So my dad is strongly hinting at me giving him one of my kidneys but…

[kethartikt0kb00m]

My dad has had declining health as he gets up there in age. He's 76 and any health complications, you name it, he probably has it. The recent complication is his kidney going bad and going to dialysis. He will be doing so for the remainder of his life unless someone can give him a kidney.

Years ago, when this issue arises, the entire family signed consent to offer theirs if they were compatible. None of us are as it stands. However, my dad wants to go through with an operation anyways because he doesn't want to go through dialysis forever.

I'm not sure if he asked anybody else but he heavily suggests me giving him one whenever i'm around lately. He's not one to ever ever directly ask straight out-no no he's too prideful for that. He'll just randomly strike a casual convo about how the situation is and unless someone gives him a kidney he will do dialysis forever. I know him enough to know he wants me to just offer up mine without him ever asking outright and save him the embarrassment and hassle of communicating but this is putting me in a bit of a dilemma.

You see, in the beginning of all this, i was more than happy to offer one  my kidneys to my dad. But after some time my feelings changed. A lot has happened and things were done and said that can't be undone. It's starting to feel like he thinks he is entitled to my time, energy and ...practically anything. I have made this very easy for him to believe this to be honest. I try to put up a boundary but it won't work.  I'm in my 30s and live in his house, so he'll push back with shame and guilt and a bit of rage and I fall apart and give way. Because of this he's never seen me as someone who can stand up for myself.  He knows that when push comes to shove, any differences i show in the family that threatens the family super self, he'll turn it into a war where I'm in the wrong and threatens me about needing to move out. I consistently help pay the bills but he treats me like i'm still a teenager when it suits him and it's demeaning.

It's the same song and dance but now, I'm afraid he might do this with a serious issue. Im not sure he asked anyone else in the family but me. My other two brothers , both in their 30s, has never been reliable. The oldest one is a suspected NPD who took money from my dad and hasn't returned it since. My dad never forgot it and though he badmouths him to me when he isn't around, he still speaks with my brother as if nothing is wrong. My youngest is a shut-in who hasn't communicated with the family for two years now. He doesn't bother asking either anyway because i'm the responsible one. My feelings about it changed because ever since his diagnosis, he's been eating unhealthy processed foods, never try to get up and exercise , and he just sits around his chair all day long like he doesn't care about his own health. This worries me because even if I were  to agree, it wouldn't change that he is set in his ways and it wouldn't matter because it'll go to waste.

What's more alarming is my recently my sus NPD brother offered my dad a kidney. My dad declined my brother's offer! This confused me. He says he doesn't trust him, and that he is only trying to make up for the money he took from him. I'm thinking "So what?" Let me get this straight, my father is guilt tripping me to offer help without him having to ask himself, but then family comes along and offers theirs and he won't even think about it!?! What is wrong with this man? Seriously! This disturbed me on so many levels and made me realize this is still about leverage and games with him. It's possible that he can power play with my brother using the money incident against him, for some sick reason. But if my brother did the kidney transplant my father can't do that  anymore, i'm guessing? a they both are alike and are stubborn and uses the dysfunctional family to spin narratives like webs and i'm honestly just trying to differentiate myself from this cycle.

I feel scared as though with all this progress and learning myself, if I fold now to this display of power and control i will regret it. Apart of me wants to believe maybe my dad will realize how much I care and stop being the way he is, but realistically I know he will still devalue me after getting what he needs and i'll feel exploited. It doesn't help that if I don't go through with it, i most likely might be guilt tripped by flying monkeys who will tell me "family first" and "your dad needs you" without realizing what kind of dad i have.

Any thoughts about NPD parents and medical matters like this would be greatly helpful and welcomed. Any similar stories as well. It just helps to share with people who understand the narcissistic side effects of this.

[moglow]

I'm gonna boil this one all the way back to:

when this issue arises, the entire family signed consent to offer theirs if they were compatible. None of us are as it stands.

Not compatible is a NO. Unless I misunderstand, the odds of rejection and him being left with no kidney at all are probably much higher as a result, IF a reputable surgeon were willing to implant from an incompatible donor in the first place. Possibly for an otherwise healthy person without considerable preexisting conditions, but in this case? Doubtful. So for what it's worth I'm with you - no.

I know that's not what he wants to hear, and I know it wouldn't stop this freight train in his mind.

[NarcKiddo]

 

Not compatible makes this a non-issue and there is no need to say anything further. "Terribly sorry, Dad. No can do. Not compatible."

[easterncappy]

People have some weird misconceptions about organ donation. "You only need one!". Well, technically? But for the rest of your life, you will probably need to watch what you eat and drink as well as being more prone to kidney problems yourself. You have two for a reason. There is also a chance that your dad's body would reject yours or, I hate to say it, it'd add like a year or two to his life... and a decades of having to life carefully to your life. I wouldn't do it. Especially not if I was posting on a website about having abusive parents... you're here for a reason.

[Srcyu]

He has zoned in on the child most likely to say, 'yes.' He believes it is your 'place' to cave in and agree.

I believe it's fairly pointless to donate if non compatible, the organ will be rejected.
My bpd parent would have expected that from me too - the least important and most keen to please. Manipulation at its most unpleasant.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Wow. Emotional vampire to the max. He'll get you to sacrifice your literal body parts... and then reject them. 

