Awakening

[escapingman]

I think the last bits of me has woken up following the court hearing a couple of months ago and the continued abuse through the social worker. When trying to explain to her she just gets angry and accuse me of abusing GC. I got terrible bad when this happened, but it also helped me open my eyes wide open and got my appetite for next round up. Honestly, looking back to how things where a year ago I am not sure how I survived, how DD survived, but we did although with very ruffled feathers. I have felt somewhat responsible for what happened as both judge and social worker kept putting blame on my door. But now I can see and I know, I was not responsible for ANY of the abuse. However I feel terrible for not being able to protect the children and leave earlier, that is something I will have to live with forever. Right now I can't protect GC, that's on the social worker and her biased reports, and the judge for not judging properly.

But, I am forming a plan, I need to execute it with exacting standards though and to be patience. I really feel like I have been down in hell and just found the ladder up from it. I can feel the strength coming back, I am not afraid of STBX anymore, I am not going to let the system abuse me again. I am going to save my girls.

[SonofThunder]

I think the last bits of me has woken up following the court hearing a couple of months ago and the continued abuse through the social worker. When trying to explain to her she just gets angry and accuse me of abusing GC. I got terrible bad when this happened, but it also helped me open my eyes wide open and got my appetite for next round up. Honestly, looking back to how things where a year ago I am not sure how I survived, how DD survived, but we did although with very ruffled feathers. I have felt somewhat responsible for what happened as both judge and social worker kept putting blame on my door. But now I can see and I know, I was not responsible for ANY of the abuse. However I feel terrible for not being able to protect the children and leave earlier, that is something I will have to live with forever. Right now I can't protect GC, that's on the social worker and her biased reports, and the judge for not judging properly.

But, I am forming a plan, I need to execute it with exacting standards though and to be patience. I really feel like I have been down in hell and just found the ladder up from it. I can feel the strength coming back, I am not afraid of STBX anymore, I am not going to let the system abuse me again. I am going to save my girls.

Wishing you continued strength EM!  Keep moving forward soldier!  Its a long, arduous truth war, and we find ourselves beaten down, diverted sideways, pushed back and tired.  We must continue to dig deep in the truth everywhere in our lives, and in quality, integrity, insight and wisdom, continue to press forward.  You are not alone my friend; my comrade!

SoT

[escapingman]

Very interesting.

DD played online games with GC and used the mics talking to each other. DD did not only hear STBX and MIL shouting at each other in the background but also STBX laying into GC when she left the computer for going to the toilet. I think I need to encourage her to play more often and to start recording. Funny this as the SW told me all is safe,and peaceful over there.

[moglow]

Understand that the SW is seeing and hearing exactly what stbx wants her to. Guarantee that's how my mother and countless others have done before and since. No one outside the situation sees just how bad some mothers are, they truly want to believe the picture they are painted. Unless you've lived it, the idea that there are monsters living among us disguised as mothers is unimaginable.

It's not an easy road for anyone involved. Yours is to remain a stable unifying force for your children. That SW? She's also human and can be snowed by surface appearances. Your girls know all too well what it's like when their mother goes on a tear, will likely do or say anything to prevent it, including throwing anyone else under the bus to deflect her attention elsewhere.

My heart goes out to all of you. Survival is a hell of a way to grow into adults - watching your children go through it and having limited means of changing anything has to be a whole new level of hell. Continue showing them they are safe with you, loved and appreciated for who they are. It will make a difference fir them, even when you may not see it.

[hhaw]

Still shocked you have zero access to GC.  That seems unusual to me.  My Judge told me he was going to order lots of visitation to my abusive stbx.....it was meant to be a threat to me, but typically Judges award visitation without thinking about it, ime.

I'd continue documenting the facts in a mails to SW, attorneys and your journal/calendar.

Your STBX told a story directly appealing to the SW, in my experience.  That's what PD's do. It's also the reason PDs have trouble in court.....they tailor their son story to different people and get caught in lies when trial come around.  They can't tailor lies to the judge if they have 3 stories out there for other court officers, kwim?

Your story will always line up, bc you're telling the truth.  In fact, ommitting the craziest stuff is wise IF you lack proof.

