Sharing About my Trauma Seems to Have Amplified its Effects

[atticusfinch]

Hello all, it's been a while since I've been on here, so thanks in advance for listening!

I went back to graduate school a few years ago, in a creative field, and chose to write about how PD parents are depicted in the media/literature for my graduate thesis. I had good intentions about using my thesis to dispel some myths about abuse, as it seems that having more accurate depictions of abuse/personality disorders out there could only help people recognize it more quickly and effectively. My advisor suggested that my thesis would be more effective if I shared examples from my own life, having grown up with a PD mother. 

I liked the idea of making the abuse I suffered actually help someone else--I guess to make it feel less senseless? Because some influential creators would be reading my thesis and/or watching my lecture, it seemed like a good opportunity to put in a plug for more accurate representations of the mind-bending experience of growing up with a PD parent, and to help empower kids, since it seems like there are very few good movies/books out there that do it well.

The lecture and thesis went well, as I had an overwhelmingly positive reaction to them. Several people told me afterward that they'd had similar experiences and that what I had said helped them in some way. However, there was a bit of a subtle blow-back as well. My program (and the field I'm in) has a very high proportion of women--up to 90% (I am also a woman)--and it's a very, very competitive field. Many of these people make content for kids and teens, and sometimes I feel like the professional culture feels like a junior high, with gossip and backstabbing that has actually ruined several careers.

So I found myself dealing with several things.

One, I think the lecture and thesis re-surfaced my trauma and caused me to relive it over and over while I was revising/editing the thesis. Two, even though I tried to choose my words carefully and compassionately, there was still a part of myself that felt like I was betraying my parents, which also has led to some ongoing trauma over worries that despite confidentiality rules, someone who may be jealous of me or want to get ahead could tell my parents about what I wrote/said (the school is across the country from where they live, but it's the digital age, right?).

And lastly, there is a sort of mean girl (she's in her forties, but it's never too late to be mean, I guess) in my contingent who has a cultural background that values loyalty to parents above all else, and who seems put off by anything related to mental health, and who is also very ambitious and socially climbing/powerful who seems to use gossip to sort of weed out her competition. I think what was partially so traumatic about the whole experience, was that this woman basically used my lecture to paint me as a "downer" (my NPD ex-husband filed for sole custody of our kids while I was in the program, so I'm sure I was kind of a downer at times, but I'm normally a happy person) and ice me out of a lot of the social aspect of our school (I wasn't the only person who had an abuse-related topic--two other women did, too, and they both seem to have been somewhat ostracized too). If it were just a social thing, that is one thing (and I would normally steer clear of her type), but this program was very expensive, and part of the value of it is the networking it allows creatives to do, and now, instead of feeling more networked, I actually feel like maybe I'm even worse off than when I started.

So basically, it dredged up a bunch of trauma, that I was then mocked/ridiculed for by a small but powerful group in my school, in addition to the painful feelings I was having about betraying my family, which left me more isolated and just amplified the trauma. I think I've also subconsciously waiting for my parents to somehow find out what I wrote/said about them (even though its technically confidential), and it's really done a number on my psyche.

Over the same period of time, my grandmother passed away. I grew up next door to her, and she was my relief valve whenever my mom was raging at home, so her importance in my life was huge and her loss has been hard to cope with. After she passed away, I purchased her house from the family estate, not knowing that my dad really wanted to buy it. Since then, our relationship has been somewhat strained, because he has been more icy toward me and more critical (at a time when I really just need love and support) of me, my parenting, and especially how I take care of my grandma's house. Years of NPD abuse from my mom has made his ego super fragile, and I think one reason he is critical of the way I take care of the house is because it is his subconscious way of telling himself that he could have done it better--as a way to make himself feel better that the family didn't sell it to him (even though he didn't even ask to buy it). He was the empathetic one when I was growing up, and I was really close to him, so this has been another blow. He has become grumpy, jaded, depressed, and can be pretty passive aggressive over dumb things (like--he decided to rename my cats. Every time he comes over, he calls them the names he made up for them and ignores their actual names. It's weirdly hurtful).

