now, I like to spend time in the morning and put some on.  I like trying out different eye shadows.  How awful that I was in a marriage/home/family where I couldn't swap out my earrings? or focus on my make up?  It got to the point, that even his compliments made me shiver, because I knew that they were either forced or he was so hyper focused on me it made me uncomfortable. And that was really it - the hyper focus.  Whether positive or negative was just too much. 

Now, my mornings before work are peaceful.  I have my box of cheap earrings and new make up to play around with.  I even spend a little more time on my hair.  I do this for me - to take care of myself they way I want to.

I received some mail today about my exPD getting half of my retirement when I retire.  A few months ago that would have triggered anger, shame, rage, depression, and all the rest.  I felt the anger, but was able to re-set my self quickly.  It felt amazing to be able to handle this trigger - to feel more in control.  It does suck and it's not fair, but it's not going to kill me or ruin any more of my life.   

I got my cheap earrings!!!!!! In my own place!!!!!!! 

It's been since Feb 2022 that I moved into my own place and Aug 2022 since our divorce.  I am so thankful to be free - I think about this almost night before I go to sleep.   I've written about some of my struggles with my son - and he was his jerky teenage self tonight (the self centered obnoxious teenage crap), but it didn't bother me.  I guess I'm just really in a thankful mood today and am appreciating my freedom.

Okay, I was just about to sign off, and my son and I had one of our typical nice exchanges.  I feel like as my trauma bond issues are lessening I'm becoming a better parent.  He doesn't stay a jerk quite as long - hahahahahahah......Parenting is just a rollercoaster ride anyhow!!!

Happy new year everyone

[moglow]

That having your own space is priceless, isn't it. You can decorate or not. Clean or not. Do what you want in your own time - or sock in on the couch with a cuppa something and just look around.
[Too old/young for you ... as i sit here in very Christmasy leggings I'd have never worn even five years ago. But they're soft and cozy and bright - and they make me smile!]

[Srcyu]

I know what you mean.
For me growing up, keeping clean was frowned upon. Hot water was resented whenever I turned the tap on. I had hardly any clothes never mind fresh ones.

Today and every day, you've guessed it - I am clean with fresh clothes on. Even now I am quietly amazed that I can lay clean clothes down on the bed ready to wear.

The earrings that you like wearing are a strong symbol of being able to have consideration for yourself. Small things to some people. Absolutely massive to us.

[JustKeepTrying]

PFNW - this is so beautiful to read.  Your independence confidence and courage are inspirational!  Keep getting new earrings and keep doing your hair and makeup.  Do what makes you feel good.  This just makes me so happy!  JKT

[SonofThunder]

PFNW - this is so beautiful to read.  Your independence confidence and courage are inspirational!  Keep getting new earrings and keep doing your hair and makeup.  Do what makes you feel good.  This just makes me so happy!  JKT

+1

SoT