Processing through Poetry

[Ms.Fang]

I'm sad, mother, you say you did the best you could but did you?
Mother, you held my life in your arms but was I
A person with my own beliefs and feelings in your eyes?
Mother, I'm not an extension of you.

The connections of other mothers and daughters
make me sad and green.
The fantasy society wallops on us swims behind my tears.
So much pressure on mothers,
so much pressure on us to love them.
The twisted darkness of what that reality
can be is brushed away unseen.
I'm sad, mother.

Unspoken expectations unmet linger between us.
You were excited to see me become initiated into the cult one day,
More excited about that than my own marriage, your words
Excited to hold grandchildren in your arms,
To see them go through the same childhood rituals I did.
None of that is forthcoming and now I'm 34.
Older than your mother was when she died.
Even if I did get married one day I don't know if I'll invite you.

My expectations, just to be close and connected
To be heard without judgement and loved
Without conditions enforced upon me as if I still lived with you
Neither of us got what we wanted.

It's time to accept
The reality that looms in our faces
The words and tears left unshared.
Society expects us to revere our mothers
The self sacrificing creatures who carry us in their bodies
But they forget that once we are no longer dependent on them
Respect and love is earned not given
You can't expect me to owe you for the rest of my life
Because you carried me for nine months.

I may have chosen to be born
But you also chose to bear me
You chose to have a child, to raise it, protect and take care of it.
That decision was meant to be made without expectation
Of what I may give in return.

Your assumption I would never move out
That we would always live together
Simply because you never found a partner?
How fucked up is that.
The jokes that I was the man of the house
Simply caused issues when I moved in with my boyfriend
I struggled to be the woman of the house.
To ask for help and be a part of a team
Because I was so used to not depending on anyone.

[Starboard Song]

Oh goodness.

You got around to so many of the facets of this dysfunction. And you strip it down to bare, honest language. I am sorry you had the experience to be able to write that. I am sure many people will recognize themselves in your words.

Be good. Be strong.