Holiday debrief

[moglow]

As shared in another thread ...

For what it's worth, this year md sent a brief text Christmas eve. No card. I found myself overplaying it in my mind anyway - you can't even send a card anymore?? A text is plenty for you? Even though I responded, she made it clear quite a while back she supposedly doesn't get my texts [might want to unblock me then. No? Gotcha.] So I did what I do - I called her Christmas morning.

She didn't ask what my plans were for the day, or if I'd done anything special Christmas eve, didn't mention my brothers or the rest of the family, as if they don't exist either. I tried to have some sort of actual conversation, open the door a smidge on my life. Nope, she's not interested. I coughed [Why are you COUGHING?!], she mentioned it's colder than they've ever had there, that at least I'm warmer [wtf? no. I'm less than two hours away, maybe 60miles south of her. Still below freezing, look at a map or the weather!]. No comment or question about the gathering I went to last night, nothing about her grandchildren I was spending time with. She had to tell me about the walker she bought, that she's having trouble getting around. And then she had to go "get things going" and she was done in under four minutes.

I may have initiated my last phone call. I'm not sure it ever gets easier.

****
So of course today I'm overthinking everything, mainly my own input. Why'd I call? I didn't like the thought of not making an effort. Her total lack of engagement or interest still astounds me, even after all these years. Obligation. The gift that keeps on giving. I really need to get a grasp on that return policy!

So how are all y'all? Everyone feeling a smidge better and hopefully some holiday pressure/guilt easing off?
   

[Srcyu]

Why do you call? Out of hope and expectation I think. It's Christmas, you've made the effort - surely she'll appreciate it and show some long awaited approval. But, no. She's not capable. Too wrapped up in her own world where there is little or no room for consideration of and interest in others.

They are only receptive to certain types, you know - the golden ones.

I read once that we are like mirrors to them, blank mirrors. We reflect nothing back to them that they want to see.
I'm sorry that the phone call was such a disappointment. You asked if it ever gets better. Yes it does. But it takes awhile.

[NarcKiddo]

Meh. It's done. I am LC so have to see family at Xmas. If it's grim I complain. If it's less grim I wonder why. By and large I'd rather she not take any interest in my life. Best wishes of the season to you. Soon it will be over!

[notrightinthehead]

I am so sorry Moglow. We have to go back so many times just to be able to believe the unbelievable. I hope you had a good time otherwise and made some memories with people who appreciate and love you.

[moglow]

Odd : my brother tells me she was excited about the call, gave him a recap of the conversation. Presumably because someone called at all?

[Srcyu]

I think ...... she may have been proud that you apparently thought she was important enough to ring on Christmas Day. Something for her to show off about? She could be pleased that you are still willing to make the effort for her while she gives practically nothing back.
I suspect there was nothing particularly good about her reaction.
I base that on my own experience.

[moglow]

I believe you're right. For someone so "excited" about the call, she offered little, seemingly heard less. Her supposed recap probably bore little resemblance to the actual conversation, if not entirely invented to suit appearances. Everyone around us gathering for the day (if not more) and she got excited over a four minute phone call? Doesn't seem likely.

[NarcKiddo]

Odd : my brother tells me she was excited about the call, gave him a recap of the conversation. Presumably because someone called at all?

My mother trots us out whenever possible. Either in actuality or in reports to her friends of how wonderful we are. Reflected glory, you see. Clearly she must be a super mother to have produced such marvellous, perfect and doting offspring. *vomit*. She also likes reporting "loving" actions to the other sibling. I always remember to send a Mother's Day gift. Sister never does. Mother adores telling sister what she has got from me each year. On the other hand she likes reporting to me what fun she and sister have during her visits to sister. I won't have her overnight in my house and avoid staying in hers as much as is humanly possible. Fortunately I live quite close by so protracted visits are easy to avoid for me. Not so much for sister who lives further, but who is also fully in the FOG as far as I can tell.

