Going through with my divorce filing a little over a year later.

[seafarer]

In September 2021 I filed for divorce after only a few months of marriage after coming to realize my wife suffered with a PD.  I was within 10 days of the divorce being final when my wife reached out and I made the mistake of letting her back into my life.  Frankly, I missed the good days and the passion that I had with her.  So, I asked the attorney to put the divorce on hold.  My wife lived in a different town for about 6 months due to work commitment and I had a new work commitment  during our wait period for divorce.  We were together weekends and talked or texted for hours daily.  This summer she moved into my home and things went well most of the time with intermittent explosions of emotion due to her need to separate me from my family and friends.  I was addicted to the good times which were really good but the bad times kept getting more frequent when she would accuse me of having affairs, wanting to be with my kids, or not loving her as much as I loved my deceased wife of over 40 years. A little over a week ago her accusations became more than I could handle and I went to see my attorney to see if I could proceed with my divorce filing which had been put on hold. The assistant to the attorney saw me and asked if I was coming in to proceed with the divorce and I said yes.  She immediately called my attorney who was at the courthouse as my filing was about to be dismissed in an hour and a half.  She got the motion in just in time to proceed.  Now thing are a bit more complicated but still doable.

As for my wife, when I told her that I was going to pursue the divorce she really went berserk.  She belittled me for hours accusing me of having another woman and wanting younger women. I wanted to leave but physically could not even get in the car without her getting in with me.  I suffered through a full night of accusations and she did not go to work the last couple of days at first to harass me.  The next morning she accused of stealing her credit cards and leaving her without an money. (Actually she had hid them.) My attorney advised me not to leave my home although the home is property that I owned before my marriage.  The attorney said a judge might allow her to stay there until the divorce is final and that my wife could possibly drag out the proceeding for months.

Things have calmed a bit and she is looking for her own place.  She even wanted to snuggle and go to bed with me last night but I refused and told her that I did not want to give her any false hope of reconciliation.  She is out looking for a place of her own this morning. If she could only stay the person she is right now, we would have made it. I have to remind myself how bad things get from time to time and the toll that has taken on my physical, mental and financial health.

I am hoping our divorce can be made final in the next 30 days.  I will update as I know more.

[SonofThunder]

Hi seafarer,

Im sorry to read that your marital experience with your wife has once again become unbearable and I hope that you are able to reach your divorce goals in a suitable time frame. 

If you are not familiar with the PD repeating cycle of Idealization, Devaluation and Discard, you may want to familiarize yourself, as an added tool in your knowledge database.  Additionally, continuing to study the Toolbox tab above and applying what you learn, may assist you greatly.   

Below is a link to Dr Ramani's video on the IDD cycle. 
https://youtu.be/Oik4IsgQ4uk

Below is a link to Dr Ramani's series on the Glossary of Narcissistic Relationships.
https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PL3QtnfcMTMhEfRXN-Kk2vndn89nBZxKUj

Both of these links, plus the toolbox teaching may be of good value to you in the period ahead and beyond.  Best wishes for peace in your life.

SoT

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Wow, Seafarer, it's wild how the timing worked out for saving the filing!  I'm glad it did ... and so sorry for your torturous roller coaster ride with this marriage.  You are telling my story.

My PDex was full-blown, diagnosed.  But when he was in his Dr. Jekyll phase, I adored him and our relationship.  I think it was probably the BPD part rather than the NPD part that brought that deep passion and openness and intense sharing.  But Hyde would always take over eventually, triggered by the most unimaginable, unpredictable things, and I couldn't keep ignoring the huge price I paid while waiting for Dr. Jekyll to return.  Plus over time, it was Hyde that was becoming more predominant, and more abusive.

You said "If she could only stay the person she is right now, we would have made it. I have to remind myself how bad things get from time to time and the toll that has taken."  That "if only" kept me hanging in there for a long time.  I could not believe it wasn't possible to work this out, especially since he was willing to go to therapy.  But that never lasted long before the distorted thinking made him "realize" that "No, I don't have a problem. It's Free and the T and the rest of the world that does. I don't need T!"  I finally started keeping a list of the awful stuff to give me a reality check when I'd go into euphoric recall and have trouble remembering why I needed to leave.

Giving up on him and "us" was incredibly hard.  I'm sometimes surprised I was able to accomplish it.  But we've been NC 3 yrs now, so it can be done.  Just reading what others posted here has been helpful over that time.  And occasional posting and getting feedback has been too.  I hope you share with us again and let us know how you're doing!

[seafarer]

Thank you for the replies.  It helps to post about experiences and to receive feedback from others.  The videos are helpful.

I had my first good nights sleep last night in sometime.  I think I was just exhausted.  This morning my stbx started crying because she could not figure out how to download documents she needed to apply for apartments.  This is actually a recurring theme in our relationship in order to get me to do things for her that she should do herself.  While I almost decided to help her, I instead just left the house to get away from the situation and let her figure things out for herself.

I really can't go NC right now but I am gray rocking.  I resist and to the extent possible avoid her attempts to "hoover" me back. I am wondering if anyone has any suggestions on how to live in the same house with a stbx while you wait for the divorce process to play out.

I have shutdown my FB account and I am trying to rebuild my relationships with my own children who I had pushed away due my PDW.  Anyone else deal with this?

[hhaw]

Nice save on the original divorce Petition, seafarers.

Saves yourself some time and trouble.  Hopefully, you'll remember all these recent lessons and guide steer your attorney and directives accordingly.

