Too tired and slow

[Pepin]

It has been a year of firsts since CN MIL's passing and the one thing that I feel more than anything is exhausted.  I start the day tired and end the day tired.  The last few years had me living in survival mode - operating at more than I was capable of doing but still doing to keep my head above water.  Now my body is telling me to slow down and get healthy.  One of my biggest challenges has been to stop over eating.  I had tapes playing inside my head: eat more, too skinny, take more, etc. that both MIL and FIL would say to me.  My entire body grew larger in size over the years -- probably because I wanted them to leave me alone and because perhaps I thought I would feel safer being a larger size!  I am proud to say that I have finally dropped a few pounds and have the determination to keep going - to be a healthier size for my body.  My clothes already feel better when before they felt terrible and I was frustrated and sad about not being able to fit into them.  I don't want to feel frustrated and sad anymore!  I had no idea that each year I was getting bigger and bigger in response to trying to survive.  Working out had no effect because of all the food I was stuffing into myself.  Now that CN MIL is gone and I made it through the first year, I am dedicating myself to being kind to myself.  My body deserves to be treated better so that I can emotionally feel better.

On another note, the entire family seems to be doing better.  We've been making connections with each other that were impossible to do before with all the space CN MIL was taking up. 

[hhaw]

Pepin:

You deserve self care and to feel good in your body.

I hope you keep it up.  You're so worthy🌞

[Starboard Song]

I am dedicating myself to being kind to myself.

You should. Remember, there are people who benefit by knowing you. Some depend on you, others like having you around, and some no doubt love you dearly. It is for all of those people too, and not just yourself, that you take care of yourself. Allowing yourself to thrive is a loving act of kindness from you to all those folks who may in any way benefit from you.

Be ever so kind to the wonderful person we only know as Pepin. Pepin deserves it. I promise you.

[NarcKiddo]

Well done, Pepin. You deserve good things and I'm glad to read you are looking after yourself.

[bloomie]

It is so true that your body, heart, mind, soul deserve tender care! How wonderful to read that you are on this quest and that your whole family is doing better and connecting.

[Pepin]

Thank you all for the supportive replies.  This has been a long time coming.  I feel as though for the last number of years, I was trapped in an unfavorable station with no way to get out.  And my body has paid for it in various ways over the years -- mostly because I swallowed what I couldn't get away from despite all the tools I had at my disposal.  What I needed was no contact or death.  No contact wasn't an option because it would mean losing DH and exposing our children more to CN MIL.  I had to wait for death instead.....grinding my teeth down, trying to survive a day at a time when I just wanted to give up and walk away from it all.  Despite the boundaries I set and the absolute lowest of grey rock possible, CN MIL was still a thorn in my life.  Since she was an integral part of DH's life, she HAD to be included in mine on some level -- and that was obviously too much.  And my way of coping was to eat. 

Tired: eat
Upset: eat
Anxious: eat
Sad: eat
Confused: eat
Angry: eat less
Depressed: eat

I wasn't angry enough because I knew it wouldn't help the situation.  Anger for me often leads to change, but in this difficult situation, it was not an option.  I had to quietly wait.  Now I am free to do as I please....and even though she passed a while ago, it has been difficult finding my footing because I have been living a life of TRAUMA for so long.  I don't quite know at my age what normal is supposed to be.  So I am going to have to remove what I don't like first. 

[hhaw]

Noticing your pattern of using food to cope is the first step toward cultivating other choices, ime.

My T suggested I think about whats behind my hunger/reaction/desire to eat when I'm not hungry.

Sadness?  Fear?  Anger?

Usually it leads back to sadness, for me.

Most of the struggle comes from traumatized or protective parts.  All my parts....all our parts.....have positive intentions for us.  Even the self sabotaging parts are trying to help.

Figuring that out, reassuring them they belong, letting them know we're here, in our adult self, to handle what they used to protect us from......letting them know they belong and can rest, sometimes help me.

The part suggesting food as distraction has good intentions too for you too, Pepin.  Embrace that part as ally and reassure it....of course you understand exactly how she feels in the situation.  It's perfectly reasonable.

Now, as allies.....what different choices might you 2 decide on, going forward? 

And mourn.....mourn the time you've lost.  The sacrifices you've made and the pieces of yourself you cut off and kept silent.  Talk to her and let that sadness into the light.  Don't stop the tears by holding your breathe.  When you have the house to yourself cry without restraint and feel it all.

Or not.  Everyone finds their own way to process their trauma. 

[Jolie40]

I am proud to say that I have finally dropped a few pounds and have the determination to keep going - to be a healthier size for my body.

good for you losing weight which is SO hard to do!

keep going & good luck!