What I am Learning From An Unexpected Encounter

[bloomie]

This past holiday season brought me unexpectedly face to face with a family member and her now adult children who had discarded me about 12 years ago. This is a woman (I will call her Anne) who I have known and loved since she was a very young teenager, at a young age married my oh, so broken brother.

Many years and several children in, these relationships abruptly ended and any contact with my nephews and nieces cut off when my brother, after years of high conflict behavior and years of addiction and spiraling, acted out violently toward a family member of mine (again) and finally had to face the serious consequences. 

I have grieved hard and long for the loss of relationships with the kids especially, but with Anne as well. Of course, like abused women married to violent and unstable men do, for a bit Anne turned her wrath upon me and my family.

From her perspective, from the little she did say to me at the time, we caused the trouble her family was facing. We destroyed their lives. My eldest niece wrote me one of the most painful letters I have ever received. I was 100% to blame for her father's problems and the trouble their family was facing and was responsible even for my dear niece turning away from God. Because of what was deemed as hypocrisy in my life for no longer allowing my brother to abuse and use us.

Since then, radio silence. In the years after the end of the relationships, Anne has wisely divorced my brother and seems to have built a good life for herself and my nieces and nephews. Children are all grown now.

So, here I am face to face with Anne and two of her adult children in a spiritual community environment where I feel very safe. Anne had no way of knowing I was part of this community. This truly was unexpected for both of us, as far as I know. Anne said my name, began to weep and opened her arms to me. I began to weep and opened mine to her.

Anne claims a spiritual awakening and a new life. A transformation. The niece and nephew that were with her (not the poison pen niece) were open and loving and there was not a hint of hostility and ill will. They all have decided to be a part of the spiritual community we are part of. Not because of us, but because of some ties they have to this community from long ago.

Some things I am thankful for in that first encounter. In the past, I believe I would've not been able to hold any kind of careful, watchful, appropriate level headedness due to the high emotion that flooded my nervous system.

It is hard to describe the yearning and sense of lost years that rose up when I wrapped my arms around my niece and nephew for the first time in 12 years. I might have once just opened up the floodgates of my heart and life to them all without consideration for the incredible pain of the broken relationships and cut off of the past 12 years and without sensitivity to the reality they may not want to be part of our lives as they have never made any attempt to reconnect.

Instead, in spite of the overwhelming emotions, my logical brain was talking to me, cautioning me to tread carefully, to hold back, to watch and wait while at the same time showing love and welcome. I could hear it clearly guiding me. You guys! Such a victory in this I can't even describe!

Some things I recognized. How very beaten down and damaged I have been by the discard. I honestly do not think it was possible for me to see how much damage has been done until I saw them - if that makes any sense. And it is a lot of damage.

In the midst of this and the bit I have encountered Anne since, there has not been even a moment that acknowledges the pain of the past. Just her sharing her personal, recent, spiritual journey and joy in her new life.  Anne shares pics and stories of the rest of her kids, in particular of the one niece who last I heard hates me, as if there is nothing broken there.

Recognizing this and respecting the lack of acknowledgment is a breakthrough as much as being able to hear that logical brain when caught so off guard. I can accept that what meant everything to me - the years of investment in their family, the love, the support, the effort, the bonds I had with them, did not seem to mean the same to them. They may not have even been able to absorb or receive all of that love coming their way, much less value the family that surrounded them.

I have long recognize that they were living in a kind of trauma and drama that was their norm. They were trauma bonded to a very disorder husband and father and trying to survive. And they have come out the other end. And they are well. What more could I ever want or ask for them then that? So many prayers answered for them. So much that will most likely never be recognized or reconciled.

It is a strange kind of limbo to be living in and I continue to experience (privately and for days after) a tremendous emotional overwhelm when I see them. It was as if their entire family died. The loss has been profound and life changing for me, even if it was not for others. I recognize this is draining and hard and give myself permission to step back when I need to.

