Overcoming scapegoating

[JollyJazz]

Hello all,

Does anyone have any especially useful resources for overcoming family scapegoating abuse?

Anything you found helpful would be great!

I'm trying to do lots of S/H work this year! 😊

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Hi, Jolly Jazz.   I'm wondering what you mean by overcoming scapegoating.  Do you mean how to avoid getting caught in it in the present ...  or healing from a past full of it?   I guess I'm dealing with both of those things, but mostly from the past.  I have just been using trauma T to work on it.  It would be great if there were something more dedicated to just that topic.

[Happypants]

There are a lot of really good resources on YouTube. For starters I would recommend Patrick Teahan, Dr Ramani, Jay Reid, Jerry Wise and Les Carter (can't remember his channel name).

I found many of Jay Reids videos from two years ago incredibly accurate, especially this one

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=uwsELQPhZ88

His overall approach to healing from the scapegoat role really resonates with me personally as it feels like the natural process that many seem to find themselves going through. Broken down roughly: understanding the scapegoat role>creating psychological or physical distance>living in spite of the family "rules".

Take a look at the book review/other resources section of the forum too!

Hope this helps x

[JollyJazz]

Hi, Jolly Jazz.   I'm wondering what you mean by overcoming scapegoating.  Do you mean how to avoid getting caught in it in the present ...  or healing from a past full of it?   I guess I'm dealing with both of those things, but mostly from the past.  I have just been using trauma T to work on it.  It would be great if there were something more dedicated to just that topic.

Hi Looking to be free,

Great point! Actually I am interested in both, but I think I really need to work on the healing, for sure!

I am trying to work on it all, in a more concerted fashion this year!

Thanks again for your reply, and best wishes for your healing! 

[JollyJazz]

There are a lot of really good resources on YouTube. For starters I would recommend Patrick Teahan, Dr Ramani, Jay Reid, Jerry Wise and Les Carter (can't remember his channel name).

I found many of Jay Reids videos from two years ago incredibly accurate, especially this one

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=uwsELQPhZ88

His overall approach to healing from the scapegoat role really resonates with me personally as it feels like the natural process that many seem to find themselves going through. Broken down roughly: understanding the scapegoat role>creating psychological or physical distance>living in spite of the family "rules".

Take a look at the book review/other resources section of the forum too!

Hope this helps x

Hi Happy pants,

Wow, thank you SO MUCH!!!

This is exactly what I'm after, thanks again!!    Gosh, I've gotten the best resources from this forum.

Have an awesome day 

[Jolie40]

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=uwsELQPhZ88

watched the whole video....thank you!

interesting that PD parent finds scapegoated child as a threat to them
pulling the whole family in against child....true
no positives said to child.....true

I remember one time they were praising & praising sibling for report card....she raised some Cs to Bs

I stood there waiting for praise for my report card & eventually got "oh, you always get As"
no good job or anything; somehow it felt derogatory to me

[countrygirl]

This is an interesting topic, and there are some good recommendations.

It does sound as if your parents felt you were a threat to them, Jolie40, probably because you were so smart.   I was also just expected to do well, and wasn't praised.  Once time I brought home with a report card which had one A- on it, and my father commented on that grade and not the fact that all the other grades were As.

I was expected to do well, but then I was also blamed for anything that went wrong in the family, so the very people who were burdening me with the constant demand to excel were the same people who were blaming me.  Not a good combo!

I feel inspired by you jollyjazz, and am going to work on this too.  I think being scapegoated has affected me since I was a child.  Thank you for raising the topic! 

[JollyJazz]

Hi Jolie40,

I'm sorry to hear that you had to endure this as well.

Yes, being the scapegoat is often an odd mix of the one that has to do more work, the care work, but also gets picked on, treated as the 'bad one', and when one looks at the objective facts, you realize that often you did well in school, extra part time work to earn money, got on well with others etc.

Often I think we have to take on the 'servant' role. If we do well we often need to be 'brought down to size'.

It's a wonderful video, fantastic resources, so helpful!!! 😌

[JollyJazz]

This is an interesting topic, and there are some good recommendations.

It does sound as if your parents felt you were a threat to them, Jolie40, probably because you were so smart.   I was also just expected to do well, and wasn't praised.  Once time I brought home with a report card which had one A- on it, and my father commented on that grade and not the fact that all the other grades were As.

I was expected to do well, but then I was also blamed for anything that went wrong in the family, so the very people who were burdening me with the constant demand to excel were the same people who were blaming me.  Not a good combo!

I feel inspired by you jollyjazz, and am going to work on this too.  I think being scapegoated has affected me since I was a child.  Thank you for raising the topic!

Hi Countrygirl,

Thanks for your kind words!  I'm glad that these resources are helping you too.

Yes, it's good to be reminded that we are often scapegoated for POSITIVE traits, being pro-social, empathetic etc.

