Exhaustion from dealing with PDs

[countrygirl]

Hi,

I'm always telling myself and others who are dealing with PDs that life is too short, that interacting with PDS is so exhausting.   When they are chosen relationships, sometimes we can withdraw from them, but when we have to work with them professionally sometimes no contact iis not possible.  (And I realize that sometimes it's not possible personally, either.)  Yesterday, I had to tell a colleague that I saw through a plan she had to dupe me.  It was necessary  to let her know that I saw through her, but doing so was upsetting and today I feel so drained!   

I am also amazed that she tried this scheme again, because a very similar situation arose just a couple of years ago, and I wasn't duped then either.   I wonder why she is trying the same thing again?  Maybe it's just because that's her MO, and she can't change.  I also find the repetitiveness exhausting.   I am hoping that I did make things crystal clear to her  yesterday, but I won't be surprised if she doesn't try to pull something else down the road.   

It reminds me of the N friend from who I finally withdrew, thanks to the help I received here.  The N friend would sometimes lie to me about things, and once she repeated a lie within a period of a couple of weeks.  I told her she'd already used that one, and she looked stunned.  She said, "I did?"  But she did NOT apologize.  Of course she didn't, because she's an N! 

As in my friendships with PDs, I have tried to get along with the PD work friend, but each time I relax into thinking that we're over her duplicitous behavior, she pulls it again.  I was so conditioned to always be polite, by my PD parents, that even when I tell someone off, I tend to be polite.  Maybe that's why they feel free to try to use me again?  Or maybe they would do this with anyone?   

[Iamenoughmary]

countrygirl, I just want to send you a    You've had to deal with your friend, and now this.  I've been lucky in my older years and don't work. I did when I was younger and there's always the N's.  It seems there are so many N's everywhere or maybe I just learned more about them and what to look for,  after googling so often.  They do drain us, and I'm sorry after all you've been through you're going through more.  I hope others will have advice, maybe those who work outside the home.  I hope you have vacation time soon to relax. 

[countrygirl]

Thank you, neverenoughmary!   My post was so vague, too vague, I realize.   I was practically paranoid about giving details, resulting in a bloodless post!  Therefore, it's especially nice of you to have responded!  I appreciate the support!

[Catothecat]

There you are, minding your own business, when--ugh--the pot once again gets stirred!   When I was working it seemed there was always at least one narc or PD around with nothing better to do than stir up trouble.  And often it seemed they got away with their behavior because they were such experts at justifying it, and to complain about them or to them was usually pointless and then I'd end up feeling like I was somehow in the wrong.

And being polite in my comments--it seems they just take that as a weakness and it voided whatever I said.  Since I was also raised to always be polite because my dysfunctional parents were unable to have reasonable conversations with me and thus expected constant deference, I've never been able to shake the habit nor do I think I should.  But I learned to be both polite and firm, no wiggle room allowed, Yep, it can be draining and irritating and brings on constant ruminations over the encounter--which I hate--but on the other hand I appreciate the feeling that at least I dealt with it rather than let it go, which is something I would've done when I was younger.

They seem to exist in a world where everyone else owes them something, and are good at convincing us it's a fact.  But it's not a fact and we don't owe them anything beyond what is required in the moment.  In my experience, when they find they can't get any more out of you, they move on because their needs are so great they cannot afford to waste too much time fishing in a dry lake. 

*Hugs* from this end, too.  Things will get better (especially if you help nudge them along!) because nothing in life is static.

[Amy-Rose]

People's minds are a vortex of contradictions and brick walls it seems.
Weird thing. When we had rescue horses, management used electric fences to contain them in certain areas. The horse would touch the fence, get a slight zap and learn not to lean on the fencing. But every so often, a horse would touch it again. They just kept testing the fences every so often. They couldn't seem to learn, if they got a zap of it yesterday, they'd get one today, and tomorrow, and next week and next month. They did it just on the off hand the fence may not be working and they could lean on it, scratch their butts or escape.