Tailor your story around your evidence and trust you'll eventually get your day in court.....maybe a few cases down the road, but you'll be ready while stbx is lining up for a terrible day in the harsh light if that final courtroom.

Remember this determined confidence when you're struggling, EM.  It comes and goes.

((EM and girls))

[square]

It's not just that SW is seeing only what STBX wants her to see, but at this point, only what SW wants to see.

[hhaw]

I would be enquiring very pointedly what facts and evidence SW is basing her "opiniins" on.

Document document document.  SW should put her reasons in writing.

I'd appear earnest and super curious as to her reasoning, THEN very eager to educate her with the facts, sans judgment.

[oak_tree]

Hey EM. As always, watching your story and hoping things will get easier for you and your daughters.

You mentioned encouraging DD to play online games more with GC and recording them. I assume you mean recording the interactions yourself, right? I thought at first you were considering asking DD to record them, and my concern there would be putting DD "in the middle". Another concern would be how the SW would perceive involving DD like that.  Maybe DD is aware enough that it would occur to her to record it herself without you suggesting it?

And the other side of that is finding out what the laws are in your jurisdiction about recording conversations of which you're not a part. Where I am, as long as one person in the conversation is aware, it's okay, but it's not legal for a non-participating party to record a conversation if none of the other parties is aware.  Just things to keep in mind.

All the best, EM.
OT

[escapingman]

Oaktree, STBX has put the girls firmly in the middle. All interactions between GC and DD has an ulterior motive and that is to get DD over in their camp. DD is so tired of it and she is struggling with seeing GC because of this. As DD herself says to me, they are just trying to manipulate me. I am pretty sure DD is switched on enough to start recording if something happens, she recorded STBX attacking her once.

Things are not going STBX way with DD and I am wondering when she will put her foot down. DD is doing GR and MC without knowing it, STBX and MIL will not like that.

But I am feeling really down and worn out by all this. All I want is for my girls to be safe, and right now GC is in the hornets nest with 2 predators.

[oak_tree]

oh, I 100% get that it's STBX who puts DD and GC in the middle. You've shown amazing restraint in that respect, from all I've read. You should feel pleased with how you've handled that, imo.  I would just never want you to be perceived as putting DD in the middle, and if DD makes a recording and says to SW that you "mentioned she could", for example, her words could get twisted around as if you were telling DD to "tell on" STBX or to "Catch them out". I may be being over-cautious.

I'm so sorry you're feeling down. Your energy and focus on your girls through all this is really inspiring.  GC has a tough journey, there's no question. Imo, you're doing what you can for her. She has options, and one day she'll see that.

[escapingman]

I am not doing very well at the moment. No one is believing me and I am now accused of abusing GC by the SW. I am not sure how much longer I can cope to be honest, I am just back in to that black hole and can't see how to get out of it. I am struggling to concentrate and really can't work very well, I might need to get a sick not and sign off from work, but I can't afford that.

[escapingman]

I just don't understand how people can believe the smear campaign when they have evidence in recordings on what actually was happening. I am tearing my hair out on this.

[SonofThunder]

I am not doing very well at the moment. No one is believing me and I am now accused of abusing GC by the SW. I am not sure how much longer I can cope to be honest, I am just back in to that black hole and can't see how to get out of it. I am struggling to concentrate and really can't work very well, I might need to get a sick not and sign off from work, but I can't afford that.

Will be praying for your strength EM.  Does your employer have a HR department?  If so, consider sitting down with them. HR may be able to assist you in ways in your personal life. Some larger companies HR may even have service availabilities for family members as part of a benefits package.  Obviously the company desires and needs you at your best, as its wise businesses to take care of the assets of the company.

I want to encourage you to find your indifference, to everyone connected to the opposing party. Its all just long-haul manipulation and you know it. Opposition is trying to wear you down, because they don't have truth that is beneficial to their case, therefore lies about the opposing party, stalls, and ridiculous games using the over-busy court system is a common tactic.

