Always A Work In Progress

[Kat54]

While the holidays were fine,  it did though make me feel this emptiness of feeling alone. It comes out of nowhere and it's almost like a panic attack. It's when I'm by myself and I can keep myself pretty busy, but then I feel suddenly super sad not having someone in my life.  On one hand that comes with dealing with another person and all their baggage but also someone who you can be your friend and partner. I do miss that.

I've been kind of dating someone but didn't really see him over the holidays as his son was home from college and he wanted to spend time with him. I'm getting into this self loathing where I'm thinking he will likely dump me soon. But now things running through my head and not good things. Overlooking some red flags and thinking he's good and wanting to hold onto him despite my gut feelings.
Red flags, DUI last year. He was a VP at a company, lost his job. He does have a new one but way down the ladder from where he was. He recently got thrown out of a bar from being in a fight. He said he has just gotten there and sat for a beer after work when the man next to him shoved him for no reason. Everyone has a reason. 
And this is a guy with a PHD in statistical math, dresses well, not some dirtbag looking person. So smart but pretty dumb in other ways apparently. So my brain is saying, drinking issues, get out of this.

Every person I meet has drinking or abuse issues. Why am I a magnet for these people?? My ex is a huge drinker and he's gotten into his own troubles from it. 

I don't think I should continue with him but I'll be alone. Which in the end will be better for me.   I have to learn from past mistakes.

[Kat54]

I've been around alcoholics my entire life so this is almost normal for me, though I know it's very unhealthy. While I do like my wine, I have breaks and stop. I'm in the midst of possibly stopping entirely because I don't want to have it in my life anymore or be around it. Its been a very destructive thing in my life. 
Though a couple of my sisters are going down the rabbit hole with drinking also and is very concerning.
I just want my life better, and it's getting there but more bumps in the road.

[moglow]

Being alone isn't always a bad thing - for me, being with someone so I won't be alone rarely ends well. I make too many excuses for them and myself in the process. Granted sounds like this guy's hit a very rough spot in the road, just understand he may not be relationship material. Nothing wrong with spending time with someone if you enjoy his company, but know your own limits.

[escapingman]

Kat, how bad are the red flags? Could he have been attacked for no reason? I am saying this as I seen it in the past with people just deciding to pick a fight for no reason. I am sure you are right to be worried but sometimes it happens.

I have nothing else really to advice on this as I am not sure I ever be brave enough to get back into dating.

[notrightinthehead]

Have you checked out the Al-Anon website?  You might have learned to at best tolerate or even support heavy drinking. They have online meetings.  You can try a few and see if that could be something for you.
I attend CoDA meetings and they have become a place of safety where I feel welcome and accepted for me.

[Boat Babe]

Either there's a HUGE amount of damaged people out there or we adult children of dysfunctional parents attract them is an interesting question. Addiction is certainly rife in most Western, capitalist countries. I'm with Gabor Maté on this: our cultures are actively working against us. I see trauma everywhere.

I've now been single for the longest time ever in my adult life (18 months) because I have, up till now, actively made sure I had a man in my life to fill the void left by my father. This has had mixed results, including two PDs and a heroin addict (I didn't know if at the beginning) Also some very lovely guys. This time though I have not reentered the dating pool because, although missing intimacy, I have to sort out the father shaped void at the centre of my being without resorting to glomming on to a man.  It's all really difficult but there are some really big shifts occuring, therapy is amazing, my own addictions are abating and I can see that soon I am will be well, even though there isn't a man in my life.  That gives me huge hope.

[Kat54]

Thank you all for the insight.

I have to remind myself to not compromise my happiness. He's nice he can be very generous, but he may not be dating material right now. I don't want to have someone fill this void that is just a space holder to be there so I'm not alone. It's not fair to him also.

[JustKeepTrying]

You know there are times on here when I want to pour us all a glass of wine and just dish around the kitchen table.  I want to lean forward Kat54, put my hand on your arm and sip wine with the other and ask you - after a few days of not seeing him, what is your intuition telling you?  And then eat ice cream.

Give yourself some time.  Let it sit and give yourself some breathing space.  Let that dopamine exit your system and see if you still feel the same way.

[moglow]

   absolutely that!!