[Sneezy]

You know, there are people out there who donate a kidney to a complete stranger.  God bless them.  But I am not one of those people.  I am a good and kind person and I will not, and will never, give a kidney to anyone, except one of my children or maybe my husband.  I don't know why there is this conception that "a good person" will donate a body part to someone else, but in my opinion that is total BS.  There is a reason we evolved with two kidneys and I intend to keep mine.  Further, at age 76, even if you were a good match with your dad, this is pretty risky surgery and there's a good chance your dad won't get many years of use out of your sacrifice.  Honestly, even if someone was found who is a good match for your dad there is a good chance that no doctor would perform the surgery.  Transplants are for the young.  I hope that doesn't sound cruel and heartless, but if I ever do donate a body part to anyone, I want it to go to someone young who can get some mileage out of it.

This is simply a ridiculous and manipulative request from your dad.  Is it possible for you to start making plans towards moving out?  The sooner you can gain your independence and get some space between you and your dad, the better off you will be.  I know it's hard, especially in today's economy, but it's something to think about working towards.  Best to you!

P.S. Organ donation after death is obviously a whole different story.  When I die, I hope some use can be found for all my organs.  But in the meantime, I'm keeping them.

[Liketheducks]

 

That is BANANAS.    No medical professional will do this surgery.   INCOMPATIBLE.   

The level of entitlement........

[easterncappy]

You know, there are people out there who donate a kidney to a complete stranger.  God bless them.  But I am not one of those people.  I am a good and kind person and I will not, and will never, give a kidney to anyone, except one of my children or maybe my husband.  I don't know why there is this conception that "a good person" will donate a body part to someone else, but in my opinion that is total BS.  There is a reason we evolved with two kidneys and I intend to keep mine.  Further, at age 76, even if you were a good match with your dad, this is pretty risky surgery and there's a good chance your dad won't get many years of use out of your sacrifice.  Honestly, even if someone was found who is a good match for your dad there is a good chance that no doctor would perform the surgery.  Transplants are for the young.  I hope that doesn't sound cruel and heartless, but if I ever do donate a body part to anyone, I want it to go to someone young who can get some mileage out of it.

This is simply a ridiculous and manipulative request from your dad.  Is it possible for you to start making plans towards moving out?  The sooner you can gain your independence and get some space between you and your dad, the better off you will be.  I know it's hard, especially in today's economy, but it's something to think about working towards.  Best to you!

P.S. Organ donation after death is obviously a whole different story.  When I die, I hope some use can be found for all my organs.  But in the meantime, I'm keeping them.

Not to make this about my own strange mother, but once she had a friend whose adult daughter needed a kidney. My mom went on this rant about how selfish people were for not wanting to give the kidney, really acting like people are cruel for not wanting to give away a body part. When I asked her if she would be willing to get tested to see if she's compatible so she could give the young woman a kidney, she said no way. Yes, she's personality disordered, but pretty much nobody wants to part with a body part that they need to be able to fully function, unless it's for someone they really love and hold dear. For me, I can imagine doing that for my husband or children, but pretty much no one else. No one is a bad person for not wanting to part with a organ they need. A person's quality of life is lowered so much if they only have one kidney. And to do this for someone who is so bad that you ended up on a forum for people who experience child abuse, absolutely no way.

[Hattie]

Good grief, don't do it! Doesn't sound like it's possible in any case. But bless him, he's 76! It just doesn't make sense. My old man lived till the age of 59 and that seemed like a grand old innings to me. I can understand a parent giving a kidney to a child (not that they should feel obliged) but not vice versa.

[Cat of the Canals]

I'm gonna boil this one all the way back to:

when this issue arises, the entire family signed consent to offer theirs if they were compatible. None of us are as it stands.

Not compatible is a NO. Unless I misunderstand, the odds of rejection and him being left with no kidney at all are probably much higher as a result, IF a reputable surgeon were willing to implant from an incompatible donor in the first place.

I was confused about this too, until I remembered that there's a system in which kethartikt0kb00m, not being a match for dad, can donate a kidney into the organ transplant system. They will find a match for that kidney, and then dad gets bumped up on the receiving list and is all but guaranteed a matched kidney from someone else. I'm guessing that's what's being suggested here.

Regardless, I don't think I'd be willing to donate a kidney to an NPD family member. The narcs I know have taken enough from me. I'm keeping my kidneys, thanks. I DEFINITELY would refuse to donate for an NPD family member who was also elderly and in poor health and doing nothing to improve it. Hard pass.

[kethartikt0kb00m]

Is it possible for you to start making plans towards moving out?  The sooner you can gain your independence and get some space between you and your dad, the better off you will be.

I have a plan in place to move though it will require two years until I get my degree and move out. I don't intend on keeping contact with the family when I go either being it's a family stuck in a dysfunction none of them realize or care to change. Actually, this is the only place I've ever shared this plan. In 2024 I'll be licensed as an LPN and in 2025 as an RN and after I'm move to another state away from where I am where I have a support system. Thanks for asking!  I trust that things will work out for the best.

Thanks to everyone to shared your thoughts. 🙏

[Boat Babe]

If I get to 76 and start to experience kidney failure I would take a big deep breath and think that I'd had a damn good run for my money and be grateful for dialysis if it gave me a few extra years with a reasonable quality of life. I would NEVER expect my adult child to offer up their kidney for me at the age of 76, NEVER.

Your family sounds horribly dysfunctional and you would benefit from a greater understanding of the dynamics and pathology of personality disorders, especially cluster B ones. You also need a crash course in managing yourself around these people and the toolbox on this website is invaluable.

Wishing you much strength as you navigate this time.