Mother told she has a few months left

[butterflyrainbow]

So my mother's doctor told her yesterday that her condition has deteriorated to stage 5 kidney failure and she has a few months left.

He told us last year he expected her kidneys to last about another year, so this isn't news to us really.
But it is jarring to hear those words.

She's been in denial, telling herself that she could make it go away with diet, or a surgery. I told her before the appointment that her problem  isn't going to go away, her diet is just keeping it more manageable. She looked at me in shock, as if the docs hadn't told her that repeatedly in the past few months.

I guess I just needed to get this out. I dread the next few months. 

[NarcKiddo]

Wishing you strength as you navigate this.

A friend's father had kidney failure in his 80s. When he was considering whether to undergo dialysis the doctor told his son that in the doctor's experience, passing from kidney failure is a relatively benign way to go for most patients. I have no idea what that really means and the father opted for dialysis anyway. And however peaceful the physical process might be, there is still the mental process for the patient and all those involved with them.

[SunnyMeadow]

So my mother’s doctor told her yesterday that her condition has deteriorated to stage 5 kidney failure and she has a few months left.
I dread the next few months.

Like NarcKiddo wrote - I wish you strength as well. It's going to be a tough few months. Always keep your mental and physical health first and foremost in mind as you go through it. Take time to focus on yourself whenever you need to.

♥

[butterflyrainbow]

Wishing you strength as you navigate this.

A friend's father had kidney failure in his 80s. When he was considering whether to undergo dialysis the doctor told his son that in the doctor's experience, passing from kidney failure is a relatively benign way to go for most patients. I have no idea what that really means and the father opted for dialysis anyway. And however peaceful the physical process might be, there is still the mental process for the patient and all those involved with them.

Thank you for the good wishes and info, NarcKiddo.
Unfortunately, Dialysis is not possible due to other health issues.  Doc said she will have no quality of life, hate him, and hate herself. So it's meds and palliative care from here on. I've also been told this is a relatively peaceful way to go. But she always complains  of intolerable pain and rarely looks on the bright side of life, so I expect that won't change and probably get worse. She just had tests that ruled out cancer or some other issue causing the pain, so I don't know how much of it is real and how much is her exaggerating. She's been on a cleaning binge all week, yet she told the docs and me that she is miserable with pain. Story of my life with her. I stay confused about whether to take it seriously or not. 😔

Like NarcKiddo wrote - I wish you strength as well. It's going to be a tough few months. Always keep your mental and physical health first and foremost in mind as you go through it. Take time to focus on yourself whenever you need to.

♥

SunnyMeadow, Thank you for the kind words and reminder to take care of myself. My plan is to do exactly that. She's estranged from my sibling and most of the family, so I'm all she's got, and I plan on taking advantage of any services needed  from here on.

This doc visit really hit hard though. I haven't told our kids yet. Not looking forward to that.

[bloomie]

butterflyrainbow - just getting caught up here and count me as another who offers you strength and wisdom in the coming days. I am very sorry your mother and your family are facing this news.

It is good to hear that you are already planning to take advantage of services to assist your mom and to also take good care of yourself.  My hope is that you will remain steadfast in your resolve when the demands increase.

It seems like your mom has left a lot of business with her family undone. It is possible her pain and the cleaning binges are a physical manifestation of why she is firmly staying in denial about the limited time she has left.

For everyone's sake, we can only hope your mom will clean up her messes in this final chapter of her life. That she will use this time wisely. Either way, if she does or does not, you still can. My own mother had a long goodbye and I used that time to move through so many levels of grief and process so much, so that when she did die, I was at peace and she, finally is too.

Please let us know as you are able how you are doing.

[butterflyrainbow]

Bloomie, thank you for your encouragement and kindness. I'm trying not to cry.
She is now in hospice care, maybe going into an assisted living situation if she is accepted.
It's been a horrible couple weeks with ER, DNRs, her decision to only get comfort care, suicide statements, psych evals, hospice mixups, drama from so called "family" who hadn't seen her in years, and trying to get her to accept comfort care meds.

We've talked a lot the past couple days. Well, she talked nonstop and I occasionally get in a response to acknowledge her pain then redirect her positively. She is convinced she is worthless and no one wants her, has admitted she likes being catered to, has revealed her bad angry side but also her good, sweet side. How much of her behavior is her vs toxins, I don't know. So I err on the side of toxins and get on with what I must do to get care for her.

