In desperate need of wordsmithing help/advice with addict ex

[Bunnyme1]

It has been a very long time since I've posted.  Long story short, my ex has been in and out of rehab more than a dozen times since I left 3 years ago (the final straw was finding out about his addiction and endangerment of the children).  He has been a typical narc, blowing off visitations with the kids, lying, excuses, etc.  After yet another relapse, he went to a year-long program out of state.  However, after 6 months, he announced he was moving back locally.  He claims it was because he was ready to stand on his own two feet, but I found out through mutual contacts that he actually failed a drug test. 
He saw the children on christmas day for a few hours (supervised by his family), and it was obvious from looking at him that he has been using recently, though I couldn't withhold the kids because he didn't appear high at the moment.  He got them all excited about how he was back and would be able to hang out with them again, etc.  He reached out to me the next day about making more plans to see them and setting up calls.  However, he never responded to my answer and didn't answer the kids' call.  Found out he stole some $ from where he was staying and took off.  I had no clue what happened to him until I heard from him New Year's Day, when he called to say he had just finished a 72 hour suicide hold (apparently talked about doing it, but didn't make an attempt...I believe this is the 4th such incident in the past 3 years as well).  Now I get a casual message asking when he can see/talk to the kids again, as if nothing has happened. 
So my question is, how do I respond?  I have drafted it a million times, from detailed lists of all of the lies he has told recently (which I know better than to send), to simply "I don't have a clear picture of what is happening."  I got advice to respond super nice, eg "I know you are going through a hard time and want what is best for the kids..." but I just can't say that stuff anymore because I know that it isn't true.  I take the high road and mentally keep in mind that a judge may someday read each communication, but I just can't be so nice anymore. 
Is "I don't feel as though I've been given a clear and accurate picture of the situation" too confrontational?  Basically because he has outright lied, but I know he won't receive it well and won't admit it.  He hasn't even admitted that he has used again.  I'm open to all wordsmithing suggestions.
For those in a similar situation, what are some reasonable boundaries to put in place?  The kids suffer from the constant promises and then disappearing acts. 

[NarcKiddo]

I'm sorry you and the kids are going through this.

I expect the age of the kids and any legal visitation rights he may/may not have would have to influence what you say to some degree.

My initial thought was something along the lines of:

It seems to me that you are not currently in a stable position such that you can reliably follow through with arrangements to see the children. While I am sorry about this, the interests of the children have to be my paramount concern and they have found the instability upsetting. Until such time as you can reassure me that your position is stable and you can definitely follow through with any arrangements to see the children, I think it best not to make any plans.

[Penny Lane]

What are you trying to say? Is there information you want from him, or do you just not think it's appropriate for him to see them right now?

[Call Me Cordelia]

The kids suffer from the constant promises and then disappearing acts.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Good for you on becoming the mom your children need. What you said above says it all. The kids are suffering, and you aren't having it. End of story. NK's response is good. But generally, short and to the point is best. The kids are what's important in these exchanges. You are participating as their advocate only. I had a friend who did not have a GAD appointment, but she would pretend to be one when writing to her ex. (And sign her real name, it was just to help her maintain distance.) It's so hard to maintain that clarity in the midst of your ex's chaos and keep out of old enabling patterns. But the less mental energy you can expend spinning over him, the more you have available to be a mother. It's so so hard. I'm glad you are posting here.

[Bunnyme1]

I wrote simply asking for clarification on the situation is, what has transpired, and what his plan is now.  The response I got back is a bunch of word salad.  Then, separately, he responded again stating that if I don't ant him to see the kids or have contact with them to let him know. 
So manipulative!  I've been down this road enough times to know that what he will do is act like he never sent the first response, and will show the second response to his family, once again claiming that I am trying to keep the kids from him.
For the record, up until this point, I have NEVER suggested he not see/talk to the kids.  I have lots of messages from me to him asking when he was planning to see them, when would he like to reschedule since he had to cancel, inviting him to school events that he didn't attend...