Fighting a rip current is tough and darn-near impossible and many drown trying.  Therefore the proper technique is to relax, go with the flow and when the flow weakens, move sideways. Get on with life EM.  Have a 'don't care' attitude toward the opposition. They are enjoying you struggle in the rip current so don't give them the pleasure.  Report the SW as out of line, incompetent and therefore a detriment to you and your children. Ask the court for a reassignment. and get on with your normal business; find your strength. 

You have well stated that GC is used as a pawn in the game and its been fairly common practice for PD's to use kids as manipulative leverage, so imo expected.  Imo younger children can be very mentally flexible, and fairly resilient to the covert use of them in these ways, so when all this is over, then possibly GC, with some assistance by her loving Dad, can get some counseling to help shed some of the past, and move forward with her own life.

Its a war my soldier comrade,

SoT

[SonofThunder]

I just don't understand how people can believe the smear campaign when they have evidence in recordings on what actually was happening. I am tearing my hair out on this.

  Exactly EM!   

So move on in bold indifference to lies and manipulation.  Focus your mind, body and eyes elsewhere.  Your wife takes pleasure in knowing you are "tearing my hair out on this.". Its part of her war plan, and your hair-tearing is fueling her energy. 

Please remember your PDw-stbx is a brilliant manipulator!  Evidence in that is the past decades.  Mine is too...They all are!  Therefore don't fight against it, but be indifferent to the lies and tactics.  PD's L-O-A-T-H being ignored EM.  Report the SW through the proper legal channel and move along. She's just a tool in your stbx's toolbox and the SW isn't smart enough to win against a cunning, brilliant manipulator either. Long-haul indifference is key in this truth war EM. 

The PD will start to truth-crack as they expose the truth themselves, because they push the manipulation engine too hard when they see no effect on the opposition. The engine starts to falter and the warning light comes on for ALL to see. 

SoT

[escapingman]

Thanks for your replies SoT. STBX is ramping it up as neither me or DD is bothering with her antics. Yes I tearing my hair out, but not visible to her. STBS is desperate to establish contact with both me and DD. Its fending off all them that doesn't realise no contact us the only way working. The möte control she loses the more likely she drop her mask at the right time in the right way.

[hhaw]

IME, the PDs always manage to manipulate some vulnerable person/court officer, which feels very threatening, but typically falls apart on close examination in the courtroom.

The PDs depend on the non pulling their hair out and losing control of their emotions, lashing out, drawing attention away from the PD.

If y9u keep your cool, continue documenting and focus on your children and mental health, the PDs typically self destruct, usually doing what they can to destroy the non and the kids IF they're the type who employs scorched earth policies.  My ASPD employed scorched earth policies and so did his parents in his place.

It's a shame we hand them so much rope, ime. 

[escapingman]

The problem I have is how to handle all flying monkeys (including my legal team) as STBX is desperately trying to rattle me from a distance. There is a no contact order, but we are allowed to talk through an app regarding the children. I am not interested in doing this and want to keep no contact, but STBX is pushing for it and the monkeys tries to get me to talk to her. This would immediately start feeding her supply and give her an opportunity to start hidden abuse that no one else would see. STBX want to discuss loads of things in relation to GC, but at the same time she is alienating GC so I have no contact with her. As I know STBX to well, she wants this contact for 2 reasons, firts one is to dangle GC in front of me and making Good darn sure I know GC is there and I can't have her. The second is to extract money from me for things GC needs. STBX is playing it as she wants to discuss options, but I have no say anyway so no point of getting in to that rabbit hole.

The less STBX gets what she wants the higher chance she will up her stake and eventually lose control, that is my only hope in this mess right now. Every time I get something from either the SW or through from the legal team I have to think about what is the best possible response for 1) Giving as little supply as possible and 2) How can I make her feel she is losing control and drop her mask. It is very difficult when I get a very reasonable request to do something when it is only reasonable if the other party would be a non, with STBX being a PD her reasonable request is not as reasonable as it looks on the surface.

DD told me yesterday that she absolutely hate the SW and is sick of her siding with STBX, she told me she even told her therapist this. Although the therapist didn't get it and questioned DD what SW would gain from siding with STBX. DD laughed at me and said it's not like they are bribing her is it. That just stopped me in my tracks and I would actually not put it past MIL to have done a back hander, threatened the SW or most likely they just totally played the manipulation and victim cards.

