Dealing with Manipulative Texts from uNPD Parents

[TheStruggleIsReal]

Hello,

Recently, I detailed some of my family struggles in another post (https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=92816.0). I won't rehash all of that discussion, but just to sum up with the fact that my parents exhibit lots of narcissistic traits, likely uNPD in one or both. Since I've pretty much gone NC with my parents over the past five months, my eyes have been awakened to the fact that my mom likely has NPD.

My wife and I recently began therapy, and our therapist confirmed that going NC is best for us right now. She says that there needs to be acknowledgment on their end of the hurt they have caused & demonstrate respect for the boundaries I have set with them. Otherwise, they aren't safe for us to be around.

Well, during that time, I had received a few random texts from my uNPD mother pretending like nothing had happened between us. In case my original boundaries weren't clear, I sent her a detailed text reminding her once again of their need to respect our boundaries & what those boundaries entail. I heard no response through Christmas and for over a month.

Well, she decided to text me last night, telling me she finally read my text from December to my Dad. There was nothing else. No emotion, no "I'm sorry", no discussion of my boundaries. It was like she was writing about the weather. Then, she went on to state how sad my grandmother was the she didn't see or hear from me during Christmas for the first time ever. My Mom said "that should tug at your heart."

Any thoughts on whether to respond or what to say? I recognize the manipulation here. They have both attempted manipulation in other messages. It's their go-to when things aren't going their way.

I've studied up on narcissistic personality disorder, and I have gained a lot of knowledge on the subject. Yet, it's still difficult when your own parents show more concern about everyone else's feelings. Even though I wrote that my wife & I were close to separation last year, not once have they ever been concerned with our marriage, my mental health, or my wife's.

They are more upset that we are making the family look bad and that we didn't participate in the annual Christmas traditions that make them happy. Based upon the last few months, I truly don't think either of my parents is capable of accepting or apologizing for the wounds they have caused. Recently, I have recognized my position as the "scapegoat" in my family of origin. It's so weird to be here, as I feel like my eyes have finally been opened to reality. I was living in an alternate reality my whole life.

[bloomie]

TheStruggleIsReal - This is hard stuff you and your wife are facing. So many factors and complicated layers and emotions around making a decision to step back after wise counsel from your T. I am really sorry this is where the relationships have come.

Something my own T said to me continues to help me think things through like should I respond to what seems to be a very highly emotionally manipulative text.... "Say what you need to say, ONE TIME." There's no need to repeat ourselves over and again or Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain (see JADE in glossary).

You said what you needed to say to your parents. They know the toll this has taken on you and your DW's emotional well being and marriage. They know the boundaries you have laid out. Your mother is ignoring them, but you are not. You are living them.

So, given whatever the boundaries are that you and your wife and T decided are best for now, stay consistent with those is my best thoughts.

When it comes to communication with those we are finding we have a need to move to a different level of contact with, I believe it is most kind and most loving to be consistent in our messages to/with them. Even our nonverbal messages. So, if you have said you will be stepping away, then answering a text could possibly be a mixed message.

Maybe one of the biggest  hurdles at this point is getting comfortable with being uncomfortable. We were never meant to have familial relationships that are this messed up. And yet, here we are! And it takes time to really adjust to new ways of disengaging from unhealthy patterns within our family systems.

I am really glad you are here. Please keep sharing and coming back and let us know how things are going!

[Cat of the Canals]

You said what you needed to say to your parents.

This. Any response you give them now would likely be "feeding the trolls," as they say. Your mom is pressing various buttons right now, trying to see which one (if any) gets a reaction. And if this button doesn't work, she'll try something else down the line. The best thing you can do is stay consistent by giving no response.

Have you read Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents? If not, I highly recommend it.

[moglow]

Something my own T said to me continues to help me think things through like should I respond to what seems to be a very highly emotionally manipulative text.... "Say what you need to say, ONE TIME." There's no need to repeat ourselves over and again or Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain (see JADE in glossary).

You said what you needed to say to your parents. They know the toll this has taken on you and your DW's emotional well being and marriage. They know the boundaries you have laid out. Your mother is ignoring them, but you are not. You are living them.

So, given whatever the boundaries are that you and your wife and T decided are best for now, stay consistent with those is my best thoughts.

