How I'm feeling while the PD wife is away

[IsleOfSong]

Just some random observations about this week, as my PD wife is on the road for work. She's actually in Europe, so the significant time difference (I'm in the western US) limits our phone/text interactions and gives me and our 15-year-old son long stretches of relative solitude.

Do I miss the walking on eggshells? Hell no. Do I miss the potential for chaos and disagreements between her and our son? Definitely not.

Do I miss her? Honestly, nope — even though she's been "better" since I *finally* told her in December that her consistently poor behavior has led me to contemplate leaving her. The niceness is just another manipulation, although she's kept it up for almost 6 weeks now.

"Enjoy it while it lasts" is the advice I've been given, but that seems hollow. What I want to enjoy is this feeling of peace — my evenings free of her distractions, her catastrophizing minor things, her awkward attempts to feign interest in me, and her stream-of-consciousness rambling — for much longer than "while it lasts."

Maybe by journaling this peaceful easy feeling here, I'll get there sooner and finally create a more fulfilling life for myself, on my own terms. Fingers crossed.

[Pepin]

Just some random observations about this week, as my PD wife is on the road for work. She's actually in Europe, so the significant time difference (I'm in the western US) limits our phone/text interactions and gives me and our 15-year-old son long stretches of relative solitude.

Do I miss the walking on eggshells? Hell no. Do I miss the potential for chaos and disagreements between her and our son? Definitely not.

Do I miss her? Honestly, nope — even though she's been "better" since I *finally* told her in December that her consistently poor behavior has led me to contemplate leaving her. The niceness is just another manipulation, although she's kept it up for almost 6 weeks now.

"Enjoy it while it lasts" is the advice I've been given, but that seems hollow. What I want to enjoy is this feeling of peace — my evenings free of her distractions, her catastrophizing minor things, her awkward attempts to feign interest in me, and her stream-of-consciousness rambling — for much longer than "while it lasts."

Maybe by journaling this peaceful easy feeling here, I'll get there sooner and finally create a more fulfilling life for myself, on my own terms. Fingers crossed.

This is how I feel when DH is out of town.  He's a mother enmeshed son and has been fumbling ever since CN MIL died last year.  Seems to have no sense of self and has become more annoying than ever.  Asks dumb questions, is noisy, annoying and plays the woes me card when the kids don't ask him for help or want to talk to him.  Gee.  If he would just focus on himself for a change (inner work, eat healthy and quietly, exercise, hobbies, etc.), things would be so much better but he has such a hard time staying on his side of the road.

I say similar....when the cat is away, the mice will play.  Though this last trip he took, I discovered he partook in some adult entertainment that he lied about.  I am truly devastated.  And he did (and has done) exactly what a mother enmeshed son does: seek solace in fantasy and avoids inner work.  While I felt better when he traveled, now I don't trust him anymore.  It just never ends and I'm about to call it quits. 

[square]

IOS, my takeaway from your post is that you are emotionally ready to make the split. An empty marriage is not good enough anymore, and you are just done with it. You are not taken in by false "better behavior."

Are you making your plans and keeping moving? Even if you are waiting for her to slip before leaving, you can have your ducks in a row and when the day comes (whether she slips or you're just done waiting), you're ready.

[IsleOfSong]

IOS, my takeaway from your post is that you are emotionally ready to make the split. An empty marriage is not good enough anymore, and you are just done with it. You are not taken in by false "better behavior."

Are you making your plans and keeping moving? Even if you are waiting for her to slip before leaving, you can have your ducks in a row and when the day comes (whether she slips or you're just done waiting), you're ready.

Yeah, the ducks are more or less in a row on my end, or as much as I think they'll ever be. Her re-entry after nine days away could lead to a slip back into nastiness, at least if the past is any indication.

At the same time, I do think it's valuable for me to journal (or at least post here) how it feels to be solo, and how much happier I am when I'm on my own. I mean my son has been with me too, but our interactions have been peaceful and stress-free in her absence. That's not going unnoticed.

[square]

Absolutely.

Believe me, when I'm in a stressful situation with anyone other than my husband (like getting lost or being late), I just marvel nonstop how easy it is to manage when I'm not getting yelled at, blamed, and all that crap.

[InTheDragonsDen]

Hi IsleofSong!! WoW!!! Enjoy the "battery recharge"!!!!

You are on top of your mountain and that is all that matters!!!

Enjoy!!!

[escapingman]

I remember when I was living with STBX how I felt whenever she left the house, which was almost never, there was always a reason she needed to be at home. But when she started her gym regime and spent all mornings there I loved my mornings, then she came home and it all crumbled as I never knew what kind of mood she would be in.

I used to work away a lot in the past, I remember the huge sigh of relief every time I got in the taxi to the airport or when I eventually got through security after she insisted to drive me (so she could bait me all the way to the airport). Anyway, I think one of the reason I lasted so long in the relationship was these regular recharges when away for work, when I changed work and started to mainly work from home things rapidly started to go downhill and I had to invent trips to get away from her. I stopped asking for permission and just told her I was going, she was never leaving the house anyway, and if I asked she would "forget" anyway and make a scene about it.

But IsleOfSong, yes it is bliss to get some time away from the PD - use the strength wisely and don't let her drag you back down under when she is back.

[downwiththefog]

@ IsleOfSong
your post made me remember the rare peaceful times when we were apart.
The feeling of being able to do things without someone checking on me, my time and ready to start an endless stream of issues !

Great that the time difference helps you.

Because I realised how she kept me on the hook by phone texting many times.
I have wasted mornings while working from home when she is out "working" (in quotes as she can't be really busy) and keeps messaging me lamenting what i did wrong in our relationship.

Enjoy your freedom and I hope it helps you too to make some FOG disappear