Don't go back.

[deletedtrust]

Hi all. I've been gone for quite a while. It's been close to downright boring in my life while I've been NC with my UPDM for the past couple years. For a TL;DR I just want to suggest- If no contact has you feeling happier and healthier then don't fall for the urge to try again.

I know the holidays are hard for a lot of people and it brings our PD family out of the woodwork. Looking over the newer posts has shown that many of us recieved the holiday "olive branch" Well, I fell for it...

Mid-December UPDM sent an e-mail (the only thing I haven't blocked because they are easy enough to ignore) saying how sad she is that we've grown apart and she "wishes she could fix her mistakes". It sat there until the beginning of January but it was at the back of my mind. I lost someone close to cancer this past year and have been reevaluating a lot. I thought I'd give it a go and see if we could work it out. So I returned a message asking where she thought our relationship went wrong.

I opened the wrong door. Her reply was at least 15 paragraphs long and the majority of it was how badly I'd treated her and how much I had hurt her. I have a post history if you're looking for a juicy story. I can say after going back to read it myself that I stand behind my feeling that I did what I could to help her.

To keep this relatively brief, she has learned nothing, done no self-reflection, and still says I'm the one who has done all the wrong.    I have always been terrified to tell her how I really see things, I've always sugar-coated my thoughts and opinions and tiptoed around her because she is nasty to me when I "step out of line". I wrote back how I see things differently, kind but firm, and she hasn't replied in the past three days. I think it's time to block the e-mail.

If you are in the thick of it right now, my heart is with you. During the really bad times with her I thought I would just curl up and die or be forced to spend the rest of my life under her thumb. You don't have to live that way and you are going to be okay <3

[moglow]

I opened the wrong door. Her reply was at least 15 paragraphs long and the majority of it was how badly I'd treated her and how much I had hurt her. I have a post history if you're looking for a juicy story. I can say after going back to read it myself that I stand behind my feeling that I did what I could to help her.

To keep this relatively brief, she has learned nothing, done no self-reflection, and still says I'm the one who has done all the wrong.  (https://outofthefog.net/forum/Smileys/default/stars.gif)  I have always been terrified to tell her how I really see things, I've always sugar-coated my thoughts and opinions and tiptoed around her because she is nasty to me when I "step out of line". I wrote back how I see things differently, kind but firm, and she hasn't replied in the past three days. I think it's time to block the e-mail.

If you are in the thick of it right now, my heart is with you. During the really bad times with her I thought I would just curl up and die or be forced to spend the rest of my life under her thumb. You don't have to live that way and you are going to be okay <3

All of this spoke to me, and thank you for sharing! Been there, played that, got burned [repeatedly] for my trouble. What stuns me is, you're the parent and you resent *your child* to this degree, you have no responsibility here whatsoever?? Been there with mine too - Our last round of it was about this time last year. I've had superficial conversations a few times since, and she made it clear she's not interested in more. So here we are. There ARE worse things than no contact - THAT nonsense, the ugliness and spite they dished for decades? It's worse.

[deletedtrust]

What stuns me is, you're the parent and you resent *your child* to this degree, you have no responsibility here whatsoever??

This! Exactly. I look at my own kids and can't imagine treating them the way she treats me. The only silver lining is that I work really hard to parent in a healthy way and make sure my kids know that I will always respect their boundaries. When I screw up I apologize and then don't repeat the action!

You're also so right- there are worse things than NC. Thanks for the insightful reply.

[moglow]

I look at my own kids and can't imagine treating them the way she treats me. The only silver lining is that I work really hard to parent in a healthy way and make sure my kids know that I will always respect their boundaries. When I screw up I apologize and then don't repeat the action!

Yes! What astounds me is the complete inability to see issue with their behavior (and being so incredibly defensive if/when we dared object) while accusing others of the same. And the fauxpologies, if any at all? Crocodile tears and how hard it was for them, as if we don't all make choices in our behavior every day? But let us speak up for ourselves, share what we've been through, with or without them - mine showed little remorse or interest. Truly all about her.

[overitall]

For me, growing up with uNPDf and uBPDm, has only made me a great mother.  Oh ya, I have struggled a lot because of my childhood.  I have been horribly abused by both of my parents, and thus have been NC (again) with them.  It has been a lifelong struggle to try to navigate the mood swings, smears, manipulation, etc. 
However, for me, the end result it that I have an amazing relationship with all of my adult kids.  They have witnessed first hand what I have endured and they have zero respect for their grandparents.  I have been completely open and honest with all of them and I have repeatedly told them that if there is ever anything I do or say that bothers them, PLEASE tell me...I would rather die than have my kids not want to be around me.  If they express any kind of disapproval I take it very seriously. 
I think this is the only positive upside to my upbringing

[olivegirl]

 

I can not go back to the never-ending circular arguments with my Bpdmom and UNpddad.   Lesson learned!   

They just want to win and dominate me so its exhausting addressing all of their prolific lies.   

Add in their sadistic thrill in gaslighting me and they feel an euphoric energy while I become depleted and depressed!   

  Nope, not doing it!! 

   
Now they are in their 70s, and the only reason why they want contact or appear to make amends is because they are completely broke and hooked on living well beyond their means.   

Their solution:  feign helplessness and demand I let them live with me!   

I am so so grateful my husband and I moved 1k miles away from our hometown. 

My toxic parents see me as their fixer, easily manipulated, perpetually inferior and indebted, forever servant. 

And so I just stay away and keep that door closed for my sanity and freedom!