Subject of his problems came up again!

[Juju]

Talking to my possible udpd partner last night and he is upset his brother is going on holidays again. He then said that he has never had a holiday and he felt that everyone should understand that being like himself  (anxiety disorder or whatever is wrong with him) is hard and he doesn't choose to be that way.  I told him he did and that he has never sought help to deal with it or has never taken a chance and tried to do anything different other that his regular bubble existence.  We snipped back and forth on the phone for awhile but agreed to disagree, he always starts up with my faults whenever his issues are brought into the conversation. I have learned to ignore a lot of the comments but still get discouraged about him.  So hard to totally understand his problem when he has never even tried to do anything different.  Any suggestions as to help me cope with these discussions!!

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Juju, Welcome to Out of the FOG!  There is a wealth of information here in the toolbox, resources and just reading past posts.

I'm curious what all goes into your desire for him to get help.  Is it mostly just wanting to see him do what seems like the right thing?  Or have him stop complaining to you?  Or having a different life with him if he's able to do things he won't now?  It would help me understand more if you shared what is your stake in having him get help.

[Juju]

I guess I just want him to do a few things with me, I've totally accepted that he won't fly, I can go on my own or with friends, I also feel that just about everything that is out of his comfort zone is a hugh deal!!!! Even this I've come to accept the thing that bothers me is he wants to go to Hawaii and on a train or a ferry but has just come to the conclusion that he never will because of his anxiety and phobias.  He truly believes that no one can help him. I also believe he has some sort of personality disorder as he just has some different behaviours and beliefs, very black and white.  He kind and loving to me and supports whatever I want but it has taken us a long time to get where we are. 

[notrightinthehead]

I am so glad you didn't move back in with him.
It's heartbreaking to observe how a dear person behaves in a way that deprives them of new experiences, improvement, healing.  Like if your loved one was an alcoholic and you know that all they needed to do was to stop drinking and everything else would fall into place. But they stubbornly just won't do that little thing. It's frustrating and it shows us the limits of our influence. A humbling experience.
With your partner this topic comes up again and again. And I totally agree with your opinion that he is the cause of his own misery. He does not want to change. He does not look for help. He chooses to remain exactly as he is. And you are kind to stick by him and listen to his moaning when all he needed to do is to be open and take his first step. But he won't.  At least you didn't move back into his trap.

[Srcyu]

His lack of being able to do any different is part of who he is. He is frozen in his fear and anxiety. His brain won't let him think that someone else can help. In other words - he can't help it.
I would try agreeing with him when he laments about never being able to go on holiday  and sympathising with him for the possible cause of it.  He might retreat and think quietly about it, you never know.

[moglow]

I'd probably choose to not have those discussions with him - empathize that he feels how he feels and move on to something else. I don't mean to sound heartless but it's not like you can fix the issues for him or make him feel all better about others choosing to go on holiday. Him being upset about other's choices? That's all on him. He may not be able to help it in the big picture, but it's not yours either. You know he can't/won't and going over and over it changes nothing. Endless whinging about all the things he can't do and no apparent effort to change any of it would put me off.

[Juju]

thank you ... I know all of these things and it is hard, I'm trying not to make any excuses for him and knowing and understanding that he is not willing to do anything about his issues is a hard pill to swallow, I'm glad I didn't move back in with him and I still have my own space is good, so he doesn't make me too  crazy about everything again.
I think cognitive behavioural therapy would maybe help him but with his possible PD who the hell knows plus his not willing is the biggest hurdle.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Juju,  It can be very frustrating to watch someone you love suffer because they won't take the needed and available action to remedy things.  Come to think of it,  I guess that's how some people felt about me during the years I chose not to leave my PDex.  They'd express concern and try to nudge me.  But I wasn't ready, until I was.  I've heard it said that people don't change until the pain of staying starts exceeding the pain of changing, which may or may not ever happen.

I guess the PD version of "I can't help that I'm this way, in this painful position" is "It's all your fault I'm in this painful position, so I have no responsibility here and why aren't you fixing me?"   At least it doesn't sound like he's gone there.

With a non PD I might see if they'd be willing to go to couple's counseling so we could better hear and understand each other (minus any agenda that the counselor would talk him into getting help).   For me it also seems almost necessary to see the problem I'm having with another's choices about how they're living their life as *my* problem.  Then focus on myself and what i can do as far as my own choices.   It sounds like you've done a good bit of that.  And I agree with you.  This stuff is hard.   I hope you keep sharing with us.

[Juju]

thank you for all of your amazing and sensible insights, ..... my partner does not blame anyone but himself for his issues but to me that is still frustrating, not only for me but mainly him and if he could just be open and mainly honest about his problems I think he could be helped but that has to be his decision.......and this is what is crazy and frustrating for me !