Only if it was sexual abuse, my mother would've "done something about it."

[Kovera]

Sometimes I look back at some of the things my mother said to me as a child, and realize how truly abnormal she was.

She was the the enabler. The "martyr" mother." The Christian halo wife. The one "trying to keep the peace." 

She was also the one always blaming us kids for our fathers rages, drunken screaming tantrums and berating insults. It was either "you started it" or "it's your fault because you should've known he's in a bad mood." Or her favorite classic enablers' line: "If you wouldn't have done (insert innocent child action here) he wouldn't have yelled/berated/insulted you."

As a kid, I remember once calling her out on her complete cowardice in doing anything to stop one of his bouts of emotional and verbal abuse one evening. Her response? "At least he doesn't sexually abuse you. If it was sexual THEN I might do something."

I. Kid. You. Not.

So by her words, seems like she acknowledged that he was abusing us kids, with her fully allowing it, but for some reason just because it wasn't sexual abuse it's FINE? What in the actual H*LL?!

Don't get me wrong, sexual abuse, just as any form of abuse is dire and truly disgusting behavior for any child to ever have to go through. I just look at how this woman who was fully aware of what she was allowing to happen to us willingly looked the other way continually to all our fathers tirades, with such a ridiculous answer and apathetic attitude whilst saying it to me as if me calling her out made me a petty, angry child. Of course, why should she take any accountability? How DARE I say ANYTHING about the abuse, right? because it's all just in my head.

It just disgusts me that my mother, all these years is still seen as a saint. I can empathize somewhat with parents who are unaware and in their own fog to an extent, but my mother KNEW full well what she was doing, exposing us to this environment, yet for her own comfort and selfish needs, kept allowing it. As you can imagine, my siblings and I ended up with years of damage probably still recovering from as adults.

[easterncappy]

I had a response typed up to you but accidentally refreshed and it disappeared forever. 

My mom was the same. Spoiler alert... if your dad did sexually abuse you, she'd have excused it then too.

There's not supposed to be a threshold of abuse and pain we're willing to see our babies go through before we intervene.

The Big Conversation with my mom included her accepting that my dad sexually abused me, but since it wasn't penetrative, it was fine and she couldn't do anything about it. Besides, what did I do to get myself in that situation? According to her, I had it coming even when I was still in diapers forming my first ever memories. Oh, and because he never hit me, I have no right to be upset and hurt by his regular violent temper tantrums including furniture smashing and intentionally dangerous driving. I'm just being dramatic, gosh, get over it, it's in the past.

That's the day I realized "wow, he could probably kill me and she'd find an excuse for even that". It was the Big Conversation where I realized she was never on my side, always knew about the abuse, and we could never have a healthy relationship. I realized that her narrative that she's a fellow helpless victim of my mean dad was false - she was a co-abuser AKA enabler and clearly got something from the dynamic. Although I still don't know what - my dad is unpleasant in every way and not very rich, but I guess he makes enough that she was willing to trade my dignity, innocence, and safety for it.

Anyone who can sit back and watch their child go through hell is not worth your time. Sometimes I feel like what my mom did was worse. My dad did the physical actions, but my mom betrayed me on an emotional and spiritual level by knowing about it and never putting a stop to it. It hurts more that she knew and didn't act.

[escapingman]

I am going to make this short, as I was the enabler, until I wasn't.

uNPDstbxw was mainly abusing me until the girls reached an age where they started to want to flex their muscles and do things. I was kind of blindfolded up until this time and allowed the odd weird treatment of the girls, not physical abuse but verbal and emotional. As I was so used to this treatment myself I didn't understand. Then a couple of incidents happened, and I had to question myself, and I had a clear choice, I either side with an abuser, or I protect my children. I fortunately decided on the latter and for about 5 years I did my best to protect them from within, until this became impossible too. I remember one specific incident after I stopped enabling her, she was screaming and hitting GC and then screamed at me to be a man and hit GC. I wanted to throw up.

I am sorry your enabling mums didn't make the right choice.

[Kovera]

My mom was the same. Spoiler alert... if your dad did sexually abuse you, she'd have excused it then too.

easterncappy, I believe you are spot on here. I am so sorry for you having to suffer at the hands of your parents, you're mother sounds like she's got some serious things going on in her own psyche and it clearly showed in that she refused to protect you. It is never a child's fault to face abuse of any kind, the adults in our lives are initially supposed to protect us. Unfortunately, many choose to stand by for their own comfort, and in my opinion it has become too normalized in our culture that abuse is accepted as long as it's not visibly "severe" enough. Many would rather look the other way than get involved.