Often we think we need to just try harder. We are expected to 'do well', but still get criticized. It's such a tough role.

But at the same time, I think scapegoats are often picked because we have an inner strength and goodness. It's this strength and goodness, when we turn it to ourselves, that I think can help us heal.

Thanks everyone, again! 

[Jolie40]

I think scapegoats are often picked because we have an inner strength and goodness. It's this strength and goodness, when we turn it to ourselves, that I think can help us heal.

yes! we're the nice person in the family

it's too bad as kids we couldn't say "enough already"
then as adults, we're entrenched in the role & are helpless to get out, unless we go NC

best to you in working to overcome it, JollyJazz!

[JollyJazz]

Thank you Jolie40!

Yes, here is one on who gets picked for the scapegoat role...

https://youtu.be/Sdnb_FPKG0U

It really is a terrible form of abuse... But it's so sweet how he talks about how he is in awe of the resilience of the scapegoats...

My goal for 2023 is to tackle this... I'll be posting on this throughout the year, any other scapegoat survivors are very welcome to join me 

P. S. I just watched this... A genius, incredibly uplifting summary from Dr Ramami: https://youtu.be/Z24SRmw_PsY

[1footouttadefog]

For me it helps to simplify life so I am in control of my own space to a reasonable extent.  This eliminates things going wrong all the time.   Not having to blame anyone or outside circumstances on my own issues helps me not feel triggered by having been blamed. 

Knowing I am not doing it to others and passing it down, helps me feel healed. 

[Jolie40]

I've simplified life, also

other than going to the writing groups I'm in, I rarely go anywhere

[Call Me Cordelia]

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=uwsELQPhZ88

watched the whole video....thank you!

interesting that PD parent finds scapegoated child as a threat to them
pulling the whole family in against child....true
no positives said to child.....true

I remember one time they were praising & praising sibling for report card....she raised some Cs to Bs

I stood there waiting for praise for my report card & eventually got "oh, you always get As"
no good job or anything; somehow it felt derogatory to me

“You always get A’s.” !!!! Me too!!! “I know that’s what you’re capable of so that’s merely what I expect.” Perfection was the baseline of acceptability, so by definition I could never do any better than escape displeasure. 

Didn’t stop me from trying. Until I finally did and went NC.

I relate to everything you and countrygirl are saying about the role. We are the threat, the one with all the expectations on them, but also the one who finally gets out and tries to grow past it. Neither of my sisters did, and I don’t see it happening, honestly. We were the threat for good reason.

[countrygirl]

Cordelia, what you say:  "Perfection was the baseline of acceptability, so by definition I could never do any better than escape displeasure," really resonates for me. 

Also, when I was grown and  achieved anything,  my parents were indeed threatened, and then they tried to undermine me.  So, there was NO pleasing them.  As I've said before here, it reminds me of that old saying,  "I can't win for losing." 

They had some big problems, and they blamed me for their own failures.   I was supposed to succeed, so they could feel good about themselves; but I wasn't supposed to excel in anything except what they had picked for me, because them I was succeeding on my own, not just as an extension of them.   

I am so glad Jollyjazz has raised this topic.  It seems that lots of us can relate to it. 

[Lookin 2 B Free]

I listened to a few of the Jay Reid videos.  Boy does he hit the nail on the head!  Feeling bad about yourself, punishing yourself, feeling you deserve to be treated horribly ... these are actually adaptive in a childhood home where you're the scapegoat because then you're less affected each time the abuse happens.  Imagine that.  Terrible negative self beliefs were adaptive!   Well, I got that one right as a young person. 

Of course it's not adaptive anymore.  It's really harmful.  Too bad it's not as quick and easy to drop those beliefs as it was to pick them up. 

Still, I'm very grateful for the progress I've made.  I'll keep plugging away at it.

Thanks JJ and HappyPants!  I'm finding these videos really helpful!

[Call Me Cordelia]

Yes, and it’s also adaptive to be anxious and manifest poor self-esteem because then it shows the parent that their identification of the scapegoat as the worthless one is justified. If I beat myself down, they might not hit me as hard.

I’m listening through those videos too, and yes, these beliefs Jay Reid explains are ones that I’m really identifying with! They’re messing me up as an adult. The if I’m not productive I’m worthless and being one mistake away from disaster, especially.

[JollyJazz]

For me it helps to simplify life so I am in control of my own space to a reasonable extent.  This eliminates things going wrong all the time.   Not having to blame anyone or outside circumstances on my own issues helps me not feel triggered by having been blamed. 

Knowing I am not doing it to others and passing it down, helps me feel healed.

Hi 1Footoutofthefog,

Thanks for this!!! I am glad that you have found an approach that works well for you!!! 

[JollyJazz]

I've simplified life, also

other than going to the writing groups I'm in, I rarely go anywhere

Hi Jolie40,

Fair enough, if that is what works well for you!