This right here - you continue to live your boundaries. No one else is responsible for respecting them but you. Remind yourself that her playing flying monkey/go between for grandma isn't your stuff. Not knowing what [if any] relationship you have with grandma at this point, presumably if grandma wanted to talk with you or you with her, she would have already. You - and your wife btw - aren't there to appease everyone and continue on being the doormats I'm guessing you've always been. Also guessing, your mother sent that goading message to pick a fight and force some kind of response from you. To what purpose, really - Has she acknowledged any damage done, admitted any wrongdoing or lack of care, even attempted an apology of any kind? I'm guessing not or her message would have landed differently. Also guessing your message was abundantly clear what needed to happen for there to be any relationship going forward.

I hate sounding like hard-hearted hannah, but thems the facts. Your parents choosing to ignore your facts and clearly stated wishes don't change anything. They just want life to return to their status quo and for y'all to be complacent and suck it up as before. Well, sorry. There's not one thing you can say or do that will make this all right for them, short of full on capitulation and disregarding your own mental health and well being.

Breathe, friend. Keep on breathing that fresh free air you have all around you, with no demands or expectations other than you enjoy it. Smile while you do it, just because you can.

[Srcyu]

TheStruggleIsReal,
Really and absolutely do not respond. No good will come of it.
She is blaming and goading.
Let that one go.

[Sneezy]

They are more upset that we are making the family look bad and that we didn't participate in the annual Christmas traditions that make them happy.

Your parents are more concerned about how the situations looks to others.  They are curating their lives so that it looks like they have a cozy, perfect family life.  But it's all surface-level.  Unfortunately, it's not very likely that they will ever dig deeper and try to understand and repair the relationship with you and your wife. 

As far as your grandmother, remember that the phone works both ways.  Your grandmother could have called to wish you a Merry Christmas if she wanted to.  And, if you want to, you can choose to have a relationship with your grandmother that does not include your parents.  Everyone is an adult - you all get to choose what you do and who you have a relationship with and what the terms of that relationship are.

[lkdrymom]

Do not respond.  She got the message.  She is just trying to push back your boundary and by responding to this, she will have succeeded in breaking your boundary.  Just let it go.  If she texts again, wait two full weeks before you even read it.

[Cat of the Canals]

Thought about this some more and wanted to add: it might help your NC journey to block your mom's number for the time being. It doesn't have to be permanent, but I think one of the best things people often get from even temporary NC is the peace you feel when they simply don't have the ability to push the aforementioned buttons.

[TheStruggleIsReal]

TheStruggleIsReal - This is hard stuff you and your wife are facing. So many factors and complicated layers and emotions around making a decision to step back after wise counsel from your T. I am really sorry this is where the relationships have come.

Something my own T said to me continues to help me think things through like should I respond to what seems to be a very highly emotionally manipulative text.... "Say what you need to say, ONE TIME." There's no need to repeat ourselves over and again or Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain (see JADE in glossary).

You said what you needed to say to your parents. They know the toll this has taken on you and your DW's emotional well being and marriage. They know the boundaries you have laid out. Your mother is ignoring them, but you are not. You are living them.

So, given whatever the boundaries are that you and your wife and T decided are best for now, stay consistent with those is my best thoughts.

When it comes to communication with those we are finding we have a need to move to a different level of contact with, I believe it is most kind and most loving to be consistent in our messages to/with them. Even our nonverbal messages. So, if you have said you will be stepping away, then answering a text could possibly be a mixed message.

Maybe one of the biggest  hurdles at this point is getting comfortable with being uncomfortable. We were never meant to have familial relationships that are this messed up. And yet, here we are! And it takes time to really adjust to new ways of disengaging from unhealthy patterns within our family systems.

I am really glad you are here. Please keep sharing and coming back and let us know how things are going!

Bloomie,
Thank you for your words of wisdom, compassion, & encouragement! You have helped me see the situation with much more clarity. Even though I'm basically middle-aged, I hadn't seen my own family's unhealthy patterns until I stepped away a few months ago. Being a recovering people pleaser, my natural bent is to be concerned with everyone else's feelings first.

However, it's now apparent that I failed to put myself & my marriage first. It's clear that I was often playing peacemaker & that my uNPD mother's feelings took precedence in my FOO. I think what has stunned me the most with her is the lack of care about my feelings or my need to take a break from my FOO for my own sanity & the sake of my marriage. I just wanted to make sure I've said all the right things with clarity for her to finally see the issues (which I know I have). Yet, I'm grieving that she probably won't ever care about my feelings or apologize for the hurt she has caused me & my DW.

[TheStruggleIsReal]

You said what you needed to say to your parents.

This. Any response you give them now would likely be "feeding the trolls," as they say. Your mom is pressing various buttons right now, trying to see which one (if any) gets a reaction. And if this button doesn't work, she'll try something else down the line. The best thing you can do is stay consistent by giving no response.

