Im not mean here am I surely?

[p123]

Whenever I visit Dad its always the same. Pile of letters he can't be bothered to read like "changes to terms and conditons of bank account" so hes asks me "so whats that?". "It means they're changing the terms and conditions of your bank acccount Dad". "Oh ok?" and I think what on earth?

This time hes got a letter from his GP. In plain english says hes need to have a blood test so they can do an annual review his meds. Says District (visiting) nurse is aware but he may need to make an appt. Anyway he gets a visit anyway once a week (for something else) so quite rightly he showed the letter and they said ok no problem and took the extra blood.

Job done you may think. Nope not in Dads head. Hes still convinced hes got to make an appointment and wants me to phone the GP to check if they got the blood. It just made no sense.

I said NO Im not phoning because:-

1. There is no need its done (the letter also said if he didnt sort the bloods out they'd send another reminder - no reminder so it must be sorted)
2. The GP won't let me discuss his medical details (we've had this talk about 100 times)
3. I just don't have time to be honest.

Then I get the "oh I can't hear on the phone" (ARGGHHHHH Get the hearing aid sorted for the 10000x time) and his trump card "But its making me all depressed worrying about this"

I did go mad. I'd had hell of a day. I'd had my autistic son in college 100 miles away crying on the phone, still lots of hassle with his GF split up. I'm trying to sort out for him to move flats to avoid all the bad feelings. I'm trying to get him out of a lease he signed with her for next years.

Stressful is not the word. Yet Dad thinks hes pretty much irrational worry about something thats nothing trumps it all.
I told him , as I have many times - you need to speak to a counsellor about this anxiety. Once again I got "no chance they're not locking me in a padded cell". Typical.

In all honesty, he'd be better in a home where someone is paid to mollycoddle him.

[Sneezy]

I think the simpler you keep your responses, the better.  So the answer is "no, I can't call your doctor, because you never authorized him to speak to me about your medical issues." And then change the subject.  You know your dad, as soon as say no to one thing he is going to find something else.  It will never end.  Even "no I can't do that," without any explanation, is a fine response.  Although, personally I have trouble not explaining (I know, never JADE, but that is tough to do).

I hope things are working out for your son.  It's hard when our kids are suffering.  He is fortunate to have supportive parents.

[moglow]

So the answer is "no, I can't call your doctor, because you never authorized him to speak to me about your medical issues."

I'd probably simplify a grunt further, don't give dad an argument to come back with. "We've talked about that, dad, your doctor can't speak with me. You'll have to call him." Brief, informative, friendly firm and move on to the next subject.

But yeah, explaining yourself over and over again just eats up your available air and energy, plus every time you get into it with him you get all riled up again. If he's not hearing the argument he wants so badly so it's a lost cause anyway.

[Srcyu]

No, ofcourse you're not mean. He is displaying Learned Helplessness. Lots of older people do it.  They reach a point of feeling quite old enough and then want an easier life by getting someone else to deal with things for them.

By announcing their worry/depression they are wrapping their tendrils around your ankles as you are trying to walk out the door.

My course of action would be to ring his doctor there and then and hand the phone over to him.

[moglow]

He is displaying Learned Helplessness. Lots of older people do it.  They reach a point of feeling quite old enough and then want an easier life by getting someone else to deal with things for them.

Good point. My grandparents were country people who had their own garden, chickens, etc and lived fairly close to the land in general. About half of their children lived within a 15min drive, two on adjoining property next to theirs. I don't really remember grocery store or "town" trips with them but I know grandmother didn't drive at all, not sure who took them to appointments etc. I do remember mother complaining about visiting and how this or that sibling didn't pull their weight [in her view]. Interestingly, mother hit 70-ish and decided she'd worked long enough, had assumptions about what we should be doing for her. She didn't tell us, just spewed endless complaints to the others that did nothing more than shove everyone away. In her mind though, there was a list of shoulds due to her age and comparisons to other families. It didn't occur I guess that those people had actually fostered and encouraged relationships, didn't assume that "this is how it is."

[lkdrymom]

My father drove me crazy with wanting to read every piece of mail he got to me over the phone.  I told him I would review it on my every other week visit but that wasn't fast enough.  You just have to say...I will get to it when I can get three and I can't get there for another two weeks.  If you are so concerned, then you do something about it.

My grandmother used the term "Senior Citizen" as if it was some royal title bestowed on her at the age of 65.  It apparently entitled her to be catered to and waited on hand and foot.

