Could Use Some Additional Insight....

[FiveForFighting]

Friends,
I could use some insight or guidance on my situation. Its somewhat complex and altogether exhausting. I've shared bits and pieces of my life with my uPDw and the feedback I have received from my family here at Out of the FOG has been invaluable but I am recently becoming aware of additional elements of possible toxic behavior. It could also be that I am reaching and have become paranoid and am a victim of over analysis. I noticed, some years ago, when our oldest (of 3) left the home for college that things around the home got worse. By worse, I mean the covert narc behaviors (insert favorite complaint, gaslight or manipulative behavior too long to list). Things continued in the downward direction when our middle child when away to school the following year. Both attending the same university but we're unable to pop in and visit etc. because its 700 miles away. This provides ample opportunity for my uPDw to lightly stalk by phone and text etc. This leaves the supply up to me and my youngest daughter who is a young adult with special needs. And this daughter is hyper vigilant about delivering affirming and supportive compliments to uPDw almost on cue and knows when and how to deliver such comments. She's been groomed to do so. She's always on the lookout to gauge the temperature of the room and to comment when necessary. If my uPDw is triggered or dysregulating (which is 85% to 90% of the time) she hides in her room and occupies herself with her phone. Both my oldest (now graduated and married) and middle child (one more year of school) will not be returning home.
My uPDw and I are very involved at our church and my uPDw even leads a ministry. This element provides an avenue of supply and recognition in person and on social media although she'll claim to not want any recognition but will cultivate comments by content that she endlessly posts regarding morality and religious topics. A couple of years ago, my uPDw discussed with me the possibility of becoming foster parents to provide a home, love and resources for at risk children; targeting infants. I agreed that would be something we could do and would align with our beliefs and our desire to "be the hands and feet" and to do our Savior's work. We were placed with an infant 2 years ago and are  finalizing adoption now. We moved from foster to adopt quickly due to the situation of lack of family etc. I am happy with that and love this little nugget dearly. I feel I have always probably done more that my share when it comes to the kids. I get up with them, take them to appts and take them out with me where ever I go generally. 2 months ago, I did not stand my ground when asked to take another infant (got him at 4 days old) and I feel my wife is trying to adopt him as well but hes does have family in another state that have committed to receiving him... thank goodness. I pushed back but lost that fight clearly. We could have him for another year.
What I have noticed or am trying to determine is if the intent here is two fold. Prior to the children coming in, I was a HS coach, involved with other outside activities etc.  and loved to get out of the house and do outdoor activities etc. I have always been discouraged, not supported and made to feel guilty for anything I was involved in if it did not focus on my uPDw. I mean anything. Sports, work, church, you name it. One of my giftings is service and it makes me "go". Probably one of the reasons that I am so valuable to my uPDw because she knows my propensity to serve. Also my downfall, I feel.
As I see things, starting a family all over again provides her with new avenues of supply while controlling tightly those around her and locks me into the house (and marriage for 18 years) and keeps me from being involved in anything that doesn't focus on her. In my caretaking and servant role, I am exhausted and drowning and it has impacted my health and my job, not mention each of the kids involved which is my primary concern. Sprinkle in the daily endless stream of negativity, complaining (but will never accept solutions), rule levying and controlling, gaslighting and general physical ailments and its quite the picnic.
I just don't know if I am grasping here or if this is a possible process that is unfolding. There is no mistreatment of the children at any time but she expects me to be at her beck and call or be there at any time to relieve her and give her breaks and there is unequal nightly duties etc. When I sit back and think, I am unsure where the breaking point is and how to approach things. Trying mightily to smile and having a hard time of it. I would love some thoughts and if any feel I am "off my rocker". Thank you all. Sorry for the length of this.

[notrightinthehead]

You have read the Toolbox before, maybe go back and refresh your memory.  Are you applying the tools?
Your major concern seems to be that you will be locked in the house and have to serve your wife otherwise you feel guilty. I presume that you get joy from activities with others and time spent with other men. Maybe the joy that brings you will outweigh the uncomfortable feeling of fear, obligation and guilt (fog) you experience?
Have you checked out the audiobook "No more Mr Nice guy" on YouTube? You might benefit from that book.
Ultimately on our path to more freedom we have to face and endure some uncomfortable feelings. Let us know how you are doing. By sharing our experiences we help each other.

[SonofThunder]

Hello FiveForFighting,

You wrote: 

"As I see things, starting a family all over again provides her with new avenues of supply while controlling tightly those around her and locks me into the house (and marriage for 18 years) and keeps me from being involved in anything that doesn't focus on her. In my caretaking and servant role, I am exhausted and drowning and it has impacted my health and my job, not mention each of the kids involved which is my primary concern. Sprinkle in the daily endless stream of negativity, complaining (but will never accept solutions), rule levying and controlling, gaslighting and general physical ailments and its quite the picnic." 

Imo, that paragraph potentially well summarizes your entire repetitive experience (the IDD cycle = Idealize, Devalue, Discard) in your life, all catered around the word 'supply'. Imo that paragraph also well summarizes the experiences for so many of us, just with the subjects altered.  PD's are emotional predators imo, and they need us non's to host their emotions.  If we hosts fail to comply with demands, the PD is ultimately going to face the emptiness inside themselves.  Therefore by feeding on us, we provide them the supply they need to feel good about themselves, at our growing expense for their growing supply needs.  When we eventually wear-out and fail to host, they will find a new host for their supply needs (Discard). 

For example a generic paragraph that i believe many here could use is:   

"As I see things, (subject) provides (her/him) with new avenues of supply while controlling tightly those around and locks me into the house (and marriage for X years) and keeps me from being involved in anything that doesn't focus on (him/her). In my caretaking and servant role, I am exhausted and drowning and it has impacted my health and my job, not to mention (subject) which is my primary concern. Sprinkle in the daily endless stream of negativity, complaining (but will never accept solutions), rule levying and controlling, gaslighting and general physical ailments and its quite the picnic." 

Your wife's particular supply subject happens to be adoption and her church leadership and you as her 'caretaker'.  My experiences were an endless desire for new, larger experiences (out with the old, in with the new), and the higher bar for me to jump over each time, resulting in a to-list that was costing me my emotional (and therefore physical) health. Houses, furniture, other decor,  jobs, travel, cars, hobbies, and so many others.  All served up with a huge helping of both overt and covert PD traits for my differing opinions or non-compliance in assisting/providing with the increasing demands. I was her 'caretaker'. 

You are not alone in your experiences, although the subject matter may be different.  Imo, PD's have the same playbook and that is what i am trying to convey by referencing your paragraph.

I second notrightinthehead on revisiting the toolbox. I also suggest you read Fjelstads wonderful book 'Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist'.  Lastly, if you need boundary encouragement, try Cloud & Townsends book 'Boundaries' or their 'Boundaries in Marriage' book.  Applying any of that wonderful teaching in the toolbox and other resources in a chosen relationship, will require thick skin, a backbone of steel and a tight seatbelt. 

SoT

[Poison Ivy]

I agree with SonofThunder. His summary is spot on: "You are not alone in your experiences, although the subject matter may be different."