And I thought my Dad was the only one....

[p123]

My poor son has Aspergers. Hes struggled for years with school.....
Did really well in his exams though and started college this september just gone. Living away from home.

He's been with this girl for 2 years. Nice enough, a bit flaky but we were really pleased.
She'd stay with us more than her own house, we'd take them both out - to be honest we treated her like a daughter.

So she got into same college as him. They arranged to share a flat. 8 of them 5 of whom were friends. Son was really excited - I though wow its all come good for him.
We went up there, took them both out. Paid for groceries for both of them. Bailed her out when her grant money didn't come through.

Son has a car. He drove her around, picked her up from college, drove them both home (she never paid for fuel).

Came home for xmas. She stayed for 3/4 days then said she had to go home to visit family. Xmas day hes so upset - basically she told him a week or so previously she had "disassociated personality disorder" and could be with anyone. He was so upset. Couldn't understand why she'd come to stay in his bed for those days if, as it looked like, they'd split.

It got worse. He found out that for the last 4 weeks she's been cheating on him. Pretty much went out one night at random and met someone else - 2 years they've been together. So much for the "disorder" which we think now was made up obviously. Looks pretty much like she'd come to visit before xmas to claim her xmas gifts too. (Luckily they werent wrapped and we said we'd see her after xmas!)

He is just so upset now. Hes so angry hes been around to claim his old mobile phone back, his laptop. Shes got his TV in college, and he bought her an xbox just 2 months ago.
Hes still got live in the student flat with her for the rest of the year as well with possibly this other guy coming around.

Myself and my wife are so angry also. I get that teenagers split up but the way shes done this is unbelievable. We treated her so well.
Really afraid now that hes going to be all alone 3 hours drive away and want to quit college.

Im really hoping she quits first to be honest. Like I said shes really flakey and already saying its too hard. Fingers crossed....

Anyone else had similar?

[moglow]

 "disassociated personality disorder and could be with anyone" - that sounds rather convenient, don't you think? It's upsetting to be sure, and likely to be damned painful having to see her every day under these circumstances. Maybe SHE will quit and he can continue on with his studies.

Please tell him - when people show you who they are, believe them. She cheated on him while living with him and accepting/expecting financial support from him and family. He's not responsible for her and please God won't be guilted into providing any further. Actions have consequences, she needs to understand that.

[Srcyu]

That's a really serious disorder if she does have it.
I'm sorry your poor son has been treated like that. People who break up around Christmas time are particularly mean and selfish.
Obviously the living arrangements are a problem now.
Hopefully he can study on the college site and try joining new clubs/groups to keep him out of the shared house for longer periods. He had his life so well worked out. He can do it again, I'm sure, in time.

[p123]

"disassociated personality disorder and could be with anyone" - that sounds rather convenient, don't you think? It's upsetting to be sure, and likely to be damned painful having to see her every day under these circumstances. Maybe SHE will quit and he can continue on with his studies.

Please tell him - when people show you who they are, believe them. She cheated on him while living with him and accepting/expecting financial support from him and family. He's not responsible for her and please God won't be guilted into providing any further. Actions have consequences, she needs to understand that.

Well pretty sure its made up to be honest.....  She seems to have every illness under the sun. Googles it and she has it.
Yeh of course people with "problems" like this really jump into bed with someone else. Its made up.

Yeh best thing is she quits. Fingers crossed. To be honest, we've sort of known for a little that hes not right for her. Hes got big plans of what he wants to do after college - she is already moaning that college is "too hard" (after 2 months!). To be honest we never got on with her parents - not saying everyone who claims government benefits is like this but there are a large section of society who stay home, feign illness and claim all they can from the government. Those of you in the uk will know this, Both her mother and step father dont work - I can see this young lady heading the same way.

[p123]

That's a really serious disorder if she does have it.
I'm sorry your poor son has been treated like that. People who break up around Christmas time are particularly mean and selfish.
Obviously the living arrangements are a problem now.
Hopefully he can study on the college site and try joining new clubs/groups to keep him out of the shared house for longer periods. He had his life so well worked out. He can do it again, I'm sure, in time.

99% sure its all made up to be honest. An excuse......
So far, apparently, shes been to see a counsellor but not gone to a GP for a proper diagnosis. Hmmmm.

And in the meantime jumped into bed with someone else. I dont buy it.

Hes just so upset because they never argued about anything. They had it all set up. In college together etc.
She did well out of the deal - like I said we used to treat her like a daughter,

Like I said she came to stay with us 17th december - in his bed. Yet shes claiming now they had split on 13th (since been proven that it was november she met this other guy). Looks very much like she turned up to get her xmas presents off us (we'd spent over £100 - like I said we treated her like a daughter - son had told her what we bought so it looks like she came to claim it).

Just Wow. Luckily, they werent all wrapped and we'd plan to do after xmas. How can u be so manipulative?