Have you read Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents? If not, I highly recommend it.

Cat of the Canals,
Thank you for taking time to share your thoughts! I haven't read this book, but I will definitely add it to my list.

You're right...every text so far during our extended NC has been something to try & pull on my heartstrings & an attempt to induce guilt. I can see right through it. However, I was very tempted to ask when her heartstrings were going to be pulled regarding the pain she has caused my DW & me. I don't think that would go over too well. 

[TheStruggleIsReal]

This right here - you continue to live your boundaries. No one else is responsible for respecting them but you. Remind yourself that her playing flying monkey/go between for grandma isn't your stuff. Not knowing what [if any] relationship you have with grandma at this point, presumably if grandma wanted to talk with you or you with her, she would have already. You - and your wife btw - aren't there to appease everyone and continue on being the doormats I'm guessing you've always been. Also guessing, your mother sent that goading message to pick a fight and force some kind of response from you. To what purpose, really - Has she acknowledged any damage done, admitted any wrongdoing or lack of care, even attempted an apology of any kind? I'm guessing not or her message would have landed differently. Also guessing your message was abundantly clear what needed to happen for there to be any relationship going forward.

I hate sounding like hard-hearted hannah, but thems the facts. Your parents choosing to ignore your facts and clearly stated wishes don't change anything. They just want life to return to their status quo and for y'all to be complacent and suck it up as before. Well, sorry. There's not one thing you can say or do that will make this all right for them, short of full on capitulation and disregarding your own mental health and well being.

Breathe, friend. Keep on breathing that fresh free air you have all around you, with no demands or expectations other than you enjoy it. Smile while you do it, just because you can.

Moglow,
Thank you for providing some much-needed clarity & encouragement. You are correct...I have needed to say what needed to be said...twice actually. Both times were met with a cold-hearted response & then flipping the blame back on me for something unrelated. I clearly & unequivocally stated our boundaries. There has been no acknowledgement from my parents that they understand or will respect those boundaries. There has been admission that they have hurt us or apologized for any wounds I have brought up.

The last few months have been eye opening for me. I've pretty much always appeased them without even realizing it. I was the scapegoat & the peacemaker. Now that my eyes are opened to our dysfunctional family dynamics, there is absolutely no way things could go back to the way they were before. Sadly, my DW and I are the only ones in our family who see any of this & are pursuing healing & personal growth. Thankfully, our marriage has gotten a lot stronger as a result.

[Spring Butterfly]

Bring this boundary into your control. Asking someone not to contact you is a request. That is a rule. What action can you take to ensure NC is in your control? Block the number? Mute the convo? What will ensure your boundary defines your action you take when your simple request isn't honored.

If you've decided on NC then that means you too - no response is necessary or you're going back on your own boundary. This makes them wishy washy and confusing.

You got this and I wish you both healing during your contact hiatus.

[moglow]

I have needed to say what needed to be said...twice actually. Both times were met with a cold-hearted response & then flipping the blame back on me for something unrelated. I clearly & unequivocally stated our boundaries. There has been no acknowledgement from my parents that they understand or will respect those boundaries. There has been admission that they have hurt us or apologized for any wounds I have brought up.

Starboard Song recently mentioned Motte & Bailey rhetoric in a post in Common Behaviors [https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=93027.0] - I suspect you'll recognize that flip back to the unrelated, remotely defensible bs. She's not hearing what she wants from you so it doesn't exist.


Mommie dearest would become [even more] nasty at any indication that her behavior and treatment of me were wrong. In her mind, as the mother she had carte blanche and her behavior was unquestioned and above that acceptable for normal people, period. She's completely unapologetic or responsible for any and everything she does. You just have to deal with it. And she wonders why she has little to no relationship with her children. 

[Escaped_Goat]

This is the thing. There can be no normal communication with your mother. She is literally cut off from reality. She will carry on acting this part out where she is entirely reasonable and just wants everyone to get along. Many people haven't experienced this level of crazy making and even those of us who have still get tripped up because it is bewildering. They don't see the issue with behaving in polar opposite ways, they don't see the issue wirh claiming to be the opposite of how they are behaving and think nothing of attacking you for choosing reality. Communication with her is just shouting into a big ol' void. It's a futile and painful exercise. She wants you to feel pain for not tolerating her behaviour because you should let her say and do what the hell she wants. Nah, things are different now, you don't get pulled into her horror theme park. You stay out.

Peace and light