Typically more contact with the stbx......the more difficulty resisting their manipulations, ime.

Stbx manipulations generally tie into our belief we can control them, their reactions and chaos manufacture, which isn't in any small way true, ime.

Typically any contact or attempt to placate the stbx IS the VERY thing leading to chaos, confusion and extended trauma, time and expense when in divorce with a PD.

I see it this way......we're really nice people with aversion to conflict.

When/if the PDs promise to give us a peaceful/quick/easy divorce it's always in exchange for something "reasonable" they know we'll do.  And WE DO IT to our detriment, bc the PD points to it or strengthens their case andvweakebs ours....,,we help them add time, trouble and trauma when we fail to limit contact and get on with the process.

I suggest accepting you'll likely end up going to trial and lean into it, while pretending a settlement can be reached.

In the meantime, write up an overtly fair settlement, give it to your attorney and tell them your bottom line items you MUST have....,
then turn towards your children and repairing those relationships as priority.

I'm sure many here will have good ideas.

I'm glad you're settled on your decision.....to accept your wife won't ever be who you thought you married, bc she's broken and can't.  If she could, she would have.

Good luck

[seafarer]

hhaw, a timely post.  I want to break all contact asap.  Even though I saved the original filing, just by luck, in some ways I have to start over.  I hope to come up with a proposal that will be fair and expedite the process.  My stbx wants to buy her own home but found out she can"t until our divorce is final.  I am hoping this will make her more open to agreeing on terms.  Whether that happens or not, I am totally committed to following through. 

As I look back on everything, I am reminded of the line in Top Gun Maverick.  "Don't think, just do."  That didn't work out so well for me.

[escapingman]

My stbx wants to buy her own home but found out she can"t until our divorce is final.  I am hoping this will make her more open to agreeing on terms. 

My STBX lives with her mum at the moment and can't move until the divorce is finalised, I am still living in our joint property. She keeps complaining through the solicitor that she needs the money so she can move, but she is in no hurry to agree a settlement and keep dragging it on. Be prepared your STBX might and very likely will do the same, they want the drama and when the divorce is finalised there are lot less drama to create.

[SonofThunder]

My stbx wants to buy her own home but found out she can"t until our divorce is final.  I am hoping this will make her more open to agreeing on terms. 

Be prepared your STBX might and very likely will do the same, they want the drama and when the divorce is finalised there are lot less drama to create.

+1

SoT

[seafarer]

In September 2021 I filed for divorce after only a few months of marriage after coming to realize my wife suffered with a PD.  I was within 10 days of the divorce being final when my wife reached out and I made the mistake of letting her back into my life.  Frankly, I missed the good days and the passion that I had with her.  So, I asked the attorney to put the divorce on hold.  My wife lived in a different town for about 6 months due to work commitment and I had a new work commitment  during our wait period for divorce.  We were together weekends and talked or texted for hours daily.  This summer she moved into my home and things went well most of the time with intermittent explosions of emotion due to her need to separate me from my family and friends.  I was addicted to the good times which were really good but the bad times kept getting more frequent when she would accuse me of having affairs, wanting to be with my kids, or not loving her as much as I loved my deceased wife of over 40 years. A little over a week ago her accusations became more than I could handle and I went to see my attorney to see if I could proceed with my divorce filing which had been put on hold. The assistant to the attorney saw me and asked if I was coming in to proceed with the divorce and I said yes.  She immediately called my attorney who was at the courthouse as my filing was about to be dismissed in an hour and a half.  She got the motion in just in time to proceed.  Now thing are a bit more complicated but still doable.

As for my wife, when I told her that I was going to pursue the divorce she really went berserk.  She belittled me for hours accusing me of having another woman and wanting younger women. I wanted to leave but physically could not even get in the car without her getting in with me.  I suffered through a full night of accusations and she did not go to work the last couple of days at first to harass me.  The next morning she accused of stealing her credit cards and leaving her without an money. (Actually she had hid them.) My attorney advised me not to leave my home although the home is property that I owned before my marriage.  The attorney said a judge might allow her to stay there until the divorce is final and that my wife could possibly drag out the proceeding for months.

Things have calmed a bit and she is looking for her own place.  She even wanted to snuggle and go to bed with me last night but I refused and told her that I did not want to give her any false hope of reconciliation.  She is out looking for a place of her own this morning. If she could only stay the person she is right now, we would have made it. I have to remind myself how bad things get from time to time and the toll that has taken on my physical, mental and financial health.

I am hoping our divorce can be made final in the next 30 days.  I will update as I know more.

The last 30 days have been an emotional rollercoaster.  The Hoovering, rages, and many accusations have been relentless and damaging.  My PDW moved out last weekend  after I left for the weekend to spend time with my family.   Of course all the time she kept accusing me of having an affair. 

Today she signed the divorce agreement and my attorney told me the divorce will be final either today or tomorrow when the judge signs the decree.  The relief I feel is palatable.  There is also a sense of sadness.  I have discovered that you can love someone and yet can't live with them.  The 51% rule is critical.  Now on to dealing with the loneliness and reclaiming my life.

[hhaw]

I hope you find joy and serenity going forward, seafarer.

Breathe the free air.  Remember what you've learned. 

You won't stop making mistakes, but I'm hoping you'll make new ones.

Good luck

[SonofThunder]

I hope you find joy and serenity going forward, seafarer.

Breathe the free air.  Remember what you've learned. 

You won't stop making mistakes, but I'm hoping you'll make new ones.

Good luck

+1

SoT