First recovery session is a long time

[BootsAndJeans]

Monday, I attended my first session in Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional families. I had therapy in my twenties and thirties in the military, but had pretty much set boundaries and limits on how much interactions I had with my bMother and Alcoholic step-father.  This all changed in late November, with a medical issue.

It was eye opening, to speak with over 10 other people, who had similiar childhood and adult relationships with alcoholic and/or toxic parents. For way too long, I thought my story was unique. Congnitively, I knew that was not correct, but emotionally, I felt this way. In a way, the safe marriage and home that my wife and I built contributed to this. She was raised in a stable and loving home, and to this day, her family members are good people.

I went through the 25 Questions. Of the 25 questions, I checked many as a definite yes,  a few as being things I used to be/do, and 7 not being no. The worksheet said if you answer yes to 3 questions, then you were emeshed in a dysfunctional family and were abused as a child. Intellectually, I knew I had been abused as a child, but actually going through a checklist, was eye opening and emotionally impactful.

Do you recall anyone drinking or taking drugs or being involved in some other behavior that you now believe could be dysfunctional? Y

    Did you avoid bringing friends to your home because of drinking or some other dysfunctional behavior in the home? Y

    Did one of your parents make excuses for the other parent's drinking or other behaviors? Y

    Did your parents focus on each other so much that they seemed to ignore you? Y

    Did your parents or relatives argue constantly? Y

    Were you drawn into arguments or disagreements and asked to choose sides with one relative against another? Y

    Did you try to protect your brothers or sisters against drinking or other behavior in the family? Y

    As an adult, do you feel immature? Do you feel like you are a child inside? N

    As an adult, do you believe you are treated like a child when you interact with your parents? Y . Are you continuing to live out a childhood role with the parents? N

    Do you believe that it is your responsibility to take care of your parents' feelings or worries? Do other relatives look to you to solve their problems? N

    Do you fear authority figures and angry people? N

    Do you constantly seek approval or praise but have difficulty accepting a compliment when one comes your way? Used to Y

    Do you see most forms of criticism as a personal attack? Used to Y

    Do you over-commit yourself and then feel angry when others do not appreciate what you do? Y

    Do you think you are responsible for the way another person feels or behaves? Used to Y

    Do you have difficulty identifying feelings? Y

    Do you focus outside yourself for love or security? Y

    Do you involve yourself in the problems of others? Do you feel more alive when there is a crisis? Used to Y

    Do you equate sex with intimacy? N

    Do you confuse love and pity? N

    Have you found yourself in a relationship with a compulsive or dangerous person and wonder how you got there? N

    Do you judge yourself without mercy and guess at what is normal? Y

    Do you behave one way in public and another way at home? N

    Do you think your parents had a problem with drinking or taking drugs? Y

    Do you think you were affected by the drinking or other dysfunctional behavior of your parents or family? Y[/li][/list]

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome to this informative and supportive space! You are not alone.
This list is excellent and I had more than three yes too, as will most of the members here. You are in good company. We are all on the path of healing from abuse we have suffered. I am glad you joined us. See you around on the boards.

[Srcyu]

I'm glad the session was helpful. Lists can never fully touch on all the aspects of an abusive family but it is very encouraging when they come close.
I too was surprised to realise that I was not the only one to suffer from family disfunction. I honestly thought that certain family members and myself were unique in our shocking lack of normal, personal interactions.
It is ofcourse, the unwritten rule of, Tell No One, that holds us back for so long.

[NarcKiddo]

Three???

I answered 17 "yes" and 3 "maybe".

Thanks for this. I have in the past wondered about the value of this sort of checklist but actually I am glad when something validates my feeling that all was not well. Having been brought up to believe that we were normal, indeed better than everyone else, it can be hard to trust one's instincts.