How could any parent just stand and watch by while their own child is getting hurt right in front of them? growing up, even my pet cat could perceive & respond to human emotion far more than my parents. She would see my crying and hiding in my room after being abused, meowing and rubbing against my feet to comfort me until I stopped shedding tears. AN ANIMAL! even an animal had more emotional capacity and empathy than my own narc parents!

There were plenty of times I questioned if my mother would've stepped in even if sexual abuse happened to occur. When I was a teenager, there were many incidents out in public with strangers or boys at school where their behavior was clearly disrespectful and oftentimes sexually harassing. Some people tried to touch me, or get me to go home with them. I was an extremely shy girl who was taught to never say no and berated into submission at home, so this was a recipe for DISASTER. I froze in these instances and feared retaliation from people, never speaking up because I was afraid of getting help. And in the few instances that I did seek help, I was "making it up," "exaggerating," or doing it for attention." Thankfully nothing ever escalated, because I realize as a young girl there were times I could have easily ended up in seriously dangerous situations where I could have been raped or kidnapped.
The few times I did speak up and told my mother about these things, she did one of two things, it was either:
1.) my fault because the way I was dressed, and thus invited such behavior
OR
2.) it was literally a joke to her. She made fun of me being harassed and laughed in my face, as if I was telling her an amusing story, completely invalidating and excusing my experience and making me out to be asking for attention in some way. She never took anything I said seriously. Eventually I gave up and started believing that maybe it was really my fault somehow.

One of the most disturbing things she did in regards to this, I can remember, was she made friends with a local store clerk (a cashier at our local pharmacy) who tried to coerce me into going to his home alone. I was so upset, eventually got so mad I asked why she was so happily acquainting with someone who tried to take advantage of her own daughter and creepily take me to his house ALONE. Her response was: "You never told me he did that." Just like that. Casual and dismissing, ignoring me and not taking any accountability or parental action. Completely void of maternal instinct whatsoever. She dismissed it and kept associating with this man, years after that incident. I wouldn't doubt it if even to this day. I remember prior to confronting her, when I told her this man was calling me on the phone and asking me uncomfortable sexual questions, she practically ignored me in the car. My older brother was with us, and even HE looked at her oddly as she talked over me and changed the subject. He witnessed it and turned to me and said "never speak with anyone who does that to you." That is one of the rare times my sibling actually validated my experience and showed some sort of support. I knew that moment I wasn't the only one noticing our mothers behavior.

My mother had some weird tendencies and issues with sexuality. She told me her step father tried to rape her, which makes me wonder how much this affected her own upbringing as my grandmother ignored the issue from what I was told. I can tell my mother had resentment with her, but because I never knew them I don't really know much about it, I've only heard stories. I was subtly shamed for having a normal, healthy female development growing up. Things that generally a young teen girl should be taught from her mother, she never did for me or my sister. When I got my first period, I didn't know what to do other than use a pad. I didn't know what to expect, how long it would last, nothing. I was afraid to ask for help about using pads or tampons. My mother told me she wasn't supposed to teach me about my period because it was "the schools job to teach me" and I should know already. My mother found a tampon in my room and asked "why are you using these?" with a sense of disgust in her tone. I somehow felt dirty and guilty for using a normal, standard feminine hygiene product. She then told me, "tampons are only for MARRIED women." What she meant by that, I still don't know. I struggled using my first bras because I didn't know how to use them. My mother avoided buying me bras even as I was clearly developing, until my 4th grade teacher stepped in and asked why I wasn't properly wearing undergarments at school. Taking no accountability and playing victim, my mother called my teacher nosy and judgmental, instead of admitting she was neglecting my needs as a child. Looking back at this, my mother had such a weird behavior about us girls growing up and developing, as if it was some kind of mortal sin to be developing in puberty.

[LemonLime]

Kovera,
I can relate to what you say about your mother shaming you about puberty.  I grew up feeling ashamed of puberty, sexuality, and the dating.
I was embarrassed to have normal sexual feelings, to like boys, etc.  I just felt so ashamed all of the time, and couldn't put my finger on why.
Even in my 20's I had literal nightmares about finding myself pregnant without being married.  The shame of that.....oh my gosh.

