Hello, new here

[fogontheroad]

Hello.  New member here.  I just cut contact with an uBPD and I'm trying figure some stuff out.  Things like how did I miss/ignore so many red flags?  Why did I let someone get so close so fast?  Why was I susceptible to this kind of manipulation?  Why was I trying to convince myself (and those close to me) that everything was OK?  Why did I allow myself to change for someone who was never satisfied?  I assume it's the usual stuff.  Someone close to me recommended this site as a good resource for understanding, coping, and support.

Twenty years ago I fell for someone with some sort of PD, probably BPD, and it dominated over three years of my life.  When I left I didn't try to understand it, I did the usual stuff a young person does when they have a new found sense of freedom.  I did not learn about my experience, do the work necessary to see the warning signs, build effective personal boundaries, cope with anxiety, etc. after that relationship.  I've been mostly lucky since then.  I've either met stable people who have no hidden agenda, fell for someone whose red flags were too big and bright to be ignored (and quickly exited), or someone I trust who knows the signs would warn me off of someone if they saw red flags.  I should have asked how they knew what to look for, but I didn't.

Three months ago I meet someone new.  I'll save the details for the one of the relationship forums but it had so many similarities to the relationship from 20 years ago, it just moved at lightning speed.  And people tried to warn me.  The person I trust more than anyone tried to warn me.  Falling for the same pattern of manipulation makes me feel small, broken, incomplete... but also determined.  The "Personality Disorders" and "Toolbox" tabs of this site are a little mind blowing.  I know I can't just read them once and completely avoid this situation again but I'm learning the warning signs.  I also know that talking to people who have been through similar experiences helps so here I am.

[Starboard Song]

Welcome! You have not been foolish. It is hard. And it is entirely healthy to expect better of people, and to trust. You've learned. The goal now is of course to not be burned again. But it is also to not let your heart be hardened. To not become over-vigilant, seeing PDs in everyone you meet. It is hard to walk the line.

Check out out Toolbox and the What To Do page to see what resonates. We look forward to seeing you on the boards.

Be good. Be strong.

[NarcKiddo]

Hello, and welcome.

If you tend to fall for these types (and it sounds like you do even if you quickly spot the problems) then I wonder whether this goes back as far as childhood? My parents are both uNPD (and their families are rife with mental illness). It took me decades to realise the problem with my parents and I certainly have made some very questionable relationship choices along the way.

Don't beat yourself up about it. These ingrained patterns are hard to deal with, even when we know they are there. I'm sure you'll find lots of help and support on this site. I certainly have.

[fogontheroad]

Thanks!

Starboard Song - Not letting the heart get hardened is definitely a goal.  I'm looking for local support groups as well as local volunteer opportunities.  I was advised to avoid volunteering with people getting out of abusive relationships until after there's been more therapy/counseling/support groups/time and distance.  One of the things both of these people took advantage of was my desire to help someone.  I don't want to shut that part of me off, I just don't want to be in a position in which one person can convince me to focus all of that help on them.  Volunteering and helping people seems like a good way the scratch that "I want to help" itch without getting sucked in to a single person.  And I'll be utilizing the rest of the site too.  Thank you for the recommendations.

NarcKiddo - Yeah... I'm sure there are factors from childhood that contribute.  In fact I know there is.  I can identify a couple of things immediately.  Parents, certain aspects of the church I grew up in...  Thankfully my family is pretty open about mental health now.  It wasn't something we talked about when I was a child but we're open now.  If I ask parents or siblings what meds they might be on or what diagnosis they have received they'll tell me.  Even if it's not a PD I'm sure there are contributing factors.  I'm not beating myself up as much as the first few days.  One thing I've found very helpful is something George Carlin said in one of his books.  I'm paraphrasing but he talked about how verbally/emotionally abusive his mother was.  I think his mother's name was Mary?  Whenever he found himself in a negative thought spiral, being self critical to the point of destructive he would say something along the lines of "Thank you for your opinion Mary.  Please shut up.  You can go away now."  I've been mentally telling this individual to shut up and go away when I find myself being overly self critical or indulging in a series of what ifs.  It's good temporary relief while I work on the long term stuff.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hello and welcome!

Glad you found this place. I just recently revisited an interview with George Carlin and was reminded of how much he understood about the human condition. Thanks for what you shared about his take on the inner voice (of his mother). That is good stuff!

Welcome to the forum! I hope you find it to be a good place to share and engage.

Trees

[hhaw]

FOTR:

Welcome and....
you're asking the right questions: )

Figuring out why you're attracted to chaotic relationships likely ties into childhood trauma and scripts installed by your FOO, family of origin.

The good news is, you can  process the trauma and figure out what YOU want more of and get it, ime.

I invite you to accept everything you can't change.

Release expectation.

Drop ALL judgment in favor of being very curious instead.

The final starting piece is to extend tsunamis of self compassion towards yourself and get back to it if you falter.  Everyone does.  It's ok.

Treating yourself as you would a small child will feel alien, at first, but is easier with practice.

Again, welcomeFOTR.