It seems a mammal thing to keep trying that fence to see if it's let up. It's like people are thinking "can I scratch my butt today?". Some people seem to just be obtuse.

I also had a friend who liked to fabricate and I could always tell and told her so. Instead of thinking 'best not lie to the human lie detector' she would just keep lying. No sense in that!

It takes time. People have short memories and so they think you have too. People can be exhausting and just trying to understand them alone, can be draining.

Like you say, some relationships we can end or distance ourselves from...others we just have to learn to deal with. I wish I could explain 10% of people's behaviour, but they are too complicated for my simple brain.

Sorry to hear what you've been through and I'm hoping you're beginning to feel better after the lose of your friend.

Hugs from me.

[countrygirl]

Hi Catothecat and Amy-Rose!

Thank you so much for responding to my post. 

Yes, Catothecat, I agree that these sorts of people think they are owed something.   And if they find out they can't use you anymore, they tend to move on.I like the imagine of their needs being so great that they can't waste time fishing in a dry lake!

I am trying to assert myself more, and sometimes find that I become angry rather than firm.  I am going to take a page from your book, and practice being polite, but firm.  Right now, I sometimes start out being polite, and if that doesn't work, I become angry.  I don't really lose my cool, though.  No shouting or nastiness, but the anger is there, probably from years of being silenced by my family.  I also think that women in general are "taught" by society to be polite, and that often does not serve us well in life.

Hi Amy-Rose, Thank you  so much for remembering the death of my friend.  I still really miss her, and feel so sorry for her that she passed on after fighting her hardest to remain healthy.  She was released from the hospital just the day before she died!  (Was just in overnight.)  Since then, I've had a number of people tell me that they have known people who were released and then died.  I think one reason other people, including the one in this post, have exhausted me so much is that I'm especially drained from my friend's death.

I had to laugh about the electric fence, because I have an alpha filly who just pushed an electric fence down at her boarding farm.   She then stepped over it and went after the lush grass outside the paddocks area.  She did this twice, so I offered to put up stronger fencing, an offer which was accepted!   But "the mammal thing" of continuing to try still works here, since she pushed it down twice and would have continued doing so.

That's something about your friend continuing to lie even though she knew you were "the human lie detector."   Clearly, my colleague is just like your friend.  I don't know why I seem to think people will change once they realize the error of their ways!   And I have to say I'm the same way.  I can keep repeating behaviors which haven't worked--such as thinking that people will change, etc---even though I get the same unfortunate results!   


 

[LikeTheSea]

I agree. I've had more than my share of pd colleagues. It's horrible when you can't leave.

I don't know if this is helpful or not. Maybe you went this route before. I wouldn't confront this person anymore, I would use a work diary and note all odd behavior of this colleague. Then, I'd contact your supervisor and explain the problem and show them the diary entries.  If they do nothing, then go to HR.

IME, confronting a pd is not that effective. They don't care and will continue. It used to make me a target for more abuse. Getting them in trouble at work might be more effective.  Hope this person transfers or is fired.

[countrygirl]

Hi LiketheSea,

I like your user name, because I also like the sea!  I don't like my username.  Came up with it when I was contemplating a move to the country.  Wish I'd been more creative!

At any rate, thank you so much for the suggestion of keeping a dairy regarding this person.  I like that idea a lot.

And you are absolutely correct that confronting does no good.  In fact, I have discussed things with this woman I don't know how many times.  She can seem, sometimes, pleasant and understanding, but then always reverts.  This is what I found to be true with my malignant N friend.  I let her know how I was feeling about her words and actions, but it never changed a thing.  All that worked was withdrawing; the support of this board really helped me find the strength to do so.

[LikeTheSea]

Hello countrygirl, I like your name.   Am glad you're changing how you act towards this difficult co-worker.    I hope it works out for you.