When I got up the courage to ask mom about normal menstrual-related issues, her tone was one of "I guess this has to be done but ick, let's get this over with as soon as possible".
In fact, it seemed the whole idea of sexuality made her nose crinkle in disgust.  My first bra was a hand-me-down with the straps too long and the style was for old ladies.

She grew up with 2 alcoholic parents and was neglected.  Maybe she was sexually abused, I don't know.  She would never admit if she was.  And she still defends her dead parents to this day, but I know more of the truth because her childhood friend witnessed my mom's parents and how they treated her.   This friend told me my mom used to come home from dates in high school and find her dad drunk in the middle of the street with the cops there.

I forgive her, but it really damaged me to have this attitude passed down to me.   I struggled with dating and couldn't figure out why.   I would push men away, and then chase after them once they lost interest.   Of course this was classic approach-retreat fear of vulnerability, and not surprisingly did not lead to good longterm romantic relationships.   Then of course from mom I got the pressure to find a mate NOW and make her a grandmother NOW.   Yeah right, mom.   Now that I'm 30 you want me to magically have a good self-image and be comfortable with sex and intimacy.  OMG.

I think the reason your mom thinks only married women should use tampons has to do with the virginity issue.  Virgins shouldn't use tampons....didn't you know it takes away their virginity?    Ugh.   It makes me cringe thinking about the crazy things we are taught.

I'm so sorry for what you've been through.  You didn't deserve it.  You are healing and we are here for you, every step of the way.

[easterncappy]

I see some parallels. My mom grew up with an alcoholic dad, and a mom who was just like her - dismissive of all of the abuse. My mom's always had a really pathetic relationship with my grandma that I think she was trying to recreate with me. My mom is in her 50's and is obsessed with my grandma's validation to a truly embarrassing degree. I always wondered if a part of why my mom couldn't admit that my childhood sucked was because she'd have to admit her childhood sucked too, and that the mom she's convinced was so wonderful to her actually wasn't all that great. My grandma is even more vile than my mom is, but my mom will never hear a single criticism of her. Or her dad, who was even worse than my dad. I know my mom experienced everything I did too, and more, which somehow makes it okay and not that bad that I was raised the same way. And I bet a lot of her anger towards me is because I didn't cope the same way she did with my poor upbringing. I was supposed to fall in line, ignore everything bad, and marry another gross loser and repeat the cycle.

I remember once reading on a forum like this one, something like "our parents were marginally better than their own parents - which is why our childhoods were still terrible, but we were able to develop enough self-esteem and awareness of the situation to get out, which they weren't able to". I suppose it's true. I was raised with just enough normalcy to be able to develop emotionally beyond a 5 year old (the more time I spent around my parents the more I realize they are emotionally on the level of toddlers) and view myself as just important enough to eventually put a stop to it. I think my mom resents this, because she'd make fun of it a lot. Any attempt to put a stop to the abuse was called "being unpleasant" or "playing tough guy" or "showing off". No, it was just me eventually realizing that I had worth as a human being - and if you don't treat me like I do, I'm out.

My mom would tell me that men who harassed me were just giving me a compliment, and that I should be happy about it. I know for a fact that my parents had no sex life because both of them erroneously thought I was their personal therapist starting from a young age. Probably a tossup between my mom's upbringing and fear of intimacy, and the fact that it's not exactly a turn on when your husband is every flavor of pervert possible (I could write a book about the horrible things I was exposed to by my dad). My mom loved when I dated gross losers. She hated when I dated boys from healthy families. She had no problem with me getting groomed by pedophiles online, or men much older than me taking interest in me.

She also had this policy of ignoring uncomfortable things and then pretending she didn't know about them. I remember the Big Conversation was about all of that - I told her exactly what happened, when it happened, how it happened. She was good at acting surprised. Years later I realized I'd run to her crying for help, and she did nothing. Or half-assed an attempt at doing something, she'd roll her eyes and tell my dad not to do those things again. "See, I told him not to. He's not going to do it anymore.". I guess I blocked that part out.

