Dealing with the loss

[seafarer]

Even after much pain dealing with stbx and all of her abuse, I feel a profound amount of loss and grief.  Any suggestions on how to cope? 

[SonofThunder]

Even after much pain dealing with stbx and all of her abuse, I feel a profound amount of loss and grief.  Any suggestions on how to cope?

Hi seafarer,

I am currently separated and imo, those feelings are to be expected.  If you desire therapy, then seek it.   I also recommend journaling your feelings.  If you are not practicing the exercises of mindfulness, I highly recommend.  There are books on the subject; the one I read (and now practice accordingly) is by Mark Williams and Danny Penman, titled 'Mindfulness: Finding Peace in a Frantic World'.

Imo PD's need others to host their emotions.  I believe female PD's show their emotional collapse upon losing their host, much greater than male PD's, because of two opposite gender-related reasons. 

Imo, Male PD's have a sense of masculinity and pride which cause them to shield their internal emptiness from being visible to others, by substituting it with something they believe to be masculine power and hurtful to the host who stopped hosting. Imo, males showing a victim mode is not masculine, therefore they will take pride in perpetrating the true victim, by proving to the past-host, that they are not needed and worthless to the PD. Although this is opposite of the truth to a malePD who cant host their own emotions, they don't let it show.  Again all my personal opinion from my own experiences. 

I also believe female PD's oppositely wear their emotions on their sleeve for all to see, embracing their victim mode in full public presentation, to receive the sympathy trophy from others, paint their departing host as the perpetrator to everyone in a victim smear-campaign and potentially cause that past-host, to return to the hosting role, under the pressure of it all. Again, my experiences form my opinion.

I will suggest you analyze those feelings well, separating any "grief and loss" from a potential feeling of "guilt".  PD's are especially skilled at making the departing host feel guilt. Those guilt feelings (which are projected onto the non) can be confusing as they may mask themselves as grief and loss. Lastly, remember that you did not feel this way before meeting your stbx and so you are on the journey back to that spot, with a greater education to guide you going forward in life. 

Time will also assist you greatly.  Wishing you steadfastness in your steady quest to freedom.

SoT

[escapingman]

Absolutely agree with SoT, the female PD (at least mine) becomes a victim and the most important thing is to stay the victim for everybody to see. STBX has lived with MIL for a long time, kept complaining about how unfair it is and that she needs money so she can move. But not once has she tried to resolve the situation, not once has she asked for temporary relief or for me to pay her support, no it's much better for her to complain about how evil I am and how bad her situation is. STBX has dragged her heels on the negotiations, she has kept delaying and keep delaying. She asks for the house to be sold, but it can't be sold until an agreement. In my case, I have accepted her latest offer and am waiting for her solicitor to confirm we can get it to the court for rubber stamping, I have a feeling she will come up with something new so there is no longer an agreement, how can she be the victim if she got what she wanted?

seafarer, I don't have any great advice on this as I am struggling every day to get any motivation to do anything. It's like my entire world just shut down when the drama ended and not know how to replace it. SoT's suggestion of mindfulness is good, I am trying to do some but I don't have the discipline to keep at it. Personally I think I need out of the house and really start over somewhere new before I can leave all the memories and trauma behind.