I don't know where it all goes from here, if anywhere. And I am at peace with the not knowing.  Another indicator of healing and another milestone on this journey of recovery we are all on. I rest in knowing I did my part all of these years. I continued to love and support in the only way I was allowed by continuing to pray and to keep my heart soft toward them which I couldn't have done without God's help.

If you made it through all of this... thank you! I am so grateful to and for this community that has held me up for almost 10 years now through healing from this and other heartbreaks and broken relationships.

[square]

Thank you for sharing this. I am happy to hear of the good part of this partial reconciliation.

That there is an unaddressed and significant wound must be very difficult. I think it must stand in the way of true emotional connection, leaving only a surface relationship possible.

There is no trust based on understanding, no resolution of unacknowledged pain. So you cannot be honest, nor vulnerable, nor truly yourself.

So now you have a choice. To accept the superficial reunion as it is, finding strength in yourself to accept what they are willing to give you and not ask more. Or you can take the risk and broach the subject, quietly and kindly, just you and Anne.

I think either choice is acceptable.

[Starboard Song]

Instead, in spite of the overwhelming emotions, my logical brain was talking to me, cautioning me to tread carefully, to hold back, to watch and wait while at the same time showing love and welcome. I could hear it clearly guiding me. You guys! Such a victory in this I can't even describe!

Well that was just beautiful. And there may be some rough spots that need sandpapering ahead. But that is such a wonderful overture and acknowledgement. I hope it stays so beautiful, and that you manage to stay self-aware without toxic vigilance. Such a victory!

[Jolie40]

Anne said my name, began to weep and opened her arms to me. I began to weep and opened mine to her.

It is hard to describe the yearning and sense of lost years that rose up when I wrapped my arms around my niece and nephew for the first time in 12 years.

wow, how powerful and beautiful

[Srcyu]

Yes that is good isn't it, this spiritual journey of hers. The awakening that  has caused her to forgive and forget, maybe.
Your logical brain is very wise and working hard to protect you. It's the minimising from her that bothers me.

But you are 12 years wiser now, perhaps more so than her. As new starts go, it's a pretty good one.

[SonofThunder]

Thank you for sharing Bloomie.  A beautiful story. 😊 Hopefully you may have your traumatic past acknowledged as well. 

SoT

[xredshoesx]

i understand.

my half sisters and i will need to sit down and have that come to the truth moment eventually about our father.  it's like we all know about the addiction but no one acknowledges it, or the reason we never laid eyes on one another until i was 21 and they were 11 and 10.

part of me also knows we may never have the conversation on the level that i need it to happen to have what was done to me by our father's inactions validated. 

sending love. 

[Call Me Cordelia]

Wow, Bloomie. Lots to unpack here. You have behaved so beautifully, having such a good balance of grace and openness while still having a wait and see approach and having such wonderful awareness of your own feelings and being able to be deliberate in your responses. The empathy you have for her while feeling hurt yourself is beautiful.

"They may not have even been able to absorb or receive all of that love coming their way, much less value the family that surrounded them."

I think this is truth. You know yourself that being in an active abuse situation the goal is to make it through. Genuine love? What's that? Family surrounding me? I've gotta escape! I've written a bit about how I was unable to really be a sister to my own sisters, even as children, because our relationship was so hijacked by all our parents' drama. It would be a tough reset if either of them ever likewise left the family system and we were to attempt to start over.

And you are the abuser's sister, so possibly someone that Anne never thought to see again. Maybe in your family system you were expected to be on his "side." It was a tough on the spot position to be in for both of you. That both of you instinctively offered grace to the other certainly is a beautiful thing.