I'm not trying to make your thread my thread, so I'm sorry for droning on - I personally enjoy reading other people's stories and seeing that they match up a lot with mine. It makes me feel like I haven't lost my mind after all. I'm not misremembering. And I enjoy knowing that someone else can relate to the bizarre crapshow that was my life until recently. Plus it's just fascinating trying to pick these people's brains apart. I wish I could sit my mom and dad down and ask them questions, like an interviewer, but they wouldn't answer honestly and I can't speak to them for my own safety anymore.

[Preamble]

kovera I hear you and it isn't right but it's a trap to start blaming your less abusive parent.  Eventually I did stand up to the abusive parent, who left and won  custody of all our children, which so far has lasted decades.  It's not in anyone's power to "just make them stop".

Now I'd say, love your best parent while you still can

[donutmoonpanda]

In my experience, enablers will always find an excuse. It doesn't matter the "level" to which the abuse rose.

easterncappy is right. I was sexually abused by my father and my mother did not intervene after I told her about it. She was often just across the room when this occurred and she knew full well he slept in my bed with me at night. She never gave an explanation for why she didn't do anything. She did say something once about how "he probably didn't know that was considered sexual abuse." Please.

My father was also inappropriate with my friends. Mom says she noticed this but she very clearly blamed it on the girls, you know, those tempting 10-year-olds.

I didn't have friends sleep over. After puberty I almost never had friends over to my house. I felt it was MY JOB to protect other people from this pervert. To not let the ugliness in my home leak out, hurt other people, spread to other homes. I was just a child and I took it very seriously. Somehow my mother didn't. He could do whatever he wanted and she would have stood by him. There is no circumstance that changes that. There is no way to frame it that would result in her accepting accountability.

It's nice to write about this on Christmas because this is my first Christmas NC with mommy dearest. I disagree with Preamble. You don't have to cherish a parent just for being the lesser of two evils. Kovera is clearly talking about a different situation anyway. Every parent should stand up for what is right and lawful in order to protect their child. They shouldn't stand by and allow abuse simply because they might lose custody... or because it doesn't reach some imaginary threshold (like sexual abuse).

My mother has never taken responsibility for the physical, sexual, and emotional abuse she cosigned, witnessed, enabled, and sometimes encouraged ("do you know what your daughter did today?"). She scapegoated me throughout my childhood. To this day she will say I was just a difficult child, even though I was being physically, sexually, and emotionally abused every day. She'd say that I caused trouble, although I was a responsible, parentified straight-A student. She's never apologized, she just wants me to act like the abuse never happened. It's incredibly damaging to me and my siblings, and it's taken me so much longer to heal because she presents herself as the "nice, good parent." She's not my co-victim. She's my co-abuser.

[easterncappy]

donutmoonpanda:

This is also my first Christmas NC with my parents. It was quite nice. I didn't have to sit across a table from my abusers playing Happy Family this year. Although we couldn't afford many gifts or decorations, it was much better than the big flashy Christmases with my parents.

I agree that we shouldn't paint the "lesser abuser" as being a better person. In most countries, if you help cover up a serious crime or help the criminal perform their actions, you go to jail too. No idea why child abuse would be any different. The "lesser abuser" usually relies on the cultural narratives we have about people in abusive marriages being trapped and helpless. Now, there are legitimate cases like that. But my parents? Nah. They seem pretty content being terrible together. They have the same core beliefs about how all of this is just fine. Does it even count as abuse if you both enjoy it? Serious question. They seemed to find a bizarre sense of fulfillment even in the dysfunctional parts of their own marriage, as if it was always meant to be like that.

My mom had the audacity to tell me, "well... as long as you and I have a good relationship!", after looking at me like I had five eyes when I told her that I was dead serious about my dad not being allowed near me or my children all of the years that I repeatedly told her those exact words. How could we possibly have a good relationship? She acts like she had no part in any of what happened to me, but she was half of the equation. They worked as a team to hurt me - my mom handed him the tools to abuse me. The "lesser abuser" needs to be held accountable.

She also really liked to rely on the cultural narrative that female abusers aren't as bad as male abusers or that moms can't be abusive or that all women are maternal and protective of their babies. That's a big one. Just because the malice and lack of empathy typically manifests itself differently doesn't make it any less bad. And when I think of my mom's pathetic little relationship with her parents, she'd occasionally at least admit that her dad wronged her (but because he's her dad he's special and should never actually be held accountable), but never ever her mom. Her mom was perfect in every way and just doing what she had to do.