Laundry triggers

[Call Me Cordelia]

Growing up in an OCPD household. Both parents. Laundry was prime drama fodder. Each stain was analyzed and blamed and wept over. We had a specially built laundry sorter with eight compartments. There were three different detergents and a whole arsenal of stain products. My dad’s work clothes were sent out for dry cleaning and they switched cleaners every few months because of something dreadful they did.

As an adult my parents felt entitled/obligated to go through our dressers and refold things. My husband got read the riot act for not resnapping the snaps on our first baby’s onesies before folding them and putting them away. I was barely a week postpartum. But that’s what was important.

I don’t know exactly why all of this is flooding back to me now, when obviously laundry is a constant thing, but I’m sure it has something to do with the ongoing struggle of trying to teach my kids to do their laundry. It’s the intersection of ADHD and selective competence and the intersection of childishness from actual children and PD childishness. It all feels the same to me sometimes.

I’m really just trying to be normal here, have reasonable expectations and some basic life skills. And not do all the laundry for eight people by myself, thank you. And yes, still high standards compared to some. We have 3-4 sorting categories instead of 10, and I don’t hand wash, nor do I snap the f-ing onesies, so hey that’s progress. But damn it’s such a pain in the ass.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi CMC,

You hit the nail on the head - when we try to teach our own kids something, the memories of our own experiences can come flooding back.

For me, the triggers were so hard to manage at times, because of what you describe. First, you've got actual children, who are not going to care about laundry care the way you (the adult) will. It's just a fact I suspect all of us parents deal with (I certainly do!).

Second, you've got no lived experience with being a child in a household that manages laundry in a healthy / normal way. Instead, you have memories of how controlling your parents were about laundry. Sometimes I ask myself, what do "normal" parents do with this part of parenting? And I legitimately don't know, because I can't use my own childhood experiences as anything other than "what not to do". Just as you describe, there's no need for 10 different sorting categories!

CMC, I cannot TELL you how many times I have yearned for the Rosie robot from the Jetson's cartoon to be invented to come and do the family laundry for me. I mean, really. It's 2022 and they can't figure out a roomba for laundry lol?

Children and teen resistance to doing laundry seems to be a cultural touchstone from what I can tell. And as a parent of course it can infuriate me to see people act as if it is a laundry fairy is who delivers clean socks and undies to everyone's drawers each week. Talk about feeling unappreciated!

I've thought a lot (read: too much) about this. In terms of chores we want our kids to do, laundry was a sticking point for me as well. I didn't grow up with parents doing the OCD things you describe (which sounds awful) but I share in your desire not to be the family laundress when really, people can or should take care of their own laundry after a certain age....

One theory I'll throw out there: I do wonder if kids resist doing their own laundry because it is a creature comfort to have mom do it. Maybe for them, it feels good to have mom provide nice clean, soft clothing and bedding and towels, and that if things change, and they are now cleaning the dirty laundry themselves, they lose some of that feeling of being taken care of by their parent. That said, kids should grow, and grow up, and they should enjoy individuating. And doing your own laundry is part of becoming independent.

Can you imagine women from 1850 seeing this conversation we're having. We're talking about bringing items to a machine, putting them in the machine, putting in a pod of soap and hitting 2 buttons, and then an hour later, putting it into a 2nd machine, pushing 2 buttons and voila, clean laundry. Those women would be aghast at how easy laundry has become for us - for them it was a day of intense physical labour with manual steps and no machines! Seems like an easy chore for kids to do on their own. It is not as if they have to measure out lye and heat the water in a cauldron over a fire anymore lol!

Maybe we are aghast at how resistant our family members are to performing a chore that is truly, one of the least labour intensive (keeping a kitchen clean has a lot more manual steps than putting clothing into a machine).

It feels like an uphill battle to get teens to do their own laundry. Even though their clothing is mostly hardy, and the 50th time you wash a cotton hoodie, it is not as if you need to worry it will shrink or dye will run. It's pretty straightforward to get cotton socks, sweats and hoodies clean (i.e. most kids clothes). So yes, I am on your side - it would be great to have your kids take this task on for themselves!

What I learned about my C PTSD is that when a trigger like this exists (and from what your parents did, that was some really controlling and emotionally damaging behaviours you observed in them regarding laundry), we have to take some time so that we know how to see the present struggle apart from how this connects to some of our own past trauma. I can see you doing that here. It is a process.

