Trying to make life changes with upd spouse

[11JB68]

For months updh and I have been considering downsizing from house to condo.
I've MCd most of it. 
Of course as uocpd he had to microanalyze it etc.  I was 50/50. We tabled it for a while,  then it came up again.  I really had pretty much decided I did not want to do it.  Mostly for reasons related to updh.
He decided he was leaning toward yes. I said I was less than 50/50. Then he did this thing... sometimes I think I'm reading too much into this but...I really think he uses manipulation to get me to agree.  He threw some financial  info at me and made it sound quite serious,  and caused me to feel that we really have no choice.  So i agreed.
At his request I found us a realtor,  we met with her,  and were ready to move forward.
Suddenly HE has changed his mind!
Rollercoaster.
And he got all worked up about having to get rid of stuff.... so while I was at work he took EVERYTHING out of our attic and put it all in our son's room.
Then called me at work told me not to 'yell at him' (??) And told me what he did.
This seems really off the rails to me....

[SonofThunder]

Hi 11JB68,

Im sorry you experience the turmoil. I don't believe you're reading too much into the situations. My stbx needs change to occur; constant change.  Still, even in this divorce process, her need for change continues to occur.  She will manufacture some reason or another why that change needs to occur in her life.  She will refuse to accept real responsibilities that she knows are coming her way in the near future, yet add new complexity to her life and then play victim to how everything is piled onto her plate.  When we were living together, the change was always promoted as an 'us' adventure, but when time came for any work to be done, i found myself alone with a long to-do list and excuses as to why she could not participate. 

Imo, PD's manufacture change and then manipulate others into caretaking behaviors, which provides a control energy feed to the PD.  Even the simplest things can be manipulated into complexity to give PD's the power fuel they thrive upon. 

The situation you described is familiar to me, because the PD is holding a joystick that controls movement;  forward, back, sideways, wherever, as they like to watch us non's be off balance while they change directions, while we use our own joystick to attempt to smooth out the tumultuous ride.  I can only control myself, but for now, adult marital rights of my uPD spouse are utilized by her in creative ways, to get me on the responsible hook to some of her self-chosen actions. 

SoT

[notrightinthehead]

I agree with the above. I found it very important to never loose sight of what you want yourself. My situation changed drastically when I stopped volunteering as an errand girl for my husband. If he made a decision that I would not have made, I refused to do the work. I let him know- your decision, you implement it.This was quite a shock for him. It led to some amazing temper tantrums and some melt downs. I stuck to my decision even if I was petrified, which I was.  But I also felt less abused with time.

[11JB68]

Thx everyone for your supportive feedback. 
Today he hauled all that stuff to our basement.  Multiple trips up And down two flights of stairs....
Interesting since he often acts as if he can barely move.
Also the projection and ...????.... of what he did yesterday.... if I did something like that while he was out, he would flip out!! And then to say'don't yell'.... because that's what HE would do....