I gave her credit for not continuing the family dynamic she came from of intentional neglect and abuse and violence.  It damaged her and unfortunately that damaged her ability to fully mother her own children, but I know she didn't do it intentionally, that she really wanted to be her mother's opposite. And for me that is enough to forgive her. I think she is very very  damaged and whatever her Dx is, I can at least try to comfort her.

[butterflyrainbow]

annnnnnd not 10 minutes after I posted the above I wished I hadn't.


   

[FromTheSwamp]

I hope you're doing okay, butterflyrainbow.  This stuff is tough.

[SunnyMeadow]

We've talked a lot the past couple days. Well, she talked nonstop and I occasionally get in a response to acknowledge her pain then redirect her positively. She is convinced she is worthless and no one wants her, has admitted she likes being catered to, has revealed her bad angry side but also her good, sweet side. How much of her behavior is her vs toxins, I don't know. So I err on the side of toxins and get on with what I must do to get care for her.

I gave her credit for not continuing the family dynamic she came from of intentional neglect and abuse and violence.  It damaged her and unfortunately that damaged her ability to fully mother her own children, but I know she didn't do it intentionally, that she really wanted to be her mother's opposite. And for me that is enough to forgive her. I think she is very very  damaged and whatever her Dx is, I can at least try to comfort her.

This is good butterflyrainbow. Hopefully you're both able to say what you need to say. This end of life time is tough. Still thinking of you and wishing you peace as you go through it.

[butterflyrainbow]

She's gone. She got her way one last time. It was horrible and peaceful at the same time.
She said her goodbyes and was sweet with us. She died listening to my dad's favorite song. A fitting end to her tragic life, I guess.

Now I'm dealing with all her crap. Literally and metaphorically speaking...her hoards and also all the people she was estranged from, my " family" who all assumed I was her flying  monkey. They just dropped me instead of talking it out.

[FromTheSwamp]

I'm sorry for your loss.  I'm sad to hear most of the family dropped you like this, and that you have so much work ahead of you. 

[Poison Ivy]

I too am sorry for your loss and that all the work was dumped on you.

[moglow]

I'm glad her passing was peaceful, and that she found some sweetness for you. I'm sure that helps ease some of what you're dealing with now. Being able to find that place where we're compassionate instead of frustrated and angry is always a good thing.

There's no way to know what may have been said to other family members over the years or what they may have invented on their own. Loss never seems to bring out the good in some - you just keep on with needs doing and as best you can instead of the what ifs and if onlys. Last time I had to deal with loss and disordered people I had the serenity prayer on repeat in my mind.

Wishing you much peace as you work through all this.

[SunnyMeadow]

Now I'm dealing with all her crap. Literally and metaphorically speaking...her hoards and also all the people she was estranged from, my " family" who all assumed I was her flying  monkey. They just dropped me instead of talking it out.

I'm glad she was sweet with you and able to say her goodbyes. At least you have that in mind as you go through all her stuff.

I sure do relate to the family who assumed you were her flying monkey. I had that too and I actually probably was a flying monkey. I really didn't think to question my mom about the things she said about others. I was all in her camp of "these people are awful to me". Give yourself some grace for this, if it happened. I never thought my mom would lie to meeee! But she did. I reached out to family after she died and briefly explained that we had our challenges over the years and I also mentioned that I had to delete various social media because of her. It was well received and now I have relationships with them again! If you want to, give these people a chance to reach out to you. It's worked out better than I thought it would.

Hugs to you butterflyrainbow.

[butterflyrainbow]

Sunnymeadow, Funny, you experienced similar to what is happening with me now.
I called my sister first, despite several years of no contact. I felt she deserved to hear from me before anyone else knew mom died. We talked a long time, and assumptions and misunderstandings somewhat laid  to rest. I'm still very cautious with her though. She told me a couple things that I discovered were lies after I called  the other relatives and talked with them. Even so, it seems we will be able to restore our relationships somewhat.  They all now know that I wasn't the favorite child they thought I was. I just handled it differently than they did.

As a counselor told me a couple weeks ago, " Abuse is abuse. It doesn't matter if it happened once or many times."  I may not have been abused as often as my sis, but I was abused too.

Moglow, I keep the serenity prayer in mind too over the years. It has good reminders!

Hope you all have a good day today. Thanks for reading and supporting me. I've gotten a lot of validation here and from medical professionals and now family that what I experienced with my mom was not all in my head. I'm not crazy after all!

[NarcKiddo]

I'm sorry for your loss. Wishing you peace as you navigate the aftermath and life going forward.

Hugs.