Previously, he was either proclaiming to be clean (I had doubts, but couldn't really do anything without proof), or in treatment.  Prior to the year-long program he started in May, he showed up high as a kite at the very end of our child's event after it was already over.  His family intervened and that's why he went.  This time, he is proclaiming to me that he is clean.  Secretly, family members have told me otherwise, and he is denying/talking around it.  Coming off yet another suicide attempt to more or less "hey, let me have a casual chat with the kids after I promised I was back and then disappeared with no explanation for a week, stole from my family, went on a meth bender and tried to kill myself, but I don't see why you'd see any problem with that..."

The theft from his family and then meth bender he is characterizing as having a disagreement with them and needing some space and time to make himself feel better. (Word salad)  but, you know, if I still don't want him around the kids, then that is up to me...

I would not wish to cut off phone communication, except because he will lie to them and make promises, and the kids are hurt/confused.  I can't really control that, though, and don't know that I even could if I wanted to without going back for a court order.  My reasons for inquiring are, first, to protect the kids.  Second, because our visitation agreement does depend on his treatment. 

[Associate of Daniel]

Bunnyme1, is there a parenting plan or court order in place for when he can see the children?  (Sorry if this has already been mentioned.)

I think the "best" arrangement re visitation is one that is an official, documented plan that is signed by both parties.

That way the children have consistency and the need for the adult parties to communicate is lessened. It also means the adult parties can arrange a more structured routine for themselves.

Of course, with a pd/addict in the midst  it will still be a circus but a plan/order is a foundation upon which to base arrangements and to try to settle arguments.

Can you place a condition upon him seeing the children?

Eg:  negative drug test each time, copy of certificate of attendance at rehab, supervised visitation etc.

Also, have you thought about a shared calendar or parenting app where you can enter info re the children's activities without you having to communicate directly with your ex?

I'm sorry if you've already mentioned all of this.

AOD

[Bunnyme1]

Thank you all for the responses.  I know my last vent reads very harsh.  I first want to clarify that I don't minimize suicide in any way, nor mental health struggles...even addiction.  Each time, I'm glad he gets treatment.   My frustration comes from these repeated cycles over and over, yet each time I am supposed to pretend like nothing is wrong and even though I know about all of these issues, he denies them. 
All of that said, yes, there is a parenting plan in place, yet he doesn't follow it.  He has made less than 20% of his visits.   I would love to go back and modify it, but he has access to a lot more money than I do.  There are stipulations around him being unsupervised with testing.  The issue now is the constant disappearing, rejecting the kids over and over, and their safety since the people supervising buy his BS. 

[SonofThunder]

....yes, there is a parenting plan in place, yet he doesn't follow it.  He has made less than 20% of his visits. I would love to go back and modify it.....There are stipulations around him being unsupervised with testing.  The issue now is the constant disappearing, rejecting the kids over and over, and their safety since the people supervising buy his BS.

Hi Bunnyme1,

Im so sorry you and the children are dealing with this repetitive issue with your children's  father. Child custody experiences and conversations are not typically in my wheelhouse, but your quoted response to AoD raises a question in my mind.  From that response, I understood;

A: there is a legal parenting visitation plan in place and the children live with you.
B: you are the manager of the children's visitation, which utilizes the framework of the current legal visitation plan.
C: you are the overseer of the children's emotional and physical safety regarding the current visitation plan.
D: you desire to modify visitation to better protect the children.
E: there are current stipulations in the plan.
F: the current supervisors are not safe supervisors for the children.

In my life, when certain aspects get very complicated and decisions need to be made, I like to take a detailed inventory of only the facts and the knowns of the matter, and set aside all unknowns, opinions, frustrations, anger and so forth, that have a tendency to cloud my decision-making. That practice typically reduces the complicated to a more manageable situation, as i get down to business in making proper and wise decisions. 

If you were to do this, you may come up with a list of facts and knowns, similar to my A-F above.  Taking only the facts and knowns, and remaining within the legal framework of, and responsibility of, the current legal plan (since you indicated that legal modification was currently difficult), do you, as the responsible overseer, have rightful 'boundary' decisions you can make that will help you reach your goals, but also create a greater responsibility on the children's father?  Imo, this type of decision-making is a proactive, protective and well documented design on your part, which will still comply with current legal requirements. 