Learned helplessness is a terrible thing. My aunt cleaned my father's apartment on a couple occasions.  She seemed upset that I wasn't doing it for him...mainly because he is a man and can't do such things.  I was so mad because I knew he would expect me to do it for him.  I took him shopping every other week.  I took him to doctor appointments he couldn't walk to. I paid his bills for him.  I did his taxes.  My husband loved to cook so I would bring him quite a bit of that.  I even did his laundry for a while.  That was more than enough for a person with their own home, children and a full time job.

[p123]

What gets me though is if its something to do with my life hes got every opinion in the world and think he knows it all can tell me how to behave?

I must have heard the words "but you don't get paid" whenever I say I've got a day off work (I try not to tell him) I'm gonna scream. Yes of course self-employed people don't - such is life.
Then he'll say something "so why when you are losing money?" OMG I'm 55 years old!!!!!!!

He'll then look at me as if I'm a naughty 13 year old who doesnt know what hes doing. REALLY winds me up.

[moglow]

Why does it wind you up? He has opinions, lots of them from the sounds of it, and you simply don't agree. Probably rarely have and he still doesnt get it, not likely to start now. I understand your frustrations but still not yours to explain over and over. He has no clue who you are or what your life us about - because all he sees is himself. You don't have to respond at all but I bet the inner need to be heard just about makes your head explode at times.

I get it, went there with mommie dearest over and over and over all my life. Wasted so much time and energy wanting and demanding to be heard. I'm a little older than you btw, and *nothing* made a dent in her. She just hunkered down and dealt some more no matter what I said, no matter my desire to be understood or just appreciated for myself. Ain't happening with her. I know that now.

I had to change ME, stop making it all about her. I finally stepped back then stepped back some more. I stopped taking it in and just let it go. I turned my focus elsewhere and limited my exposure to the ugliness and spite she carried. None of that was mine and I had to make better choices lest I poison the rest of my life.

[NarcKiddo]

What gets me though is if its something to do with my life hes got every opinion in the world and think he knows it all can tell me how to behave?

I know the feeling. My mother is always banging on about stuff I do if I am unwise enough to tell her or can't avoid doing so. Holiday to India? Cancel it at ONCE! You'll get dysentery and die. Trip calling in at Dubai? Cancel it at ONCE! You'll get arrested (she didn't say what for) and die in jail. Going into business with my husband? OMG - he will bankrupt you. (She never explained how or why). If she is ever challenged she just says "Oh, I worry about you. One never stops being a mother, you know." 

[Happypants]

No, p123, you're not the mean one here...and he's very well aware that you are dictated by your conscience regardless of whether you get angry with him.  There's a balance to achieve between what you're willing/wanting to do to help him, what non-negotiable boundaries you NEED put in place, and what level of contact and assistance you provide that allows you to live with yourself.  Rightly or wrongly, the last part, the being able to live with yourself, I believe is quite important in this situation.

I had to change ME, stop making it all about her. I finally stepped back then stepped back some more. I stopped taking it in and just let it go. I turned my focus elsewhere and limited my exposure to the ugliness and spite she carried. None of that was mine and I had to make better choices lest I poison the rest of my life.

I have similar issues (more on the horizon) with expectations, both my parents and my own, and am currently retraining my focus on what's going on in my life regardless of them.  I think Moglow has nailed it here!  You have a family,  work, and your own emotional happiness to prioritise.  Can you make some plans with your family, perhaps throw in some novelty, make a commitment in your head to change up what you're focusing on with your thoughts.  You need to, because he is never going to change.  He will wind you up.  He will make you feel like crap.  You may just need to accept that as long as you still *want* to be involved with him.  But you have a whole other life to experience with your FOC.  Can you make a commitment to them and yourself that as soon as the phonecall to him ends, or as soon as you close the gate when leaving his house, that you drop the rope, even if you know you're probably going to pick it back up again the next time?  Sometimes that's the compromise and it stinks p123 x

[lkdrymom]

Your father is a member of the last generation that feels you MUST follow in your parent's footsteps.  This is why he relates to your brother so much, he is working a blue collar job and he never gets ahead.  You are doing something totally different which he takes as telling him you think he was doing something wrong.  How many of us have heard our elders say "But that is how we have always done this!"  when someone tries to do something differently.  It never occurs to them that there is more than one way.  You being successful, you doing things he would never do, you 'allowing' your wife to have opinions that you respect...all tell him that you think he was wrong.  And in their generation...the elder was never wrong (even if they were).