Getting and staying Out of the FOG as an Introvert

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi all,

Recently there was a really good thread in the forum about being an introvert - shout out to neverenoughmary! 

I wanted to start a thread in the working on us section to extend our discussion of introversion as it relates to getting Out of the FOG.

Although I'm not really 'working on' being an introvert lol. More like, working on being better at nurturing the inner introvert.

Apparently it was world Introvert appreciation day January 2nd?

https://introvertdear.com/news/world-introvert-day-celebrate-introverts/

There is a day for everything lol!

For others who feel more introverted than extroverted, what have been some ways that you think being an introvert has influenced your work to get Out of the FOG?

I think that a lot of 'advice' we get as we get Out of the FOG, tends to be about being extroverted. i.e. go out and volunteer, go meet new people, join a new group, get a new hobby outside the home etc... Those are all great things to try, and I can't knock any of them. But introverts do not have endless energy for social spaces!!

Plus, as survivors of PD abuse, we have had our share of draining social experiences where we've had to process a lot of energy that wasn't 'ours' but people made it ours....we've been through battles and we're battle weary!

Introverts can really thrive in solitude, but I find as a survivor, it is a challenge to have this personality trait because it is really hard to build deep connections with people, and we introverts do not really thrive on small talk and idle chit chat. When those deeper connections are missing in our lives, it can be really hard. As introverts, we are anti-social. We like socializing too! I think it is that we crave a very specific type of socializing. One that rarely involves going to very loud gatherings with lots of people!

I'd rather have one satisfying conversation with one person, than 5 meh conversations with 5 different people. Hello introversion!

https://introvertdear.com/news/world-introvert-day-celebrate-introverts/

https://introvertdear.com/news/introverts-dont-hate-people-hate-shallow-socializing/

https://introvertdear.com/news/5-qualities-introverts-want-in-a-friend/

Would love to hear others thoughts on any of these articles!

Trees

[Jolie40]

as I posted on the 2023 goals thread:
"I'm joining a third writing group this month."

although I'm very introverted, I have found the three writing groups I'm in to be enjoyable & look forward to each group meeting once/month

we write & then each read our writing so the group is actually pretty quiet & doesn't get into discussion
I feel like I've found my people!
it's enough to get me out of the house 3X/mos but not too overwhelming

enabler passed on in 2020 & PD parent passed on Dec 2022
so parent house is gone & not avail for holidays.....two siblings never, ever held holiday gatherings & another sibling NOW only holds gatherings for wife's relatives, another lives out of state

the last gathering was actually at my house
I'm not up to the work & expense to hold a holiday gathering, either

so I'll no longer "get stressed" for holiday/birthday gatherings as it seems there won't be any ever again
it was peaceful to celebrate Thanksgiving & Christmas just the three of us:  husband, child, & me

[NarcKiddo]

I have actually found a lot of joy and friendship on Internet forums. It started with my joining a forum because a pet had a health/care issue. Since the forum was for those with a common interest it ended up with a group of us "socialising" in the chat area. This has happened with many forums I have joined over the years. Gradually a very supportive group has built up and some of us have ended up meeting in real life.

I met one very supportive group of friends via an internet game that none of us play any more. We are spread all over the globe and now communicate on a Facebook group. The communications have become less frequent as we don't have cause to be in touch every day but if someone has something to celebrate or has a problem there is always at least one person in the group online who is able and willing to give immediate help or just a friendly ear.

For me the medium of internet works very well because it is not as immediately intrusive as, say, a phone call. I can read what the issue is and regulate myself emotionally before diving in to help/cheer/chat whatever.

I realise through therapy that I have some problems with direct communications owing to my PD upbringing. At some stage I will likely want to brave more face to face experiences.

[SonofThunder]

Ohh yay, a topic on Introversion, I love it!

First off, if anyone on this forum hasn't read Quiet by Susan Cain, start there! It's the OG book on being an Introvert.

I personally have found Introversion to be a useful trait to have in the PD healing process, because we are so good at understanding and processing our inner world. I've really enjoyed spending hours and hours thinking and processing this newfound reality. I think it would be much more difficult if I were an "external processor" because there aren't many people around I can safely process my PD reality with. But I tell you, me, myself and I have a fantastic time reading this forum and processing internally all it means for my reality!

Journaling has been a massive help in this regard. It has been a life saver in getting out all the internal thoughts in a safe way.

