boyfriend slams doors/furniture when angry, help on setting boundaries?

[pollenwater]

hello,
last night my boyfriend slammed doors again. we live together and i have expressed multiple times how this behavior affects me, but i have never set a true boundary. i'm looking for help setting a boundary that would not hurt him too much, but i want it to show him that i will not tolerate this behavior. this morning it seems like he wants to forget what has happened, but i am not willing to allow this to continue. i was thinking that i could say "if you continue to physically enact your anger, i will not be able to live with you again next year" but i'm worried he'll use that against me next time he's mad via guilt tripping me or something. so i think i need something gentler, something he can't use to make me feel bad and revoke my own boundary. we live in an apartment in nyc, so i don't really know where i can remove myself to if he starts doing it, especially late at night. i guess i could say that i will go to my car, but that doesn't seem feasible 100% of the time, especially when it's parked far away. if anyone has any ideas, please help me. he has never hurt me, and i want to stay together, but he does not know how to regulate his emotions and i do not want to be at the tail end of it anymore. i feel forced to love him rather than wanting to love him, and it is not fair.

[Starboard Song]

Yeah. That's totally not fair.

It is important that he understand the magnitude of this for you. If he is slamming doors in anger at you, that is definitely a red flag. It is very reasonable, and can be very kind, to say "we've talked about this, but I need to tell you how your acting out affects me. I owe it to you to tell you what I need. And I know you have your own needs. Maybe acting out your anger is one of those. But I can't live forever in a home where someone acts out their anger at me in violence. I need you to find another way to express yourself. I am willing to be a part of that and help. But this is important."

I don't mean to be prescriptive. It's just easier to role-play an example than to describe the shape of such a conversation. You see lots of "I" statements. This should be about what YOU need. So literally say "I need/want" this and that. It needn't be expressed as any sort of ultimatum, but as an invitation to talk. The ultimatum sneeks out gently when, as you talk, you leave open no option that includes violent acting out of anger (slamming a door to express anger is violent, though not dangerous).

I hope he will hear you and can work to suppress or express his frustrations without acting out. Using words, when expression is appropriate, is how we improve our relationships by keeping them mutual. Managing our feelings, when supression is appropriate, is how we become more disciplined, and happier.

If he cannot learn to do this, you'll face a decision about whether he is a good long-term partner. Give him a good solid chance to perform by openly expressing your needs. I wish you strength.

[pollenwater]

Thank you so much Starboard Song. It seems like you really understand the situation, and it's nice to be able to talk about this without the other person immediately demonizing my partner. I'm going to use your example conversation when I talk to him later today— it is perfect for expressing myself without being too harsh. Thankfully he's out right now so during the next few hours that I have the apartment to myself I'm going to take care of myself as best I can until I bring up the tough discussion. I hope he listens, too. Thank you again.