I'm not sure why she's behaving like this

Iamenoughmary · February 11, 2023, 06:08:10 AM

My last post I said I had told my friend to call this past week, and I told her I'd talk a short while. I set a boundary and I am sticking to it. Three hours is to long for me on the phone

She says by text when I asked if she was calling, that she's been visiting people and she 'forgot' and will write herself a note to call. All that complaining that she has to hear my voice...lol and it didn't matter to her at all

Is this manipulation, gaslighting, or what?

Srcyu · February 11, 2023, 07:37:02 AM

I think it's, 'what?'
Definitely manipulation too. She wants to hear your voice - when it suits her. I've had a neighbour literally follow me around the supermarket just so she can tell me about her wonderful son. Other times I get blanked completely because she is talking to someone else.

My daughter was once blanked by her own grandmother at Sunday school because she was in a busy rush.
Grandmother then complained later that my daughter didn't speak to her in church (where people were watching).

It all has to be danced to their tune.

Iamenoughmary · February 11, 2023, 09:06:13 AM

Windmill, Thank you! Yes, you're right. It's when it suits them! That's sad the neighbor did that to you. It's all about them and what they wish to chat about. Its rude also! Very nasty of your daughters grandmother.

Seems like she needed everyone to see but dismissed your daughters feelings

It's just unreal the behavior they show and care nothing about others feelings.

Thank you again

countrygirl · February 11, 2023, 12:01:24 PM

Hi neverenoughmary,

I'm so sorry that your friend is behaving this way after pushing you so much to talk, saying she needed to hear your voice, etc.

It's definitely true that Ns in particular just want what they want, when they want it. Nor is their behavior supposed to have any consequences. If you pointed out to your friend that it's odd and rude that she pushed you so much to talk, but then never called you, she would just say that of course she wanted to talk with you, and would call you when she was free to do so.

I think she's also trying to get back at you for asserting your rights. Now that she got you to agree to do what she wants, she wants to be the one to hold the reins, so she claimed she'd "forgotten" and had been visiting others. I think saying that she would write herself a note to remind her to call you is really outrageous. I would see if she called, and if she doesn't, I wouldn't ask her again if she is going to call. Not that you did anything wrong in asking her if she would be calling, but from here on out, I'd let her do "the work."

To insert a personal note, when I started standing up to my N friend, she couldn't stand it, because of course SHE could never be in the wrong.

moglow · February 11, 2023, 01:15:56 PM

She "needs" what she wants when she wants it. You *told* her when you could talk, didn't kowtow or ask permission or beg forgiveness. You're forgetting - this aint about you, it's allllll about her and her stuff. So ya know what? You carry on, live your life, do your stuff and enjoy it!

There, fixed that for ya. Go forth and do great things!!

Iamenoughmary · February 16, 2023, 05:27:53 AM

countrygirl, Thank you. You always help me so much. I thought the note to herself was outrageous too! I just have to be done with this! She is so selfish and needy and that's not something I want in my life. Such a whiny person. I'm thinking she really needs to grow up!

moglow, Thank you! Your advice is always great! I did forget this isn't about 'me' . I laid out my issues and she ignored, so it is about her stuff!! Lifes to precious to give her another minute of my time

It's been draining dealing with her. Now its my choice to stop putting myself through it...........

Thank you all so much!

countrygirl · February 16, 2023, 02:56:31 PM

Hi neverenoughmary,

It's great that you reached this resolution. It took me forever to reach it with my N friend, years and years. I just agonized over withdrawing from the friendship, because I'd known her so long. Ironically, it was precisely because I'd known her so long and had been putting up with her for so long which should have been the main reason to have left! In other words, how much time was I going to give her? So kudos to you for being smart and realizing you have better things to do with your time than trying to get someone who is not normal to behave normally!

At the time, some people said that if I wouldn't leave for my sake,I should do it for hers, because sometimes people have to hit rock bottom before they will see the need to change. However, I'd watched her lose a number of friends over the years, and she never, not once, thought it had anything to do with her. In fact, when I did withdraw, she screamed at me: "You knew that X had done this to me! You knew, and yet you did the same thing!" I would have pointed out that maybe she needed to ask herself why people were practically running from her, but she didn't give me a chance to talk!

In a sense, it's a good thing that your friend didn't call, and said that about writing herself a reminder note, because then she let you see exactly who she is. She enjoys playing games, and she doesn't like it when you set boundaries. Again, you're very smart not to let this conintue.

Iamenoughmary · February 18, 2023, 07:47:13 AM

Thanks Countrygirl! Long term friendships are very hard to end. I think we do just learn to put up with it. My friend has been this way since high school. I saw it way back then, but ignored it. There's something about aging that changes us. I just no longer wanted the stress of it. No matter how many times lately I tried to explain things she was stubborn

Your friend just would not take any responsibility and those kind of people drain us. I like to talk openly and honestly. My friend cannot or will not. When we withdraw, its suddenly something we did! Never them is it!

We are better off. Life is tough enough without having to deal with them. I wish you many blessings! Thank you as always for your help. Great chatting with you!

PlantFlowersNotWeeds · February 18, 2023, 08:18:47 AM

I'm struggling with a N friend as well. I didn't realize she had Ns traits until I came of the fog from my marriage.

Anyhow, right now there are many more positive traits to her and although she can never show me empathy, she is very smart and active and I can enjoy her company. She's not the type that's demanding of me, because she has managed to have several friends that can fill this role. I'm okay with her being right ALL the time, her complaining can be tough - I've managed to stop listening and I avoid her calls if necessary. In the future, who know? I may have to end this relationship if it gets worse or there's some shift.

What this has done for me, as I am re-building my life, I am recognizing other potential friendships that may have N characteristics so I am not investing in these. One N friend is enough. I checked off that box

Iamenoughmary · February 22, 2023, 06:31:31 AM

PlantFlowersNotWeeds, Thank You. You are wise to handle her this way. I have a difficult time with the fact that I've opened up to her and she just cannot seem to be open back, or doesn't want to. I just don't believe that's true friendship. I admire you for learning to stop listening. I hope it works out, but if not you have a great attitude and yes one N friend is enough! Cheers to rebuilding your life. I so much want to start Spring off as a new beginning and do the same....