I agree with Square's comments. I'm not sure how long it has been since your dramatic reunion. Surely you are wise to simply sit with these feelings for a time. Possibly Anne is doing the same. It does seem odd and perhaps like a bit of posturing that she's sharing all this good stuff, pics and stuff, without really addressing what to me would feel like the elephant in the room that is your painful past together. But she is new in a community where you are well established, and may feel she has to prove herself in some way. Context would matter here. I suppose you are at church but is there another "audience" than just yourself perhaps? And clearly if there are a lot of people around it wouldn't make sense to get into it at coffee hour. But yeah, the longer things stay in limbo I'm thinking the harder it will be to dig out of it. I'm curious to see how this develops for you.

[bloomie]

Thank you so much for the support and thoughts on this. It has been about a month since the first encounter and I have seen Anne (again, pseudonym) a few times since. Always kind and warm interactions, but mostly surface. Anne did reach out to me through SM and we are connected there. I am not sure I really want anything more right now. That logical brain keeps redirecting me to caution.

I have one sibling I have always been closest to that I really respect (I will call B1)  who upon hearing that I have seen Anne and the kids has asked me to consider seeing this as a possible first step toward contacting my estranged brother (Anne's ex) and begin "putting the family back together". This sibling claims my estranged brother has finally 'grown up' and has gotten his life on track and is doing well. He also claims he spoke with my estranged brother and he is wanting to reconcile... this conversation seems to have taken place in the past year or two. 🤔

This is not a flying monkey type of person at all. B1is my dearest sibling (I have four sibs) who has been distressed by the broken relationships and has never taken sides, at least that I know of, or talked with me about this before. He has some notion of why the relationship finally fractured, but not detailed knowledge of the gravity of my estranged brother's behaviors because he lived at a distance and didn't witness the train wreck of my estranged brother's life. I don't talk about my estranged sibling with any of my other sibs. Ever. So, this is unusual and is weighing heavy on my heart.

My estranged brother has made some huge messes in his relationships and has been violent. 12 years ago stated he wants nothing to do with me and has ended the relationship. Those things together have guided my responses. I have respected his stated wishes of NC and stayed away from someone who is not safe. How could I, in good conscience breach that boundary on the word of B1 and possibly put myself at risk? And I also believe that we are each 100% responsible to clean up the messes we have made ourselves.

I guess what I am realizing is I am still living in relationship with these people from where things left off 12 years ago and I am stumbling trying to catch up. Is that unforgiveness... rigidity... a refusal to believe others can change? Pride that insists my hurt feelings are important in the greater picture of all of the tangled, complex mess my addicted and disordered brother left in his wake?

I pointed out that my estranged brother has not once contacted me to work through or change the LOC we have though though I have never blocked him and the door has never been shut by me or anyone in my family. B1 supposes it is because my estranged brother would not know if it would be accepted by me. 

Am I standing in the way of rebuilding and some kind of reconnection within my FOO? I am filled with self doubts today and really struggling. Any thoughts, insights and observations are so very welcome.  😭

[notrightinthehead]

This is so confusing. Why would B1 encourage you to contact estranged brother when estranged brother let you know he wants no further contact with you? It's up to estranged brother to contact you. Not the other way round. So B1 should lean on estranged brother and not on you.  Does he lean on you because he thinks you are the soft target?

This might be the perfect time to take a step back and consider what YOU really, really want. Not what you are scared of or what you think you should want, but what you WANT.  Maybe it will take a while to find out and know for sure. And then, when you know you will know what to do. Because even if your relatives behave badly, you did what you did because that's what you wanted and you will be ok with the outcome.

[Call Me Cordelia]

So much hugs to you, Bloomie.

I guess what I am realizing is I am still living in relationship with these people from where things left off 12 years ago and I am stumbling trying to catch up. Is that unforgiveness... rigidity... a refusal to believe others can change? Pride that insists my hurt feelings are important in the greater picture of all of the tangled, complex mess my addicted and disordered brother left in his wake?

