They wanted me to end up a pregnant teen

[Call Me Cordelia]

The title says it all, really.

But that’s quite an accusation. But, for years it’s been  to me that my parents were so crazy overprotective about the dumbest stuff, and yet on school breaks and weekends I drove myself 45 minutes to go see my boyfriend, at his own apartment, and came home at 3 am and they never said a word. I was not allowed to walk a couple of blocks with my soccer team after school to get a sandwich before a game, but I was allowed to do that. Encouraged, even, to see him. Permission for that hour was never given, of course, and astoundingly no curfew was ever set. I just kept coming home later and later and never a word was said. They were in bed and never stirred. Despite them being notoriously light sleepers, and suffering insomnia when my sister was away at camp. No sex talk or expression of concern ever.

I was a religious teenager, youth group was my lifeline. Met my boyfriend there, in fact. My parents were fine with me being into youth group. They had social status to chase at church and it suited them. But when I would bring up stuff like, you know, offering due worship to God and rooting out sin, then I was told in no uncertain terms to majorly dial it down. I was constantly being called out for being holier-than-thou, which I honestly think was almost entirely projection. And pro-life issues became super important to me. I became president of my Catholic high school’s pro-life group, which they were embarrassed by, in large part because my mother’s whole uNPD family voted Democrat as part of their religion.

It was also a well established fact that they wanted more children. My mother suffered many pregnancy losses (which may have also been part of their issue with my being so into wanting to save unborn babies). I had a much much younger sibling.

If I had gotten pregnant, the SG child would have been shamed til kingdom come. The holy roller kid! They could have swooped in to the rescue and adopted the baby, even, if I wasn’t scared into an abortion. I would have owed them forever.

As churchy as I was, my sex Ed was simply, “Don’t do the thing that makes a baby until marriage.” Which, as inadequate as that message is, we didn’t. I was just so desperate to be loved.

Fast forward to my marriage (to someone else haha) and motherhood. Once I had more kids than they did, there was a marked change, they moved fully to discard mode. After NC my parents tried to get to my kids behind my back, paint themselves as the loving grandparents who were being wronged by their crazy daughter. All they cared about was seeing those kids whom they had discarded previously.

It sounds absolutely crazy, but it rings so true to me!

[SonofThunder]

CMC,

That is wonderful mindfulness deep thinking, using your understanding of PD behaviors and motives to parse the past.  Your ability to rise up and out, and look at that long period of time from end-to-end, analyzing the facts of the past alongside the hidden self-motives of your parents.  Skillfully investigating what occurred in your past and at the same time, focused observation of what did NOT occur. 

I carry a reminder card of wisdom from some sage that says:  "Master the art of observing ~ The true art of listening is to hear what was not said".  Imo, what is not said, not done, tells a much greater truth.   

Digging into your past is uncovering those truths like an archeologist.  Imo, those digs not only expose the motives behind my experiences, but also expose that decades of my life were guided by self-motives of my NPDf and flying-monkey mother. Therefore, I realize how foggy-confusing my childhood actually was, and I feel free to release the self-scrutinies of my crazy past, let them float down the foggy river and out of sight, and now focus on being the person that my maker designed. 

applause: to you! 

SoT

[NarcKiddo]

That is utterly bizarre, but I am not at all surprised. The PD world is crazy and upside down and impossible to understand.

I read somewhere, recently, that the children of PDs tend to dislike the book Alice in Wonderland because the craziness rings too true. I never liked it as a child and never managed to read the whole thing, but I have put it on my reading list now to see what I may learn from it.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Yeah I hate that book. There's a part where these people are in a kitchen flying full of pepper and spanking the baby for sneezing. 

Thank you for your kindness, both of you. I've been sweating putting this one out there because maybe I've reached the limits of even Out of the FOG's credulity. I  can't even tell you exactly how all those pieces fell together. I'm still gobsmacked. I can just imagine the contemptuous smirk that would have accompanied the announcement that they were going to be grandparents. 

It could also help explain why when I unexpectedly broke up with this bf my mother's reaction was, "oh thank God there were so many red flags there!!!" But she had NEVER given the slightest hint of a misgiving before then. My father is the one who would want to destroy me, and she would never cross him if he told her to let it be. Later he would continually call my DH by this ex-bf's name, even after I was married, they would both bring him up constantly and look at me significantly given half an opening or none at all... It fits. It really really fits. They think my deep dark secret is having sex with him and they're darned if I get away with it.

My DH won't watch whodunnits with me because I always figure it out immediately. I guess this is how I got those skills.

[moglow]

Our spidey senses are on point after all these years, aren't they. I'm a dab more cynical - I think they wanted to see us fail, some massive humiliation they could throw in our faces ever after.


Far from wanting to lift me up, mine gleefully pointed out any and everything that dragged me down, any supposed failure. Once she got her teeth into anything she didn't let it go, would bring it up at random times and in front of others (anyone she saw in my corner) forevermore.

[Andeza]

Ah yes, I was also raised in a "very religious" home. uBPDm was really just a giant hypocrite that liked to say all the right things to get praise from others and lived on the prayer request page of the church bulletin for the better part of a decade due to all her questionable health issues. Talk the talk but don't walk the walk. She was wild in her youth, parties, sleeping around, etc etc. It was the 70s and disco fever was a thing and she didn't come from a religious home, so I can't say I was surprised or even angry when I finally wrangled it out of her that she was a party girl. It was the era. But suddenly all her sly, "you can confide in me!" type questions about my relationship with DH, at that time my fiancé, suddenly clicked.