A lot of moving parts in working with the chores that connect to some of our traumas. Because chores are daily or weekly, we can't avoid the trigger so we're stuck managing it. Every time I addressed a specific task that is a trigger for me, I learn more about myself and what I'm healing from. i.e. 'how messed up my parents truly were'.

Trees

[xredshoesx]

sending gentle hugs cordelia

[Associate of Daniel]

CMC, 3 things come to mind.

First - what the actual...?  I've heard about a lot of areas that pds get hung up on, but your childhood and early parenthood experiences regarding laundry stopped me in my tracks.

2ndly, when you mention 8 people, am I right in thinking you have 6 children?  If so, congratulations!  That is wonderful and I take my hat off to you. (Not that I think having less or no children is an inferior situation.)

3rdly... is there any way you can decrease the inventory so that there is less washing to do?  Perhaps it could be decreased to a one load per day situation.

Then what Trees said.

When I was a child (there were 5 in our family) my mum used an old twin tub Hoover washing machine. Our dryer was the sun, or in winter, the pot belly stove. And all of the water from the washing machine was saved and lugged by hand down to water our large veggie garden.  We were on tank water for everything so water was carefully managed.

That's how I started out when I moved out of home, with mum's (actually Grandmother's) old twin tub Hoover washing machine.  It was idyllic, but hard work.  And the sun and heater are still the dryers.

Anyway, I digress.

AOD

[Jolie40]

Hi Cordelia,
I've been out of my stain stick for a while, unable to find.
Husband found some & I got 3 wrapped up under Christmas tree, lol.
So, haven't been stain sticking & stains seem to come out with just laundry detergent, even mustard!

Husband does his laundry & he taught our child to do hers starting around 10 or eleven!
So fortunately we all do our own.

We don't have dressers so we mostly hang our clothes up on hangers to dry.
I never fold! I have a dirty clothes basket & a clean clothes basket.
All my towels, undies, & socks go in clean basket.....no need to fold.

All of us usually wear many of our clothes more than once.
This is handy as our washer is broke couple days ago & new one isn't coming for 9 days!

[Zebrastriped]

Call me Cordelia, what a detailed description of a PD parent set creating drama. I totally understand why laundry is triggering for you and why teaching your children is a challenge for you.  My parents used to chase themselves around about what to eat for dinner.  I learned to depart the house (when I didn't live there) before 3pm so as to avoid the drama.  My DH has started to use the trigger phrase about dinner because he finds my reaction amusing.  I have to leave our kitchen.  I'm a freaking almost more than middle aged adult, haven't been subjected to that particular convo for 3 years (mom died) and still I flee when that phrase is used.

Good on you for trying to teach your children a valuable life skill.  Can you break it into smaller chunks or tasks?  If that makes it easier for you or for them?  One of my kids had ADD and I wound up writing out specific directions - ie 8 pairs of jeans in the washer, check all the pockets, measuring spoon for the detergent, specific settings on the washer carefully detailed.  It sounds absurd, but child could do his own laundry at college, so I'm counting it as a success.

Laundry is always a pain in the ass, normal, PD, Martian, on a rock in a stream, front loader doesn't matter.

[Leonor]

Hi Cordelia,

Oh I'm so sorry that this daily chore is so fraught with trauma for you.

Of course it was not about the laundry. It was about control. Which generates so much anxiety.

Laundry for 8! I feel for you. I have laundry for 5, and I always mutter to myself "Man works from sun to sun, but women's work is never done" as I fold and fold ...

But If it's about anxiety and control, that's worth sitting with and embracing and comforting.

And as you are sitting with and embracing and comforting that small, frightened part of you, ask what are you willing to do in terms of your family's laundry? What do you want to "outsource" to other family members? What happens when you consider other family members doing their share?

I bet that this is when the anxiety comes up for you. Because you want - you need - your family's help. But you want them to help you the way you want them to do it. If they do it the way you want, you won't feel so much anxiety. That's the legacy of control.

You come by it honestly, as they say. That explains all these crazy compartments and products and laundromats you had to navigate growing up. It generated so much anxiety in you, how could it not? And then when you do laundry now, the memory of the anxiety comes up, and little Cordelia tries to help by coming up with ways to control the laundry. She's trying to help you feel better.