Are you still living where things left off, though? Or are you just still in a bit of a flashback? I think anybody would stumble a bit when a twelve-year-dead relationship suddenly resurfaces. But you've been putting in so much healing work that I truly don't think it's possible you are coming back in anywhere near where you left off. Your hurt feelings ARE important, dear Bloomie. And you are most responsible for that part of the picture. If there is a tangled complex mess amongst all these people, 3-C's!!! 51%!!! You know the drill. You've preached it. You've practiced it. 12 years ago you didn't.

I pointed out that my estranged brother has not once contacted me to work through or change the LOC we have though though I have never blocked him and the door has never been shut by me or anyone in my family. B1 supposes it is because my estranged brother would not know if it would be accepted by me. 

If your estranged brother doesn't know whether you would be willing to reconcile with him... Well that doesn't make it your responsibility to reach out. That just means that he's reaping what he's sown. You're right on, he is 100% responsible for the mess he made. If he's uncertain, well that's only the natural consequence of being horrible to people and cutting them off. They very well may not wish you back in their lives. It's absolutely fine for him to be uncomfortable. It's okay for B1 to be uncomfortable. Until your estranged sibling requests otherwise, you are going to do him the honor of believing what he's said to you and acting (or not acting) accordingly. As you say, you've never blocked him and if he wishes to reach you he has the ability to do so.

I don't believe you are unforgiving at heart, Bloomie. Rigid? No. Not the way you have shown yourself to be deliberately keeping your heart open to Anne and her now-adult children. If you are standing in the way of a reconnection and reconciliation (and you have quite rightly decided that's your brother's responsibility to begin that process), if you are not jumping right back in, that can only speak of wisdom. This cannot be rushed. You are trying to be rightly detached from the outcome, while at the same time there is part of you that just wants things to be "right" with your family. It's another wave of grief. You can feel all of this, have good boundaries, and still show generosity of spirit to those who have hurt you and are even now, in my opinion, showing a lack of awareness of their hurting you/lack of consideration that comes with still feeling their own hurt and trying to hide it. I'm definitely reading into Anne's behavior a determination to come off as "doing great." But that's just one woman's opinion filtered through the internet.

By the way, I do think you would be well within your rights to say to Anne that you feel hurt when she casually speaks of her eldest daughter without having acknowledged the pain of twelve years gone, or stating whatever is causing you pain in your interactions now. You don't have to just take it. I trust you would be able to do so with great kindness. But please, be kind to YOU, Bloomie. Her response would be useful information, if nothing else. I absolutely agree with NRITH, that you deserve to name, if only to yourself, what your desire would be with the reemergence of this relationship with your former SIL. You can only cover your 50% of that desired outcome, but I think it would help you to act in accord with what you do in fact wish, and be certain of it, let the chips fall where they may, and not reacting from a nebulous sense of what you ought to be doing.

[xredshoesx]

i agree with cordiella and not right- if he asked you to not contact him then the onus is on him to make the first motion to heal the fracture.

[bloomie]

I have just read through each of your insights several times. Admittedly, I am so raw that I couldn't get through them without taking breaks because kindness so often undoes me. Thank you for your kindness.

It occurs to me that it never occurs to me... to ask myself what I want. Pretty much never. Now that's something to admit, but if I am being honest with myself, that is the truth and a now exposed area of much needed growth. So, thank you for asking that question. And thank you for being for me in all of this in reminding me that my experiences and feelings matter.

What if the sum total of my role in all of this from the perspective of my FOO is that I make it easy and fix it? So, we can get the band back together, so to speak? And what if, for the first time in my greater family system, I don't believe it is my moral responsibility and... here it comes... I don't want to. 🤔

I have been spending the past few days reading through a collection I have of writings and thoughts and journals. And the word 'sorrow' is speaking to me in all of this. I believe that sorrow from something I have done, or a way I have been living, leads to remorse which leads to a sober self assessment which leads to contrition which leads to taking responsibility and making amends.