She couldn't stand the idea that we had waited and, in her eyes, done a better job than she had. She really truly wanted me to be just as she had been, making all the same mistakes, so she could feel better about herself. I was asked no fewer than four times if we had slept together before marriage. I finally told her apparently she wanted the answer to be yes because she kept on asking expecting it to change. That stopped it at last. Guess she finally realized that continuing to ask was insulting.

I think she's also very jealous that DH and I have two kids (I was an adopted only) with the third on the way. Of course, we're NC so I can only really theorize on that one, but when you know... you know. Moglow's right. They want some huge "failing" to throw back at us and taunt us with for decades thereafter to make themselves feel better. What kind of parent *wants* their kid to fail? Sick.

[easterncappy]

She really truly wanted me to be just as she had been, making all the same mistakes, so she could feel better about herself. I was asked no fewer than four times if we had slept together before marriage.

I guess that explains why my mom was hellbent on me dating and marrying every loser that came along.

I was raised in a non-religious home and became religious as an adult. My parents, like most PD's, had beliefs that were all over the damn place. Whatever was convenient at the given moment. For two people that habitually cheated on their spouses, screwed around, had no concept of sexual morality or that certain things are inappropriate to do/talk about in front of children... they sure were impressed that I adopted a religion (which is common in our culture but they are clueless about) where sex before marriage is generally discouraged. My mom bragged about my virginity to damn near everyone who would hear it. They took a lot of pride in raising a "good" daughter even though half of my reasoning for adopting this religious belief was "if I don't like how my parents are, I should probably do the opposite of what they did... oh, yeah, this is the opposite". I found it really gross and disturbing that she talked about me that way. But she'd go on and off between "my daughter is a virgin and yours has slept around!" and "women can do what they want, you have no right to judge them for sleeping around!" (I do not judge people for things like that as I consider other people's private bedroom activities their own business but my mom loves to talk about it).

Make it make sense. I always desperately wanted them to just be consistent. Pick one opinion and stick with it, even if you're wrong.

EDIT:

I will not state my opinions on abortion. I'm using the topic to illustrate a point about PD people.

My mom was super anti-abortion publicly, sometimes. Other times, she'd talk about how it's a woman's right to choose. Really inconsistent. I'll never forget when she told me she'd help me pay for an abortion if I got pregnant before I wanted to, days after boasting about how anti-abortion she is. Then she went back to being pro-abortion.

I also was supposed to uh, "do what I want". She once said "it's your (ugly word for lady parts), you can do what you want with it!". But also bragged about my virginity. She encouraged me to have sex with middle school boyfriends... but bragged about my decision to not do that sort of thing in my teens.

Make. It. Make. Sense.

[treesgrowslowly]

Call me Cordelia,

Thanks for bringing this up. This is one of the (many) differences between my PD FOO, and the 'normal' families...I could never explain any of this to people whose parents actually cared about their welfare.

They could not imagine having parents who showed zero concern when it came to things like getting pregnant as a teen, or being mistreated in dating relationships. This is because their parents, actually cared about their safety.

I was not the only teenage girl in our religious town who was set up to fail like this. We got yelled at for wanting to dye our hair or wear bright clothing, meanwhile, when we were out with boys, they didn't show any concern for us at all!

This was the opposite of what girls from more 'normal' families around me were going through at this age. All the 'concern' from my PD relatives, was about the most insignificant things (bright nail polish and other completely harmless stuff kids like). Looking back, there was zero concern for us when we were out with boys we didn't know (and they didn't know). It was the complete opposite of what kids and teens need from their parents.

It really reveals what their actual thinking was and where their priorities were. 

I am sorry that more than a few of us went through this as part of having disordered parents.

Trees

[Call Me Cordelia]

Yes, to so much of what you all said! Zero concern when it really mattered to our well-being, but yeah mine were worried about me painting my nails too! It really is mind-boggling. They wanted to feel superior. My good simply didn't enter into the equation at all. If our suffering makes them feel better, by all means necessary would they do that to us.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Our spidey senses are on point after all these years, aren't they. I'm a dab more cynical - I think they wanted to see us fail, some massive humiliation they could throw in our faces ever after.


Far from wanting to lift me up, mine gleefully pointed out any and everything that dragged me down, any supposed failure. Once she got her teeth into anything she didn't let it go, would bring it up at random times and in front of others (anyone she saw in my corner) forevermore.

Yeah, Moglow, I think mine were the same. My mother especially loved to say, “Oh, I ran into exbf…” in front of someone else. There was a narrative they wanted to establish that I was still in love with him years later that naturally made me really uncomfortable. And my discomfort was the “proof” that the narrative was true! 

Andeza: “They want some huge "failing" to throw back at us and taunt us with for decades thereafter to make themselves feel better. What kind of parent *wants* their kid to fail? Sick.“

This really says it all. My parents used to tell me that the other kids would never like me because I am better than them and they were envious. I could expect everyone to try to tear me down my whole life. It just clicked now that that was 100% projection. I’m so sorry you have parents like that too. It’s so sad because I wanted to have a happy family life, they couldn’t have had as many kids as they wanted perhaps but they had every opportunity to have a grandparents relationship with my kids and their envy spoiled everything for them.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Easterncappy: Wow that's super embarrassing that she would discuss your virginity with others. No boundaries, there. And the wildly swinging beliefs on these matters.  But whichever way she swung, I am noticing that same conspicuous absence of consideration for you! I'm so sorry. You deserve real love.

Trees, you summed it all up. Why should they care whether a boyfriend mistreated us when they did that day in and day out for our whole life?

[xredshoesx]

my mother had my half brother when she was 14.  this thread helps me better understand that hold her uPD parents had on her and how they used FOG to continue to pay for being human.  thank you all for your honesty.