Feeling the rejection

[Poppy]

I've been LC with both my parents for a long time. They're divorced and I'm always the one initiating contact. I do so mostly so my kids have at least minimal contact with their grandparents but I limit contact for my and their mental health sakes.

I invited both my uNM and uND (for separate dinners) to come celebrate Christmas with us. Usually we celebrate with my GC sibling's family too but they are spending the holidays elsewhere this year. So it would just be me, DH and the kids. And lo and behold... They both declined because they don't feel like celebrating.
No I'm sorry, let's find another date, no interest in the kids, nothing.

I know they are like this. It's not surprising. Not at all. And yet.... I suddenly feel the sting of rejection so forcefully. I know I wouldn't even truly enjoy dinners with them. But to get reiterated how little they care about me and my family, my beautiful, loving kids who would love to spend Christmas with their grandparents... it hurts man. I thought I was past this level of hurt but the grief over the lack of love and interest in us can apparently still hit me when I least expect it.

Just venting here and looking for some kind words I suppose. How are all your holiday plans going with these families of ours?

[lkdrymom]

I am so sorry you have parents like this.  I was an only child and I still wasn't my father's favorite.  He'd cancel plans with me if one of his brother's kids called him.   Look at this as a fresh start.  Your kids really don't need them as grandparents (do they see your husband's parents?) and they especially don't need to feel the rejection.  Move forward as if they lived on the other side of the country.  Stop initiating get togethers with them.  If you end up seeing them, great.  If not, that is ok too.  Replace them with people who do value you.

[moglow]

Poppy, I'm sorry you're hurting [and maybe a tad relieved underneath at the same time-I get that too]. The complete lack of engagement is hard, I'm sure harder where your children are concerned. But ... can't miss what they never had either. So I guess there's that compensator.

We had similar interaction with mommie dearest earlier this year - youngest brother and his family were visiting our area, hadn't been over this way and she's not seen them in over 12 years. Mother made one excuse after another why they couldn't go to her house and she doesn't go out because she's not getting around well, then after they were gone claimed lack of communication. Um seriously - all those texts and phone calls?? She was VERY clear. He was so hurt - just wanted her to admire his family, take a few pictures with her grandchildren [and great-grand]. He didn't realize before then that that's how she IS, with everyone. She doesn't cull, just ignores and/or demeans everyone unless absolutely necessary for appearances.
None of this makes sense to me.

Warm Christmas wishes to you and your family, Poppy!!

[NarcKiddo]

It sucks. I get it. I find it hard to get past the sting of a rejection even when I am at the same time inwardly rejoicing that I don't have to see the blithering so and sos.

I hope you have a lovely Christmas.

[looloo]

I found it helpful to almost as a ritual, "grant myself permission" to NOT:

Hug my Nmother again, when she pushed me away after I'd initiated a hug.  I only did it in the first place due to a sense of obligation and belief that "normies" did this, so I should.  Lol, now I know our family isn't normal! 😁

Make an effort to give thoughtful gifts, when she demonstrated no appreciation whatsoever.  Now I just do a quick online flower delivery so that I look thoughtful to others (I shouldn't care, but I do).

Communicate directly with her.  It's perfectly clear how she feels, how she behaves, and who she is.

After formally giving myself permission, I feel very relieved and the burden is lifted considerably.

[moglow]

After formally giving myself permission, I feel very relieved and the burden is lifted considerably.

I bet it swipes all that guilt hard right and clean off the table, doesn't it? Even if there's some debris later, it's not as hard to deal with.

[monamurre]

I'm so sorry.

No matter what the situation is with our parents, or our age, I think it always hurts to feel unseen by them.

I'm having a similar-ish situation with a parent and I am alternating between relief that I finally see it for what it is and deep grief that I don't have the mom I wished I did.

I try to give myself space to feel sad about it, to have a slow day, etc. And, when I am really feeling low, I try to think of a special treat to lift my spirits. I imagine what I would do for a friend who felt really bad and then do that for myself

I hope you can enjoy the holidays and find some space for all the feelings.

[Srcyu]

So rude aren't they? They don't deserve any access to you or your family. They were offered a golden opportunity which they were both too stupid to see.

Our first Christmas without the foo left some gaps in our usual celebrations. So I filled them with extra attention to our own children and an evening party just for us. The new tradition has been passed down through my now adult children.

I suggest trying to look at what you do have and leaving go of the rest.

[Call Me Cordelia]

 

I'm so sorry your parents are cold and rejecting you and your FOO. I have been there too. They told me they wouldn't be coming to Christmas because the food I made wasn't good enough. My kids are their only grandchildren. Nice, huh?

Thankfully for us, their loss has only been our gain. With some bumpiness to be sure, but really, they are not missed.

[Poppy]

Thank you all for sharing and your kind words! It really means a lot.

We have some family traditions, just the 4 of us that we started and that I'm very grateful for and looking forward to. We'll also be seeing my inlaws who are very much dedicated to the kids and all around kind people thank god.

I gave myself 2 days to feel all the feelings that came up. Face them, welcome them even and with that, these feelings didnt lead to a full blown set back like they used to.
Posting here helped so much too so thanks again!

I've been shopping for nice food, some last minute gifts for the kids and made plans with friends for a trip out of town with the kids next week.

I'm grateful for what I have. For how far I've come. For being able to feel the sting and the grief and recognizing it for what it is instead of feeling bad about myself. It's their choice, their loss. I'm gonna make this a wonderful holiday.

Wishing you a warm, loving Christmas with no or minimal drama