I love reading, listening to music, and other solitary activities. It doesn't really bother me that these are done in isolation. The world says I need to go out and meet new people, but do I really? Do I want to? I'm happy with my current friend group and relationships. I generally ignore the advice that tells me to go out and join new groups and meet new people and whatnot. Granted, I'm still in a PD household so maybe that would change if I were living alone, but right now this is fine.

One tough thing I do face...you said that "we thrive building deep connections with people." This was one of the things that initially attracted me to my uPDw, until I realized her "deep connecting" was really a ploy to get me hooked on the PD cycle. Now, I feel a huge loss as a "deep connection introvert" no longer being able to connect with her.

For me, I have two friends and two family members whom I trust and can have that deep relationship with that you described, TGS. Honestly that's enough for me. Also, this might sound silly, but friends who are willing to text or message is a huge benefit if you're a busy person in this modern world. Still living with uPDw and lots of kids, I can't get together with friends as much as I would like, but we text very frequently and it helps keep that connection alive. Obviously texting can't replace being together, but I've found that people I know who don't text, we grow apart much more easily.

In terms of staying Out of the FOG, I'm confident I can do that as an introvert. Forums, books, therapy, and the close connections I have are enough to keep me on the right track (so far).

Bottom-line, for me at least, I don't feel the pressure to expand my world...I'm happy with my social connections. But I am personally saddened by the lack of depth in my romantic life...something I just have to deal with (for now at least).

[SonofThunder]

I have actually found a lot of joy and friendship on Internet forums.

.....the medium of internet works very well because it is not as immediately intrusive as, say, a phone call. I can read what the issue is and regulate myself emotionally before diving in to help/cheer/chat whatever.

....I have some problems with direct communications owing to my PD upbringing. At some stage I will likely want to brave more face to face experiences.

+1

Love the internet game idea as well. Especially one that may be interactive around a hobby/interest.  Like you stated, NarcKiddo, I also believe there are certain hobby interests, which have a higher population of introverts.  For example gardening, fishing, hiking, collecting, dog- training and many others.

SoT

[treesgrowslowly]

 
Thanks user for the book recommendation. I am going to read that book!

NarcKiddo, that is great that you've found friendships online!

Really nice to hear this stuff.

Trees

[countrygirl]

This is a great topic.  Was so interested when neverenoughmary started the topic, and am happy that Trees continued it.

As I was reading the comments this morning, I realized that even the sports I've always loved are "introvert" sports:   working with horses, fishing and swimming.   One reason I love horses is that it's possible to have a very deep connection with them without speaking much at all.   I turned to them, and to other animals, to escape from my childhood house of horrors, and my very loud, very aggressive, mother, who had no respect for any boundaries. 

My other big love in life is reading.  Always has been.  Here, I have to say that my Kindle still seems magical to me.  Any book in the world at my fingertips!   I read my way through the worst part of the pandemic. 

Like many introverts, I treasure deep connection.   As long as I have a few people who "get me," and who I get, I am fine.  A close friend, with whom I spoke every day, died last month.  I am still reeling from that, and find myself thinking of things to tell her almost every day.

I think I may have mentioned this on the neverenoughmary thread, but when I was a kid, my father, who was very sociable, used to try to force me to be more extroverted.  In fact, he would curl his lip and ask,  "You aren't an introvert, are you?"   As if he were asking if I were a serial killer.  So, early on, I felt less-than because I was introverted, but it didn't make me change!   

"Quiet" is indeed a wonderful book, and I am certainly open to reading any others which any of you could recommend. 

[Andeza]

It was actually shortly after I learned that introverts have a social battery that can't recharge around others that I realized I was one. I do have certain people I can recharge around. My husband, my kids, a very close friend.... That's it.

It became very easy at that point to figure out who I could and could not spend large amounts of time with. People in my life that had a PD drained me significantly faster than others. It was very telling. Over time I've managed to get them all out of my life, and socially I don't feel drained very often anymore. Of course, the extent of my social life is a gaming forum, and a gardening/chicken keeping forum, but that's really how I like it.

The beauty of the Internet and forums is something called a "block" or "mute" button. Run across a narcissist, mute them. They hate being ignored so they leave.

[Jolie40]

I have actually found a lot of joy and friendship on Internet forums.

yes! currently, I'm on 4 different forums, including "outofthefog"
they each have a different focus

I like giving advice on the other forums (such as marriage/raising children advice)
feels good when someone likes my advice....the other forums have the ability to "like" a post