Thrown under the bus

[butterflyrainbow]

I'd like to believe it's the toxins from kidney failure talking but I know it isn't. Because even before this, she threw people who " disappoint" her under the bus.

She can't take responsibility for her own needs, I am supposed to read her mind. 

I answered our camera doorbell and overheard her tell an acquaintance that  she felt so weak last night, she wondered if she should go to the hospital. That she called me but I didn't answer, and that she can't ever get a hold of me when she needs help unless she bangs on my door. She told him that  I never come over and I only help her for one day when she has her procedures and then nothing after that. ( I'm limited/low contact but I haven't told her that). And she doesn't go out since Covid because ButterflyRainbow is petrified of getting it or giving it to her, so she is "respecting ButterflyRainbow's   feelings", but she's not concerned about getting Covid ( she's been told it WILL kill her, btw).

I had a big rant all typed up but I lost it. That's ok. I don't need to justify myself. I know it was lies, half truths, and a twisted way to get attention and sympathy from someone who doesn't know us or her well.  But I am furious with her. She wasn't worried about having to go to hospital or she would have left a message or called back right away. And I didn't call to double check because all I had to do was look out my back door  and see that she was not in distress at all. She was watching tv, chewing on something. Relaxed!

[Cat of the Canals]

My pivotal Out of the FOG moment was realizing that no matter what I did to meet my mother's demands, it was never going to be enough. I spent literal decades of my life asking "how high?" when she told me to jump, but it never amounted to even a shred of gratitude from her. She always wanted more, regardless of how much I'd already given. The notion that our relationship is a 50/50 endeavor, just like ANY relationship, is a foreign concept to her.

All of this meant that I had to come to terms with the fact that I'd probably be hearing how disappointed she is with our relationship and how I don't spend enough time with her or call her often enough for the rest of my life. But the thing is... I was going to hear it anyway. At least now one of us is happy.

[moglow]

Then under the bus it is. Dont call unless/until you decide. And should you so choose, tell her you heard what she said to acquaintance, Rings are kinda cool like that. AND she was clearly relaxed and no in any kind of distress when you checked on her. AND you don't appreciate her lying to people for attention, when you both know better. (Then end the call without another load of her complaints and justifications)

Or just say all those things to yourself, realizing it serves no useful purpose to say them to her. Take a deep breath and carry on.

[butterflyrainbow]

Thank you CatoftheCanals and Moglow. Virtual hugs to both of you.

It was very painful to hear her tear us down like that.
We expect another late night phone call tonight.
It may end up with a referral to the nearest assisted living facility since I'm clearly not taking care of her to her satisfaction.

Hubby talked to the acquaintance. He said no worries he had the same problem with his mother and he can see that we make sure she is safe and cared for properly. That made me feel better.

[Cat of the Canals]

Hubby talked to the acquaintance. He said no worries he had the same problem with his mother and he can see that we make sure she is safe and cared for properly. That made me feel better.

This is something else I've come to realize: they may not say it, but a lot of people know more than they let on and understand the predicament you're in.

[monamurre]

Grrrr, that makes me feel so frustrated for you Butterflyrainbow!

Of all the nasty PD behavior this type of smear campaign/exaggerating for attention is one of my least favorite. While I've learned to be non-reactive to much of the other nonsense, this one still gets me going. I find myself twisting in the wind wondering what is being said about me in my small home town where stories are repeated 100s of times. Then I think, what am I going to do run around trying to correct the record with every one in town? Take out a billboard ad? I mean it just feels so neurotic and desperate to care that much....but hard not to. If anyone has any insights on how to put that anxiety to bed, I'd love to hear your experiences.

My mother passed away 6 weeks ago and through that event I'm starting to get a whiff of all the half-truths she has put out there. I was rather naively clueless about this until recently and just assumed she told the truth about me and my relationship with her. Since she went into the hospital and I've been in communication with various people about her decline, I have heard some really interesting things.