It didn't work back then, and it won't work now. If it worked, you wouldn't be triggered by your past and anxious in your present.

I had a "wire hangers" mom moment in my teen years, and I can get triggered too. I've had to make my peace with laundry because there is so dang much of it. I've found that folding actually brings me peace. I put on my headphones and listen to Eckhart Tolle or someone and it's very calming to sit and fold and smooth.

But after folding, I have to let go. I have teen boys. Their idea of laundry is roll into stinky ball and stick somewhere. They will sleep like rolly polly bugs to avoid my neat stacks of shirts and pants on their beds. Rolled up socks are toys or weapons. And their tolerance of body odor is beyond vats of Febreeze.

I've made compromises through the years. Onesies, undies, and pj's do not need to be folded. If you buy socks in a pack, they don't need to be paired. Sports clothes, that resist stains, dry quick, don't wrinkle, and are preferred teen fits, are a wonderful thing. Towels can go from dryer to rack. Button shirts do not need to be buttoned up to be hung in a closet and jackets don't need to be zipped to be hung on a hook. Mittens can be stuffed into hats and sheet sets can be stuffed into pillow cases. Pants can be held from the hem and slung over hangers.

It's not complicated, but it's hard. Draw your laundry boundaries and embrace the tasks you've kept just for you. Create laundry luxuries, like lavender water or cedar satchels or a steamer or clean, bright folding area. Fold your baby's onesies with love!

And then breathe through the rest. Once that laundry leaves your space, let it go. Set expectations ("I do not want to see clean clothes on the floor") and forecast consequences ("If you don't put your kit in the hamper, it won't be ready for you to wear to practice.") But meditate, breathe, and heal through the rest.

[nanotech]

I can't believe it about the resnapping of baby onesies!
Surely that gives you an extra job when dressing them?   
Makes no logical sense.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Thank you for the support, everybody.

It's a lot of steps and a lot of stuff and a lot of people to organize. How to do that in a reasonable way without crossing over into being unduly controlling is a minefield for me sometimes. I'm like, "This is really hard." And then I think, "Well, I could be hauling it all down to the river to beat it on rocks!"  Classic all-or-nothing. The target between my parents' obsessive standards where the clothing needed to be folded like a department store display and utter chaos appears is in fact wider than I am accustomed to think it is. Basically my Inner and Outer Critics just flare up like nobody's business sometimes. Thank you for the validation, it helps so so much.

[Andeza]

Ugh, uBPDm had a way she wanted every little thing done. Laundry separated, each thing folded a certain way, etc.

Here's how I do it. My laundry hamper is exactly the size of one load. When it's full, everything goes in the wash. I don't separate and I wash everything on cold. I'll throw two laundry pods in if the clothes are extra dirty and set an extra rinse at the end to clean the machine and clothes a bit more. Everything gets the low heat setting in the dryer. No exceptions. Anything that falls apart wasn't destined to live in the wardrobe long anyway. Shirts and pants get roughly folded, underclothes don't. Nobody cares if the underwear are a tiny bit wrinkly and it helps maintain my sanity.

As soon as my oldest child is old enough, they'll get their own intentionally sized hamper and learn how to wash, dry, and put them away when the hamper is full. I hope that will be around 6-9 depending on the kid. I do not intend to make them responsible for their siblings' clothes though. I'll keep doing that until the younger ones are mature enough to take on their own.

[escapingman]

My STBX who has a lot of OCPD mixed in with her NPD used to hoover constantly and any stain on the carpets was analysed and blame was put on whoever she suspected to have stained it. I am struggling to use the hoover now as the noise take me back to her constant hoovering.

Cordelia, teaching kids to do chores is a task in itself. I am trying to get one daughter to clear up by herself, and for her to just leave her dirty clothes on the landing is a massive win for me. I have stopped searching for dirty clothes in her room and I have stopped hanging them up in her wardrobe. If she wants them in piles on her bed that her choice.

[FlowerPot]

Oh Cordelia this is tough and bound to trigger - big hugs for the next washing session 

I'm only just realising why I freak when DH starts to do the vacuuming - mother used to get pretty wound up over it and the usually shrieking that "no-one does anything to help me"