The one thing I remember whenever I'm doubting myself

[Happypants]

Sometimes when I dig deep into the dynamics of my relationship with my parents, I reach a sudden breathtaking conclusion that blows all doubts out of the water.  The complete and utterly obvious enjoyment that my mother gets from me looking and/or feeling bad as a result of their behaviour.  My father - the supply gained from offloading any anger, resentment, vulnerability or feeling of perceived loss of control/power onto me.

My relationship and contact with my GC brother and his family has dwindled over the years due mainly to my parents involvement in our relationship, either through triangulation or smearing.  But also more recently (over the past ten years) in part to him clearly having taken on some of their beliefs - nothing too bad or overt, but he switches between treating me as SG ("lesser than") and genuinely wanting to meet up.  Either way, there's the confusion and unpredictability in how things will go when we meet with or without my parents, and I know where that leads for me on a mental health level.  Despite role-switching, enmeshment and an extremely hierarchical/patriarchal family system while growing up, I often wonder how much of my parents treatment of me is due to me, in adulthood, having low contact with GC brother, wife and nephews.  I oscillate between feeling sadness and guilt at the situation as well as empathy for my parents if they genuinely think that I just don't care about GC and nephews.  Then I switch to suspecting that it's yet another "reason" (read "excuse") to keep me in my SG role, more ammunition.  This manifests as "happypants is jealous of nephews", "happypants isn't a parent so her time doesn't matter", "happypants followed her own path which is insulting to us/we don't understand her".

Either way, I need to protect myself by keeping contact low with all of them.  Where my brother and his family are concerned, that makes me sad, but it's been proven to be necessary in order to keep at least some contact there.  Despite all the confusion and heartache of ruminating over all this i.e is it me? /should I see them more often?/will my parents treat me better if I'm in more contact with GC?, it all comes back to how they, my parents, react to any drama - they gain from it!!  There's no sadness, confusion, or attempt to understand or discuss my distance from GC and family.  There's only contempt, passive aggression, a sneer, a grin or a sudden improvement in mood when something bad happens, a misunderstanding, or when things have been engineered to make me look bad. 

Just had to get that down in black and white.  Hopefully I'll remember this the next time I'm torturing myself 

[bloomie]

Oh, Happypants! It breaks my heart to think you torture yourself over this. There truly are questions without answers.

I have often considered what would my relationships with my siblings be like if my parents had created an atmosphere that invited unity, harmony, loyalty, and above all love of one another. Where they, as the grown adults, cultivated a healthy familial bond that was reliable and trust worthy.

In my own case, we (myself and siblings) existed to sustain my parents. There was active sabotaging of any budding closeness or bonding between us as siblings. Because the family system was always and forever about and for them. Drama bound, divisive, harsh and judgmental of each of us. Blatant favoritism and ongoing smear campaigns if any one of us stepped out on their own and lived differently than they did. When my parents died it became very clear that there was such a longstanding distrust, and even unacknowledged resentments between us as a result of all of that. It has been hard to come back from it.

It is similar in my in law family as well. There is the GC and there is the SG. There is a great deal of hatred toward my H who is not able to have a connected relationship with his sibling who has behaved with great rivalry and harm toward our family. For my H to have the gall to pull away... well, that was not 'the plan' for how in laws expected their family to look. He was supposed to comply and absorb the ill treatment and engage in the senseless drama forever. Because drama is the life blood of the in law family.

At the core, in both families has been the belief that the 'family' belongs to certain people or one person. I don't know any way to shake that belief loose and for me, and it seems for you, the only way to mitigate the damage and abuse that comes from not buying into that paradigm is distance.

It is sad because often we can see a potential parallel life running alongside our current reality. We can imagine a relationship with siblings and parents that is an encouragement and joy a reasonable amount of the time - as families are intended to be.

I am glad you shared and got this down in black and white! Sending you strength and peace in the coming days!

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi Happypants,

Good on you for putting this in black and white.

So the first few years after I went NC, I doubted myself too at times. And your post reminded me that once I figured out this strategy - it helped me to question myself less often. I would remind myself of one dealbreaker that provided my brain with the 'evidence' that would help me through the awful grieving for the FOO I never had. I would remind myself, that this is indeed how that parent behaved, and even though no one believed me, it was true - this parent was deeply disordered, and was abusive towards me. Reminding myself of that helped me a lot back then.

I just posted in the 'other media resources' area about a therapist who posts videos and shorts on social media. I am enjoying his stuff lately. His name is Patrick Teahan. His focus is on exactly what you describe - the family system and how to navigate it. He had a short recently about 'half-safe' people. People who do some things 'right' and a lot of things wrong, and how confusing that is for us when we're trying to figure out where we belong in our FOO. You might find his videos helpful as it seems to fit with your situation.

