Struggling with limerence (romantic relationships)

[mary_poppins]

Hi all. Haven't been here in a while but am glad to be back. Has anyone hear heard of limerence? It's an addiction to being in a fantasy relationship with a crush or a man who is either not reciprocating your feelings or is abusive/unavailable. People with limerence are addicted to their feelings being reciprocated by this crush and spend hours thinking of the perfect relationship they'd have with this crush, if only they had a real relationship.
Limerence is caused by abusive childhoods.

I can say my brain is hooked on feelings of limerence they're no only directed towards my male crush but toward my narcissistic brother as well (dreaming of one day having a healthy relationship with him, even though I know this will never happen).

So, my limerence started when I moved to this foreign country and fell in love with this guy who is an artist (well, it started before that but the move was a pivotal moment for my limerent feelings). Of course, I pursued him and he was unresponsive-but, in the same time, he acted as if he was interested. He'd give me mixed messages for years in a row, never ever rejected me so I could have my peace and move on.

Anyway, since he was unavailable and aloof, I had other relationships in that country but was still hooked on this artist (was on his social media constantly). I left the country and, the only thing he said was that he liked me. But that was it. No intention from him to hang out.

I unfollowed him on social media and minded my own business. However, now that he started putting new music on his social media profile (in November last year), I started following him again. And the obsession continued.
In my defense , the obsession was like a coping mechanism for living with my unstable, PD mother. Whenever I'd engage with his social media profiles and dive into his world, the pain of having a mother like mine would instantly vanish.

Psychologists say that limerent obsessions come when your life is in bad shape and you need to escape reality into a safe, fantasy land. That's true, I did try to escape it and it felt good. But, I'm not living with PD mom anymore, yet the obsession is still there. It hurts a lot because instead of focusing my energy on healing my c-PTSD and learning how to be in real, loving relationships, I am busy trying to fuel my fantasy with this artist guy.

Oh and this guy loves to have all the attention on him, to make people fantasize about him and have this power over others..This sounds really sick.

Question is: from what I've told you about this guy, would you think he has narcissistic traits? The love for drama and attention, the love for keeping me hooked to him without anything sustainable (a real relationship), his obsession with his looks (he doesn't eat much to stay skinny) and him not flat out rejecting me so that I'd keep wondering if he'll ever be interested in me enough to have a down to earth relationship-all this point out towards him being a narcissist or having narcissistic traits. Is my intuition right?

Would love to hear your opinion on it. Also, I'll get a therapist to talk more about my problems with limerence. As I said, limerence extends to also my family members and it's really painful. Knowing that I can't change someone I love and need to let them go for good is heartbreaking to say the least.

Thanks for reading.

[moglow]

... this guy who is an artist ...this guy loves to have all the attention on him, to make people fantasize about him and have this power over others

This is what I gleaned from what you shared: He's an artist who's likely posting to promote his music and/or other art. That's what he does, how he gains a following. It's very common. Does that mean he's a narcissist or has narcissistic traits? Maybe, maybe not. Maybe he's simply doing what artists do to engage and retain his audience. Does he "love [for] keeping me hooked to him without anything sustainable" or is he playing along with a follower to keep their interest? More to the point, have you met and/or dated, anything to indicate he's interested in any relationship?

I'd venture a guess we all have fantasies about our relationships [whether romantic or otherwise], what we'd change, conversations we'd like to have etc. Being bored, lonely, hurt etc tend to make me ruminate on those "conversations" even more. That doesn't mean they - or I - am any more likely to be narcissistic or anything else.

[JustKeepTrying]

Mary - I do not feel qualified to speak to whether or not he is narcissistic.  What I can do is share a YouTube video by dating expert Matthew Hussey  - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z4doTLY5qPw I find that he is direct and his main question is - how does this person make you feel?  I sense that you are not feeling safe, secure and validated in this relationship.  So ask yourself, is it working for you?  If not, then move on.  If it does give you something, besides limerence, then acknowledge it and see if you can replace it with something else; shift that need to someone else or just do something else.

I appreciate your self knowledge and courage to investigate this limerence.  I know that I have, and am currently now, moved a relationship in my mind further along than the reality.  This time, with this very new relationship, I am talking to my girlfriends; journaling like crazy and meditating on it so that I can be objective; open to my feelings.  Yup, I think you need both to be the best informed.

Good luck to you!

[mary_poppins]

@JustKeepTrying-thank you so much for that link. It's freaky how Lisa's story matches mine to a point. Need to watch it and re-watch cause it has valuable pieces of wisdom.

[pianissimo]

I get limerent when my inner child is triggered.

It seems like you are partially aware of your trigger:

the obsession was like a coping mechanism for living with my unstable, PD mother

But ,before that, it seems like there was another trigger:

So, my limerence started when I moved to this foreign country

Moving to a foreign country would definitely trigger my inner child. Even if I was in the best place in the world, there would be times I would feel lost, which would be too much for the inner child.

You are saying you are not living with your mother anymore, but does that mean you are feeling better?

For me, holding on to reality and, validating the inner child's pain, longing and fantasy helps with regulating my emotions. I take limerence as a sign that whatever going on in my life is too much for the inner child, she can't take it, she needs a break, and she's coping with that with the only way she knows, by looking for a parent figure.

Also, I dread getting limerent. I experience it as a dysregulated emotional state. It's a kind of dark hole that makes me forget that I'm actually equipped to deal with life. Perhaps it's an emotional flashback. Even writing about it makes me feel shudder.

I hope you feel better soon.