How to help child dealing with verbal abuse

[turtlemama]

I haven't posted in a few years about my situation. My 11yo DS is with his Dad about a third of the time. Ex is remarried with several new kids.

My question is regarding verbal abuse and meeting with a family therapist. DS is often overwhelmed about the chaos and screaming/fighting and cursing at his Dad's house. He's sees a therapist who is helping him with coping mechanisms but he comes back to my house angry and overwhelmed.

Recently, he came back to my house and said his Dad and step mom were yelling and arguing with him and told him to shut the F up when he argued with them about something pandemic related. They also yell and curse at the younger kids. He was upset and told a counselor at school about it who told him to just not argue.

DS will complain and cry that he doesn't want to go back to his Dad's house and that no one is helping him and he's mad that I won't do anything to stop how his Dad is. I know there is only so much I can do- I think verbal abuse is hard to prove and I'm not ready to go back to court.

It's been suggested to do a family counseling session with my ex but the thought makes me sick because of how manipulative he is. I honestly don't know what my options are. I obviously lived through being in the same house as my ex and it is stressful, depressing and I was hopeless. I've also considered reaching out to ex's mother if she could talk to my ex. Maybe his behavior would change in the short term but it wouldn't last.

I'm also worried that if I bring it up directly with my ex, he will take it out on my son. Does anyone have any suggestions?

[bloomie]

turtlemama - Hi there and welcome back! I am so sorry your DS is having to experience what sounds like a toxic atmosphere and verbal abuse when he is at his dad's house. It sounds really stressful for him and you by extension.

I am wondering if the answer about what to do is as simple as asking yourself... what would you do if any other adult in you son's life treated him, or spoke to him, this way? Whatever that is... do that! If any other adult was treating your son this way would you advocate for him? Even if it was a complicated relationship or situation?

And I would address this in writing so that you have a record that you did so and some kind of documentation of what your DS is telling you is happening.

My thoughts on this. Sending you much wisdom and strength as you lead your child through this.

[Penny Lane]

Oh no my heart goes out to your son and to you. How awful.

I think in this situation you have one benefit which I and many of the people on the board do not have - your son sees that there is a problem AND he sees that you are on his side.

I also feel like my stepson made a developmental leap right around that age, where he understood much more sophisticated things as he tried to deal with stuff at his mom's house.

So in your case I think you can use those two things to help him figure out ways to make it easier on himself.

First, validate that you agree that it's a problem (if you haven't already). This contradicts advice to not badmouth the other parent, but that advice is for reasonable situations. This is not a reasonable situation and you don't need to pretend it is. So when your son talks about it really affirm, that is not acceptable behavior, he shouldn't have to deal with it, and you're sorry that he is dealing with it.

Then I think you sit down and you tell him, I want to help you deal with this. I have taken it as far as I can through the courts - there just isn't an option for me to bring in a third party to make your dad and stepmom behave right.

Then, the two of you can brainstorm. You as the adult know about resources and strategies that he doesn't. But he as the victim probably has a pretty good gut feeling about what could work in the moment.

Some ideas you could discuss:
- Ask him - do you want me to address this with your dad? I am concerned he will retaliate and that he won't change his behavior. Is that worth it to you for the possibility that things will improve?
- Can you make a long term plan to get him out of there? Documenting, etc?
- Or maybe a plan for him to start dropping visitation. A weekend here and there where he's doing other things and he says he wants to stay at your house. See how your ex reacts.
- Deescalation strategies. Obviously at 11 he can't stop his dad and stepmom from fighting - and that is NOT his responsibility. What can he do? Can he go to his room? Can he make plans with friends? Can he join a sport that takes up a lot of time on the weekends?
- Working with the therapist on more targeted interventions that will help.

These are just ideas - maybe you have tried some of them or considered and discarded them. But overall I think your best most effective move here is to arm your son with strategies to help improve his life. And I think giving him a sense of control - even choosing between bad options in a bad situation - will make it feel less hopeless.

You can also tell him - this is not forever. We are going to work to get you through this and I am going to work to get you out of it. But at 18, possibly earlier, you can decide you are not going to go over there ever again. Let's try to keep you safe until then.

The family therapy, the talking to your ex or his mom - like you said, your ex isn't going to change. Those are short term solutions, and I think they're fine to do if you judge them to be safe. But in the long term your son will need to handle the situation or remove himself (or, if and when you can go back to court, be removed) for anything to truly change.

I'm sorry, this is so heartbreaking to watch. You are such a good mom and you are doing a fantastic job in an impossible situation.

[Kat54]

I agree. In writing I would go to bat for your son and speak to your ex through a email to him. But speak to your son first so he can make the decision for you to do that. He knows this is not forever with visitation so keep talking to him and maybe he can eventually drop a weekend here and there. And if your ex says anything then bring up the bad behavior.

He's obviously in great distress.
It's very hard being in such a toxic home and he knows it as your home is not, which I'm sure he feels is a safe place for him.

Good luck

[Starboard Song]

This is already great advice. Along with tactics for managing and reducing this abuse, your DS no doubt needs some healing help. We have a section for helping kids thrive in our Recommended Reading page. May want to check and see if any seem to be a fit.

[NarcKiddo]

I think you've had great advice so far.

I also think that at age 11 your son is probably able to understand the concept that we cannot control others, we can only control ourselves. As such, there is limited practical help anyone can give him if he is obliged to visit his father. You cannot make his father change his behaviour (although it might be worth asking your son if he has any ideas about what you could do, since he is currently feeling you are not helping. Coming to his own conclusion after discussion with you about what is and is not possible might feel empowering to him). The counsellor's advice not to argue probably feels unhelpful to your son but actually may be the basis of how he needs to approach it. But if he can feel not arguing is a strategy with an end in sight (this will not last forever, let's make it as painless as possible) and if you can do anything to lessen his contact then maybe he could tolerate it better. I think Penny Lane in particular has given you a lot of things you and he could think about together.

[Rose1]

I agree that efforts to make your child resilient and have strategies for dealing with pd behaviour will have much better long term results than trying to take on the pd.

It's been my experience that if I said anything at all about pdexh behaviour toward his Ds that it was guaranteed to escalate and he would make sure it happened.

You can't fix pd but you can give your son strategies. I particularly like the idea of involving him in the problem solving and that this is a solution to a temporary problem that he will eventually be able to remove himself from, perhaps earlier than age 18 which probably seems a long time to him. Maybe removing himself by going outside, wearing headphones with music or audio books, study books etc, or a hobby.

In the meantime if he can continue to get some professional help to keep him reminded what normal behaviour is, then it's not just your opinion.