[Cat of the Canals]

Ditto to what NarcKiddo and Windmill said. Excited for a PD is not the same as excited for a non. My MIL can seem excited to see us, but it's never about us at all. What she really wants is pictures and a story to tell people to make her sound important/make it seem like she has a Happy Family™. She'd be just as happy with cardboard cutouts. Actually, she'd probably be happier, because cardboard cutouts don't have their own opinions/wants/etc.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

So, wondering why you called? I have asked myself the same thing. I sort of think maybe we call because it seems like it is the right thing for us regardless of how we think it might be received and maybe we feel unattached to however we think they may respond. In the moment, making the effort felt right for us. Maybe we just do it for us.
   
After the call however when reality is clear that it indeed did not change one darn thing, I can start mulling it over and over. How our parent reacts however is on them, not us. I do not think I will ever understand how a parent can disregard a child especially during the holidays. 

As to your last question about feeling the pressure ease off, yes thank you, I certainly am. I am glad the holidays are done actually. My parents used to call on new year's eve, but if they do this year, I am not answering nor am I calling back.

[moglow]

Blueberry, pretty sure I could write/have written same as your response above. Mother used to be adamant about calls/contact on holidays and birthdays, openly insulted when she felt I didn't respond "appropriately." I suspect you know how that works - No matter what I chose it was the wrong one. Call, I should have sent a card. Send a card, why didn't I call. Text greetings are just unfeeling and rude. Yet here we are - she text me Christmas eve, not one word new years and I didn't bother myself about it either.

It did feel right for me to call Christmas morning, but that's as far as that compulsion gets me. What she does with it is not mine to decide. Her insistence that she be able to text me even though she [claims] doesn't get my responses has finally soured in my craw. No telling how many "but I DID respond, mother, right after I saw your text!!" conversations we had over the past few years, nothing changed. She has used it as a point of contention and clung to it come what may, never bothering to change anything on her end or have her damned phone checked for problems. It's the way she wants it and she liked having that ready made fight, is my takeaway from that.

[Sneezy]

My mother trots us out whenever possible. Either in actuality or in reports to her friends of how wonderful we are.

My mom does the same thing.  She trots us out, sometimes for good, but also for bad.  People with PDs are often writing and re-writing their narratives as they go along.  The story can change depending on the audience.  And so Moglow's four-minute phone call is a useful prop.  It can be used to further the narrative of what a wonderful mother she is and how her daughter made such a loving Christmas call.  Given another audience and another narrative, it can be used to illustrate what an awful daughter she has because the call only lasted for four minutes. 

We are supporting actors in the grand narratives of their lives.  And the things we do and say are useful props that they massage and weave into their story as needed.  It's always about them and the story they are telling at the moment.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Oh my goodness yes this is so true. I've witnessed the narrative turn on a dime. I've seen my father complain to my mother about how so-and-so barely gave him the time of day and then MOMENTS LATER name-drop that same so-and-so in order to impress someone else. Reality is completely malleable. Feelings are facts. If you can make someone else feel something then you've achieved it. If you can get someone to envy you, you are enviable and therefore worthy. Until the next person comes along. It's such a sad, unstable existence to be forever chasing that fake image, in people that can only be potential mirrors.

[moglow]

Y'all make good points - every previous holiday call, mother had also trotted out who had called and some of their conversations. In talking with my brothers later, I remember more than once "that's not what i/we said at all! That's what she heard??" She's just ticking a box and making it pretty on the surface. And i guess in some way, so was I.

I've reached a point where I'm bone-deep tired of it all, mainly of her and anything to do with her. The holiday season and presumed family joys couldn't pass soon enough for me this year, and I just wanted to be left alone. So I'm  starting anew, trying to clear my mind and find my happy place.

[Sneezy]

I've reached a point where I'm bone-deep tired of it all, mainly of her and anything to do with her.

Oh, I feel you, Mo!  It's exhausting.  Sending hugs, hugs, and more hugs,  Now go and find your happy place - lord knows, you deserve it