I am worn out, I am tearing my hair out as I wrote earlier, but I am not letting STBX see this. I am waiting for that mask to drop. When it does, and it's a when and not an if, it will be time to strike.

[SonofThunder]

EM,

One of the interesting things for me, now that I live away from my stbx, is how calm life can be in a home; in daily living.  But the downside to the new normal, is that it causes a high contrast to occur when there is any interaction with stbx.  In the past decades, it was reversed, as the high-drama, home-tension, daily living complexity, my radar on high, and my self-protection mode was turned up to max, and any periods of calm stood out in stark contrast. 

You wrote:

"1) Giving as little supply as possible and 2) How can I make her feel she is losing control and drop her mask. It is very difficult when I get a very reasonable request to do something when it is only reasonable if the other party would be a non, with STBX being a PD her reasonable request is not as reasonable as it looks on the surface."

Imo, that above paragraph is fairly similar to what occurred in your home when stbx lived there, and you were journaling, data/truth collecting on the drama occurring, playing referee, goalie and being the opposing team. Therefore, is part of your "tearing your hair out" because the contrast of continuing to deal with stbx's drama from a distance, seems amplified because you don't live with her now?  You've definitely been through #1 and #2 plenty in the past, so doing this (for a drama-living veteran like you), should be just more of status quo. 

Imo, you cannot "make her feel" anything.  Boundaries are only about you.  Imo and Ime, PD's cant stand 'indifference'.  Imo, if you want to see your stbx pull out the stops to a point it becomes visible to the people that matter in this case, indifference is your tool.  Indifference also requires me to get on with my life. 

Indifference is like putting a larger, stronger, more effective bull bar (push-bumper) on my truck. When the drama runs out into my lane, I just let my strong indifference bar do the work of kicking that creature to the curb. My push-bumper may look like hell after a while, but my truck's still going strong.  Again, PD's hate ineffective drama and manipulation, so they naturally turn up the volume to get the 'feed'back they need. 

So potentially, instead of "pulling your hair out", just get on with living and do the opposite of working on a head of fuller hair. 

SoT

[escapingman]

Thanks SoT, I think my pulling hair was more related to the social worker and how she accused me of things I haven't done. It's very frustrating when people supposed to help get hoodwinked by the narc(s). But yes I am getting on with my life as much as I can and have to leave that drama away. STBX is using GC to manipulate me and as a bait, when I have been trying to keep in touch with GC they both have complained about me contacting her to much, and now when I keep the contact at a minimum they complain I am not trying hard enough. I know that whatever I do STBX will be pulling the strings and try to catch me, right now I have decided to have minimum contact with GC and see how that goes. If I show little interest in GC then the power of using GC as a tool is fading for STBX, she now have very little that she can use as I don't care about her or any of her stuff. We are still negotiating finances, which can take years, but I don't care, what will be will be.

The peace SoT, the calm, it's just amazing. I am feeling much better now, but I had a real dip when being accused for things by the SW. I had a productive day with work meetings yesterday which also put me back in a more sane mood.

I have to stop (visible) fighting for GC, I will have to wait for her either coming to me or for an incident. Patience, patience, patience, patience EM. 

[SonofThunder]

If I show little interest in GC then the power of using GC as a tool is fading for STBX

I have to stop (visible) fighting for GC, I will have to wait for her either coming to me or for an incident. Patience, patience, patience, patience EM.

GC needs to learn (through the benefit if hardship) to fight for HERSELF.  Therefore, you will be an even better father by letting her do this.  Difficult to do and witness as a parent? Hell yes! Necessary for proper growth and strength of the child?  Hell yes also.

In addition, as you stated, it will be easier for GC to fight for herself if  "the power of using GC as a tool is fading for STBX".  That requires you getting out of the mix... 'indifference'.  When GC starts fighting for herself, she may surprise you in a very good way, and as long as she knows your are living in the calm home, getting on with living and that the love and door is open for her in your home, thats all she needs to know. 

SoT