She'll learn. She had sons old mobile cos her broke - hes got that back so she has no phone. Hes got his spare laptop back - she has no laptop for college now. They live a few miles from town so only an expensive local shop - no more trips to supermarket in sons car. Its 2-3 hours drive from home but public transport links are poor (Aberwystwyth in wales for those in the uk), so she better get used to 4-5 hours on a bus too.......

And last night he told me she has no kitchen implements, plates etc, she used to use sons. Hes adamant no way. OK maybe a little bit much but to treat him so badly I dont blame him.

Hes spend every day for the last 2 weeks crying. This is a bit lump of a 19 year old lad. Im just so annoyed at her for doing this to him.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Wow, they had a super enmeshed relationship, especially for those so young. As painful as it is, it's probably for the best that she's no longer his girlfriend. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. Red flags all over the place, to be honest with you, p. Maybe she'll learn and maybe she won't, but I sure hope you, your wife, and especially your son do. She treated him terribly, for sure, and two weeks is not enough time to be "over it." But I really hope his youth will help him to resilience and growth into genuine independence. I think he's being perfectly reasonable no longer allowing this girl to depend on him. Hopefully you can get your money back on the presents. Time and emotional investment you can't get back.

I feel for him. I likewise had a two year relationship from high school into college that was unhealthy in some similar ways. I depended on my boyfriend in ways I ought to have been able to depend on my parents, or else to be independent at that time of my life. His mom also became a surrogate mother to me. It was sink or swim after our breakup, and mostly, I swam. It was hard having zero empathy from my parents but that was nothing new. Gotta feel it to heal it.    Overall, looking back, it was a gift that I had him in those years, given the other circumstances of my life, but also a gift that I was forced to grow past it. And it took an embarrassingly long time. I discovered even after my marriage I had some stuff to work through from this old boyfriend. But I did. Painfully and in spurts, but here we are.

[lkdrymom]

This sounds like my first marriage.  My parents treated my 1st husband like a son.  Helped him in so many ways when we were dating.  We never fought so it was a shock to one day have him tell me he was done with the marriage and had been cheating on me.  And we had to find a way to live together for several months until out house sold.  That was really rough.  I just really hope she doesn't do anything to taunt your son since they are stuck living together. My ex would call his girlfriend in front of me.  He was trying to drive me from the house.  I do like that he is resolved to not help her in any way when they go back to school.  He doesn't need to fight with her, she is just a non-entity as far as he is concerned.

[Srcyu]

p123,
I'm so sorry he's heartbroken. He did not deserve that. She's thrown away such a good person. I would be livid too.

[p123]

Yeh it was way too young to get so emeshed I guess.....

I just though well if you're going to commit 3 years of your life to go to college with someone then you must be serious. i.e. not looking around for anyone else.

Apart from being in the same flat now for 2 terms/semesters they signed a lease for a house rental for next year starting July 1st. This was done Dec 1st apparently..... Half her friends, half his.
Quite why this young lady would do this knowing full well she'd cheated and/or was splitting up I'll never know,

Another mess to sort out....

[p123]

p123,
I'm so sorry he's heartbroken. He did not deserve that. She's thrown away such a good person. I would be livid too.

I know everyone says this about their kids but he is really a nice lad who'd never dream of doing this sort of thing to someone.
Hes come so far and grown into such a lovely young man that its heartbreaking.

He is completely useless and stupid though like most teenagers. Told him not to sign the lease until at least I'd had it looked at legally but jumped in there. aarrghhh

[p123]

Well hes off back to college today.... Still really heartbroken.

Honestly dont know how his ex does it.....

[Srcyu]

His ex could live to regret it. She must be quite immature I think.
Thank goodness he has you and his father watching over him. She wasn't good enough for you all.

[doglady]

First heartbreak is so very hard. We all remember it. He sounds like a beautiful, sensitive young man and one day he will be with someone who properly deserves him, p.

Even though he's hurting so much now, it's very positive that he has been able to share his feelings with you. He obviously knows that you and his mum are there for him and to help him through this tough time. You sound like such a lovely caring Dad and he is very fortunate to have you there for him.

I hope that once back at Uni he can continue to meet new people and also have the support of his friends in the house. It will be challenging living in the same house as this girl but maybe she won't stick it out, as you say.

For the record, there is also no such thing as 'dissociative personality disorder.' Yes, people can certainly have personality disorders but none of them
are called by that name.  There are about about 10 different ones as you probably know, many of them exemplified by family members we post about on Out of the FOG!. And, yes, some people can also dissociate, particularly if they have been through childhood trauma, but this does not then mean that they can 'be with anyone.' There's a lot here that doesn't add up. However, it certainly sounds as if she would benefit from therapy so it's good that she is doing that. Anyway, whatever her actual diagnosis/problems, I hope your son is able to spend time with the friends who care about him and move on from her. He can get through this.

I wish him well, and completely empathise with you about how hard it can be when your kids are struggling and they're far from home.

Look after yourself, p. Hope it all works out. Our kids definitely come before our ageing narcissistic parents!!