I don't know if anyone has any tips for me? I'm struggling so hard right now and can't seem to break myself out of the worst depression of my whole life. 

[hhaw]

Aw, atticus.  One of the most destructive forces is experiencing members of one's inner circle turning on them.  I'm sorry your dad is triggered and unable to see through his own pain.  Losing your beloved GM makes it many times harder to lose your father's.......clarity and care. 

I'll say it again, you're an Amazon warrior to navigate the path you're on as well as you have. 

I hope the mean girl "set backs" turn into unexpected opportunities.....somehow.

They aren't everyone and I bet they've made many enemies....one can never know what's going to happen.  Sometimes terrible events lead to victory, ime.

Sometimes accepting reality leads to unexpected doorways.....not trying to blow sunshine....just say'in.  It happens.  It's happened to me, many times.  I've learned to stop judging and to release expectations....to accept what I can't change so I ruminate less and fear into the future, hopefully, not at all, but it's ongoing practice.

You're so bright and talented.

I imagine your happiness enrages your ex and he  shakes you like a bug in a jar, compulsively.

Remember....a Judge saw things your way.  Judges reaally like to keep the status quo in place.

I hope the PD's new wife isn't keen to punish you and control your children, I really do.  If so, you'll deal with it, bc that's what you do.  It's what you've always done. 

Breathe, dear One.  It's going to be ok.





   

[Leonor]

Hi Atticus!

Oh graduate school in any field is a trauma itself. I'm only half kidding. It just seems to attract these power hungry collapsed narcissists who get off on demeaning and excluding one another in this small, isolating circle of competition over the most insignificant things. So many of us go into grad school so excited and passionate about our fields, and bond over the fact that we don't have "normal" career paths, and are up to our ears in debt to boot ... But the ones who stay long term in this environment get twisted into very narrow minded, snobbish and stunted people. And they are very passive aggressive - it was in the humanities, super woke profs who told me outright that if I got married or had a baby or had another baby (aha, and then *another*!) that my career would be over and I'd spend my life as a bitter, frustrated, unfulfilled woman. It's almost like the emo or nerdy kids get together and then recreate the very same mean environment they experienced in high school to turn on one another. 

So, congratulations on your thesis and graduation! You did it! Now get out. And all these experiences are now raw material you can create in your art. You're not alone - all the tv shows and movies and literature about the young idealist and the narcissist surgeon / law school dean / creative writing professor ... It's your story.

And it is your story, so no one else has any right to judge you or question you or look askance at you for expressing and manifesting it as you feel it must be expressed and manifest. They're either triggered into their own trauma or suffering a vicarious narcissist injury, so whatevs. Really. You've come through much worse ... You can look at them and think, Is that all you got?

I'm so sorry to hear that you are unsupported by your dad and for the loss of your dear grandmother. It is very hard, if not unrealistic, to expect people who come from your family system to rally around you when you start to explore that system. Your mother was abusive, but your father married her, and your grandmother either raised her or the man who fell in love with her, so they are not likely going to have the same clarity and health as you do. Being a sympathetic neighbor or housemate is not that big an ask for an adult whose child is being abused by another adult. That's not loving. It is a painful, excruciating truth, but if they couldn't be bothered to step in and say, "Enough, I'm taking Atticus out of this environment because your behavior towards her is unacceptable" when you were a tender lovely powerless little girl, they're probably not going to support you now. Enabling parents are not the "nice one," they're just covert. That's what you're observing now in your dad: without the foil of your mom's overt cruelty, your dad is dropping his mask. Renaming your cats. Seriously. That is a grandmaster petty passive aggressive move. You don't have to stand for any of that nonsense.

You are coming out into the light, warmth and vibrancy of life. Your art is serious, profound, and honest. You are talented enough and driven enough and sane enough to be perceived as threatening to small-minded, insecure people. Bless their heart! You move forward in your art, tending to your little Atticus, and snuggling with your kitties and knowing that the world needs to hear your story just as you tell it.

[Liketheducks]

It would be completely normal to experience amplified emotions around your trauma.  Not just in reliving it through your school work, but also the betrayal.   The only suggestion I can give, is perhaps there is more processing to be done to make those triggers less intense?