*Also, if future legal modification of the plan becomes available to you, the documentation and the facts gathered by a more-structured/strict procedure are possibly more easily available, visible and understandable for the court in making future decisions. 

For example:

-Starting in 2023, Bunnyme1 conveys her new requirement all visitation communication be conducted using the 'TalkingParents' app.  Emails, texts and phone calls on the matter will not receive a response. 

-Proof of treatment (a treatment document)  is required to be provided to Bunnyme1 before a supervised visitation will be arranged. 

-Supervision will not be performed by family members of either party, but only by a responsible third party.

-Supervised visitation must take place at ____________ (place), so that the supervisor may well-oversee the visitation. 

-Others? 

Again, I'm sorry you and the children are experiencing this, and hopefully, you may be able to find some areas of your responsibility, where visitation could become more firmly structured, therefore more responsible actions/steps necessary for the father to perform before the children may be visited.  That may prove complicated for him, yet fully within the framework of the law and protective for the children.

SoT

[Rose1]

Firstly sorry you are going through this.

I will share what someone told me (my kids were early teens so that may impact). If they have to deal with ex's erratic behaviour and see it like it is, they will be far less likely in the future to buy into the "you wouldn't let me see my dad" because they know different. This proved to be the case as sure enough that's what he told them.

I also let them make some if the arrangements and deal with the disappointment of cancelled visits and excuses that often began "your mother ..."
This was difficult as it's natural to want to protect but in the long run the kids will be dealing with this for a long time as adults and it's good for them to learn coping strategies.

My ex told everyone he's an alcoholic. He certainly has the capacity to be one but I'm not sure if it wasn't just attention seeking as he seems to have moderated his drinking depending on circumstances and if he wanted something. In any case I said no driving if he had been drinking and on medication. He tried it once to prove a point. I made a big deal of it to his mother and since she was ubpd and very conscious of "what will people think" she most likely got tough with him. They were very enmeshed so it did give me peace but of course made him angry. This wasn't something I used often, maybe twice.

As far as not seeing the kids, my ex was also more interested in other things and eventually only saw them a couple of times a year, with phone calls in between. He eventually used the phone calls to be abusive. Originally I also had emails asking him to spend time with his kids because I bought into the "kids need both parents" idea. Actually they don't if one is a bad influence.

Eventually I got to appreciate that the less time spent in his presence, the better. Realistically, if he hadn't been their father I would have kept them away from associating with him as a very poor role model and the risk of alcohol related issues etc. So just because he was their father, didn't suddenly improve him.

I would suggest arrange your life in such a way that his not taking the kids is a bonus and you have a work around if necessary. It takes the stress out. And be grateful he doesn't want to see them (seems to me he doesn't care but he's being pushed by family - sounds familiar).

Long term my kids are grown and nc. There are still issues to do with abandonment they had to work through but as my oldest has told me, she is grateful she didn't have to spend much time with him. She was never comfortable with his friends and he also did not provide much basic care, but most of all his behaviour was not normalised. They know it's not acceptable to get drunk and not take any responsibility for anything and have grown up well adjusted young ladies. That's a win as far as I'm concerned.

His ongoing complaints about not having a relationship with his kids is not our issue, it's reap what you sow.

[Penny Lane]

I ask because it seems like you actually don't need information from him - you have a boundary you want to set.

My DH has found that asking his ex for information is basically useless. Oftentimes it's like you said word salad. Other times she lies or omits important information.

Better, we have found, is that he tells her what he is going to do ie set a boundary. Or, alternatively state that he'd like her to do something and what he will do if she chooses not to.

In your case that might be, you will let him see the kids when he meets xyz criteria.
Or maybe it's, you can see the kid supervised per the parenting agreement on x day at y time, that is what works from them.
Or, please provide proof of a negative drug test from the past 24 hours before we discuss visitation.

Whatever the boundary is that you want to set!

I like the BIFF method: Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm. It's a way to help structure communication that will de-escalate to the degree possible and at the least not get you sucked in to an argument.

Overall, Rose has some very wise insight about how it might be better for the kids if he's around less rather than more. But I'm sorry they have to deal with this - and that you do too.