I am sorry that you are going through this. It sounds like grief work, which I think is necessary but emotionally wrought part of healing. Glad you found this forum.

Trees

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Happypants, I feel similar. I sort of think this might reflect a healthy ability to detach from a desired outcome and be willing to consider all input before making a decision. I feel like this is usually a very balanced way to look at things, but it might not always apply if in dysfunctional environments.         
   
I do find clarity and grounding when I think of some of the things you mentioned. You stated wondering "will my parents treat me better if I'm in more contact with GC?,". I have wondered that also, but firmly believe that a parent ideally is able to have consistency in their love for a child regardless of that child's relationship with a sibling. They ideally love us for who we are, not what we are to the GC. 

You also mention "There's no sadness, confusion, or attempt to understand or discuss my distance from GC and family. There's only contempt, passive aggression, a sneer, a grin or a sudden improvement in mood when something bad happens, a misunderstanding, or when things have been engineered to make me look bad." Yep, I think I get that too. There is no sign that anyone recognizes that to instill such distance from family it just might be based on something foundational in the relationship - not just one disagreement or grudge. I also feel like this puts the entire responsibility on us to make it right, which actually sort of makes me circle around to the beginning where I know I just can't jump back into that.     

[Jolie40]

But also more recently (over the past ten years) in part to him clearly having taken on some of their beliefs - nothing too bad or overt, but he switches between treating me as SG ("lesser than") and genuinely wanting to meet up. 

Hi Happypants,

Sadly this does seem to happen where a sibling copies parents & treats us as SG, also.

I remember one year, FOO called a family meeting about Christmas giving. We couldn't attend as our child had a recital. A few days later, GC called me & blamed me for the changes that took place at meeting! How was that my fault when I wasn't even there, lol?!

All I can say is that it's ridiculous for family to treat us as SG. Why can't they treat us as who we are, regular people?

[Greenvalley]

I just posted in the 'other media resources' area about a therapist who posts videos and shorts on social media. I am enjoying his stuff lately. His name is Patrick Teahan. His focus is on exactly what you describe - the family system and how to navigate it.

Great resource, thanks for sharing. For someone who grew up in a narcissistic household I really value resources like this that focus specifically on the family system and the challenges that children growing up in such families face.

[Happypants]

Thanks so much!  It seems that life can get better, my thinking becoming less and less tied up in rumination about them.  But validation from worthwhile sources (myself and you  ) is going to be a lifelong requirement and I can now accept that.

Bloomie - I'm so sorry you've experienced that conflict from early on, I believe that would add an extra layer of pain that I can't imagine.  Our roles switched when young, but looking back, I think I often played the clown to my brothers quieter, shy disposition, but we got on well as kids.  Into teens, I began to have my own opinions and that created issues with my parents.  My brother, very much his own person, followed in my fathers footsteps career-wise which would set the foundations for his GC position and my ostracism.  "Family belongs to certain people or one person" - this definitely rings true x

Trees - Thank you.  You're so right.  For me, it's almost becoming comical in my head - find a hundred reasons to doubt myself, go looking for examples within other relationships in the past that might (tenuously) link up all the reasons that I'm the crap human being, then.....wait a minute....remembers one of the major unexplainable wtf moments, then another, then another, then their enjoyment...then I remember that I've never gained enjoyment from conflict There's something about the ability to block out some of the more hurtful experiences that really doesn't serve us well    Thanks for the Patrick Teahan recommendation, his videos really resonate x

Blueberry Pancakes - Thanks for your reply! "firmly believe that a parent ideally is able to have consistency in their love for a child regardless of that child's relationship with a sibling. They ideally love us for who we are, not what we are to the GC" - sums it up in my opinion, but sad that we can go for so many years "forgetting" that this is our right as their children.  There's a lot of comparison between us although the overriding message is that I'd never compare to him  all very confusing.  I'm glad you've found the clarity to not be pulled back into the fray x

Jolie40 - Thanks.  I'm sorry you also experience that crazy-making, irrational approach to casting blame.  We, my OH and I, are always expected to work around GC and his family, which I don't mind to a degree because they have kids so trying to manage time is more difficult for them in some ways.  But, one xmas a few years ago, the pre-arranged time to meet at my parents was changed to an earlier time to suit GC and family (the kids were young so an early dinner suited better).  We agreed, left home to get over for approx 20 minutes even earlier than arranged.  Father phoned - "Where are you? Everyone's here!!" angrily.  Apparently, my psychic powers hadn't informed me that they had turned up even earlier (they're usually a lot later than arranged!!).  I'm getting to the stage where I can look back on these situations and laugh rather than feel hurt or angry.   Either way, those situations strengthen my resolve, when I remember them