Of course there is the general, "oh, poor [mom].....she had such a hard life!" But I'm also getting a lot of "she had no one to help her with [fill in the blank task we offered to help with 10x]" I was so stupidly naive about it that up until recently I bought that line from her and couldn't understand why none of her friends were checking on her or offering more help with daily living stuff like groceries, etc.  Now I understand that they, like me, probably offered over and over until they were sick of getting snapped at and then gave up trying.

I think when people see a PD person going full-blown waif/hermit/victim it is just too hard to look away (unless you fully understand what is happening), so people naturally get involved trying to "fix" the situation. But, its unbearable when people see you as the "fixer" and make all kinds of assumptions about your failings as a daughter/son because the PD is flailing. I hope you can stay focused on all the things you ARE doing and know that you are being a very caring person despite the total lack of acknowledgement coming your way from your mom.

[butterflyrainbow]

My mother passed away 6 weeks ago and through that event I'm starting to get a whiff of all the half-truths she has put out there. I was rather naively clueless about this until recently and just assumed she told the truth about me and my relationship with her. Since she went into the hospital and I've been in communication with various people about her decline, I have heard some really interesting things.

Of course there is the general, "oh, poor [mom].....she had such a hard life!" But I'm also getting a lot of "she had no one to help her with [fill in the blank task we offered to help with 10x]" I was so stupidly naive about it that up until recently I bought that line from her and couldn't understand why none of her friends were checking on her or offering more help with daily living stuff like groceries, etc.  Now I understand that they, like me, probably offered over and over until they were sick of getting snapped at and then gave up trying.

TY Monamurre.

I feel so bad you are still finding these things out. Just remember, the people who know you and love you know the truth and they are the only ones who matter. People who judge your situation and choices will probably never get it.  And I'm learning lots of people do understand. They really do, they just don't say anything.

I've had these same things happen that you mentioned above, the past two weeks especially. Mom is now in hospice care. It has been a rollercoaster marathon of emotions, misunderstandings with the medical staff involved in helping her, statements from her and resulting psych evals,  drama from her nephew's "spouse", etc.  and we are both a mess but at least we are communicating and she has recognition that she isn't ok mentally. She is afraid I will abandon her, even though I've chosen to be here every day all day. But I'm here for her under my own terms, and I've given her my boundaries and reassurance that I love her. That's all I can do really. And I do what the nurse suggested: think of her like a child, take what she says and put it in a box to the side, and deal with it later if need be.

Hospice has been wonderful, supporting us and reminding me to care for myself . I have no idea how long she has and that is the hardest part for me. I don't want her to die, but this isn't living.

[Dragonfly]

I answered our camera doorbell and overheard her tell an acquaintance that  she felt so weak last night, she wondered if she should go to the hospital. That she called me but I didn’t answer, and that she can’t ever get a hold of me when she needs help unless she bangs on my door. She told him that  I never come over and I only help her for one day when she has her procedures and then nothing after that. ( I’m limited/low contact but I haven’t told her that). And she doesn’t go out since Covid because ButterflyRainbow is petrified of getting it or giving it to her, so she is “respecting ButterflyRainbow’s   feelings”, but she’s not concerned about getting Covid ( she’s been told it WILL kill her, btw).

Hello- i just experienced this yesterday with my mother. Only i suggested we go right away to the hospital and get a full work up- of course she declined. She already has an appointment with her primary care on Friday. And?? What do you think a primary care doctor would say about feeling like blacking out on a Saturday night? ( and falling twice during the week?)
  She just got approved for Home-care for Elders and she wont let them do anything so far. There is always a reason why this or that wont work. Then it’s your fault that she is all alone …while you are busy doing the shopping or whatever needs to be done. Never mind that she can’t get along with you for more than few hours    She smears me and my husband to anyone who will listen - and triangulates is she can. It’s exhausting. I try to limit my calls to every other day at the most and trying to work on housing applications in the meantime. I also started talk therapy with someone so Hubs doesn’t have to the bear the brunt of it all the time. I guess the point is please KNOW  you are not alone & that your posts help people like me. Thank you