What if there is no sorrow, empathy, compassion for the loss of the relationship with me and my family and for the behaviors that hurt and harmed us within my estranged brother and his family and my greater FOO? What if the only real driving force is a desire to have some return to a family dynamic that pleases and serves everyone else?

My other sibs had an at a distance relationship with my estranged brother and his family. Not one of them were directly harmed in terms of finances and emotional and physically abusive behaviors.

On both sides of my familial experience - FOO and in law family, it seems the family system can only remain if the sickest person in the system is accommodated. So, my estranged brother can live for 12 years and not one time make the uncomfortable phone call, to a sister who has only loved him well his entire life, and take responsibility for himself. That is a character issue that will only remain if I do his work for him.

I am not doing anyone's work but my own.

[hhaw]

Well said, Bloomie!

Allowing others to carry their own water can feeeel wrong, but is exactly right, ime.

I'm still learning how to do that consistently and ordered two books to help focus my attention (not waiver so much) hopefully.

Books are:
Conquering Shame and Co Dependence
and
Disease To Please.

Not that they're reading you need.  Just say'in..... it's my time; )

[LemonLime]

Bloomie,


I second hhaw's recommendation of the Darlene Lancer book "Conquering Shame and Codependency".   I have read her other book "Codependency for Dummies" and found it lifechanging.  She is a helper, a very smart woman who makes connections that other therapists don't.   I'm assuming all her written material is valuable, as her free blog is on her website.   She does provide a lot of information there as well.

[bloomie]

Thank you so much Lemon Lime and hhaw for your support and book suggestions! 🤗

[bloomie]

Today, in all of this I have been re-reading the articles and posts about the O in FOG. Obligation.

From our resource article on FOG:

Obligation comes from an innate sense of community responsibility. We are born with an instinctive sense of obligation to those around us. Historically, humans who isolated themselves from a community were in much greater danger of perishing. Only those who contributed to the community were accepted by the community. As a result, our communities have evolved in such a way that those who have a strong sense of community responsibility are more likely to be accepted by others and ultimately to produce children. Obligation has served our ancestors well in forming communities. However, when a ruthless person takes advantage of our instinctive sense of obligation, they can manipulate our gut reactions to do things which do not always help us thrive and prosper.

Obligation resonates with me, and what has driven me, more than the concept of codependency or caretaking. There have been elements of both which I am usually alert to. But, all of this unexpected reconnection with Anne has made we aware, that for me anyway, the greater motivator is  'community responsibility'. 

There is not a single day of my life that I have not been part of spiritual community and heard teaching that emphasizes my responsibility to the community and greater good of those surrounding me. Until my most recent spiritual community, beginning recovery, and coming here to Out of the FOG, I had not heard the balancing message of how important it is to remove ourselves from those who would manipulate and harm consistently over time. That forgiveness is not equal to reconciliation and forgive and forget is not a thing.

Recognizing how in my FOO and some primary adult relationships this has been weaponized is a continuing unfolding.

So, coming face to face with Anne in my spiritual community has been head spinning. And really good. And is reinforcing and making me stronger in a good way. Painful, but good.

Things continue to be kind and sweet and loving between us. And appropriate, given the long fracture and that she is no longer married to my estranged brother. Recently, she was sitting alone, her family unable to join her. And so there we sat, side by side listening to a healthy, beautiful, challenging message about forgiveness.  Um... well, God's timing! I could 'feel' the emotions radiating off of Anne. I can only imagine the pain and past trauma Anne has experienced with my estranged brother. I want more healing and peace for her. A continuation of the joy she seems to be finding in her faith walk.

I will continue to look for balance in this 'community obligation'. It seems important and empowered to hold that line that no one assigns me an obligatory role or sends me on a mission of reconciliation that has every potential to be harmful to me and those I love, but God.

I struggled with the spiritual talk here in this thread as it is not the board for that, but underlying everything that I have stumbled over time and again is the misunderstanding of my spiritual responsibility to others.