[p123]

First heartbreak is so very hard. We all remember it. He sounds like a beautiful, sensitive young man and one day he will be with someone who properly deserves him, p.

Even though he's hurting so much now, it's very positive that he has been able to share his feelings with you. He obviously knows that you and his mum are there for him and to help him through this tough time. You sound like such a lovely caring Dad and he is very fortunate to have you there for him.

I hope that once back at Uni he can continue to meet new people and also have the support of his friends in the house. It will be challenging living in the same house as this girl but maybe she won't stick it out, as you say.

For the record, there is also no such thing as 'dissociative personality disorder.' Yes, people can certainly have personality disorders but none of them
are called by that name.  There are about about 10 different ones as you probably know, many of them exemplified by family members we post about on Out of the FOG!. And, yes, some people can also dissociate, particularly if they have been through childhood trauma, but this does not then mean that they can 'be with anyone.' There's a lot here that doesn't add up. However, it certainly sounds as if she would benefit from therapy so it's good that she is doing that. Anyway, whatever her actual diagnosis/problems, I hope your son is able to spend time with the friends who care about him and move on from her. He can get through this.

I wish him well, and completely empathise with you about how hard it can be when your kids are struggling and they're far from home.

Look after yourself, p. Hope it all works out. Our kids definitely come before our ageing narcissistic parents!!

Thanks Dog - yes its so hard. We've had daily zoom calls now with him still really upset. Just had one now in the middle of my working day.

Im just so worried about him. I know everyone says about their own kids but in all honesty hes a lovely lad whos come through a lot to get where he is today. I just know he would never treat someone so badly as she has. Even now hes blaming himself because he mildly lost his temper once or twice during arguments.

I wish he'd never met her.  I dont think she'll ever change. Its one made up drama after another with her it seems. Shes bad news.....

Its awkward in the same flat. Shes back in a  few days thats gonna be a test. I am honestly hoping she follows throguh on her thoughts that she might leave.
I really hope she doesnt think its ok to bring her new fella around.

This new fella apparently knew she was in a 2 year relationship and didnt care. Never met her before. I think that says a lot about his personality too.... If you can take the opportunity like that and not care about someone else you can see whats going to happen in the future. Next chance he gets he's going to go elsewhere. When I was younger I had friends like that, they didnt give a monkeys about anyone, and hopped from woman to woman. It'll certainly be karma when that happens.

[myself]

It sounds like your son has done really well to start setting hard boundaries with her right away in getting his stuff back. I would say it's fair enough if he's setting them harder than he needs to - it's easier to loosen up once he feels more secure in protecting his own resources, internal as well as material, than to try and tighten loose boundaries. And after all, she chose her behaviour towards him.

Probably the fact that he fell for her is a testament to his own honesty and niceness. It's hard to imagine someone being so heartless when your own perspective on life is generally kind-hearted.

Personally, I think that anyone on the autism spectrum needs to be protected from manipulative people. An adult with Asperger's is always going to be more vulnerable to deceitful behaviour than most. It sounds like you were doing well being involved with this girlfriend as a parent, and sometimes I think there's really no way to predict a sting like that because a) it's hard for nice people to think like someone who is not nice and therefore they are hard to predict, and b) they are both very young and learning. I've heard a very outwardly independent autistic adult explain how after a similar experience, he set up a system of having his family and close friends 'vet' any new acquaintance, job, or romantic interest. This way he could get other people's perspective to support his own judgement of whether someone was a good fit for the inner circles in his life.

It's fantastic that your son has you there to support him through this. I hope he can bounce back and see it as a valuable learning experience, and not think that he somehow is a failure in any way.

The book 'Safe People', I think by the same people that wrote 'Boundaries', might be helpful for your son to read. Also maybe doing some work on circles of trust, actually writing down what level he would place different people in his life at.

Your son's ex sounds a lot like a roommate I had at college. I'm sure my roommate had some personality disorder, though she too kept trotting out different highly suspicious disorders to excuse her behaviour. I think one telltale red flag that I wish I had learned to watch out for from her was never taking any responsibility for behaviour - there was always an excuse, or a plea to feel sorry for her, or blame-shifting, or an almost-apology with no change in behaviour. I've found that pattern to be a reliable predictor of emotionally un-safe people. My roommate dropped out of college pretty quickly once most of the people around her realised that she was using them and stopped doing things for her and she had to start shifting for herself.

[Leonor]

Dear P,

This is heartbreaking for a young man but it is not your heartbreak.

This is your son's relationship, and it is up to him to acknowledge, work through, and heal his own hurt.

For his parents to get involved with his relationships and his girlfriend's diagnoses and post break-up analysis is the definition of enmeshment ... but it's not his enmeshment with this girl; it's your enmeshment with him.

Hearts bruise, but they don't break. Being there as a compassionate listener for your son as he grieves the loss of his first relationship is all he really needs. As well as all you can give him.

[bloomie]

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