What were their last words?

[Srcyu]

What were their last words to you that you ever heard them say?

For me it was, 'I expected you .....' spoken by my bpd mother on the phone. She was all set for telling me off, keen to let me know how much she disapproved of my recent behaviour. She was attempting to drag me back to the position of passive compliance. I had previously told her we were finished. She had disregarded me and dismissed my feelings for the very last time.

I mean, over the miserable years while I was stuck in her care, I also expected things:
I expected food for my pets and a response from her when I told her that one of them was suffering. I can still see her blank expression even now - I was eight.
I expected adequate provision every month of sanitary products. She informed me that she needed them and put them away in her room. Sometimes she would literally give me just one.
I expected to be treated like an adult once I had a job. Instead, she insisted on sitting up waiting for me whenever I had a night out.

I never did get to hear the exact thing she was expecting, I put the phone down (landline t'was many years ago) and began over twenty years of no contact.
She wasn't expecting that.

[notrightinthehead]

And since then you have been working on healing the wounds inflicted on you from your childhood trauma! You now can fulfill your expectations. You can treat yourself and your loved ones with kindness and respect. You survived.
What a pity for her that she never got to know the precious little girl that you were/are.

[bloomie]

'I expected you...'

Windmill - this really says it all, doesn't it? There is nothing to say in response to this when it is accompanied by years of trauma, lack of empathy and respect of you. When you truly were never seen as the beautiful soul you are and cherished as you so deserve.

How strong to step away right then and there. Wow!!! Let the healing continue! 

[looloo]

I'm a "long distance" caregiver for my Nmother, I haven't seen her in person in probably 3+ years, but am in almost daily touch via text w/in person caregiver.  Maybe about a year ago, there was a crisis that needed dealing with and I had to call on the phone and speak w/caregiver to confirm that the crisis had been dealt with and Nmother was fine (the rest of us all had our lives completely upended, but surprise! Nmother was fine 🙄).  Caregiver I think, understands to some extent the nature of my decision to remain NC, but at that moment, decided to put my mother on the phone with me:

Me:  How are you?
Nmother: Eating breakfast.  How are you. (No real inquiry, just uttering the socially acceptable phrase).
Me: I'm fine.
Nmother: We'll, that's good for me then.  (It certainly is, since I take care of everything, and have been on call 24/7 since December 2009 when my father died).

I wasn't stung by the words, just a bit surprised at the inadvertent honesty.

[Call Me Cordelia]

"I love you."

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Last year my dad had chest pain and shortness of breath for a few days and thought he was dying. He called and informed me that he "knew I would hate it, but he removed me from being executor of his will and instead assigned my GC sister."  I told him he could do as he wanted. Then he continued on saying he "knows I hate my sister, but his biggest wish is that I make amends to her."  So, that was what he chose to tell me when he thought it might be the last time we spoke.

Similar to you I suppose, it was about what he wanted of me. His last words were an expectation that I do as he wishes. He did it while repeatedly accusing me of hating what he had done and hating my sister.

He is still alive and kicking though, but there were no last words of love or appreciation. Even if there were, I would know it was just what he thought he should say, not what he genuinely feels. He doesn't even know me. Sad.

[Srcyu]

notright,
those are such kind words, thank you.  I work on my healing by telling people what caused my wounds.

bloomie,
beautifully put, thank you so much. I stepped away out of necessity.

looloo,
they take us for granted when they don't actually deserve us.

Blueberry Pancakes,
He only knows his own view of you, he's not capable of anything else. They only know what they 'expect' us to be.

[Escaped_Goat]

In person I can't remember the exact last words, it was just an onslaught of excruciating manipulation about what a monster I was for holding him accountable. It only stopped becuase I left.

I went nc after that. He did however leave numerous sugary voicemail messages where he played a nice old dad. I still feel sick thinking about it, the way he was so comfortable trying to create immense anguish while being happy to portray himself as pure sweetness.

It's creepy and very unsettling to have it so thoroughly played out like that. Without sounding dramatic it did feel like a horror film to have that moment of clarity that THAT person was my sole carer for most of my childhood.

[Srcyu]

Escaped_Goat
That does sound horrific and yes, creepy. They become accustomed to having complete control over us. Having moulded us into their preferred shape all manner of ugly responses are unleashed when we dare to break it.

There are various degrees of 'no contact' and for some of us, it had to be absolute.

[Big Bear]

Windmill,

I'm so sorry for what you had to experience.  It's so unfortunate when her last sentence is about her expectations.  Sounds like a one-way street.

Big Bear

[Big Bear]

(This may be the parent section, but this post pertains to the topic of last words.)

My father-in-law's last words to me were, "Please . . .call me."  They were left as a voice mail.  I never did call him back.

He was suffering from a severe case of undiagnosed paranoid personality disorder.  My mother-in-law was at her wit's end dealing with his disorder and declining health.  She desperately wanted him to move into assisted living.  He was fighting this decision with every fiber of his being.  It was very difficult to witness.  All of my wife's siblings were urging him to go to assisted living.  One of her siblings even travelled to where FIL and MIL lived to try to convince him to move out.  But it was to no avail.  He was extremely stubborn and unyielding.  He was desperate for an ally in his lost cause.  One day he called my wife and urged her to tell MIL that he deserved to stay at home.  My wife told him that he needed to move into assisted living.  He responded, "You're all against me!"  Then he hung up.  That was the last time she talked to her father.  It was hard for both of us.   

Soon after he started calling me 5, 10 times a day.  I knew why.  I just couldn't.  I was done.  Not angry, just . . .done.  I blocked his number so the calls went straight to voice mail.  I got lots of voice mails.  Almost all of them were him begging me to call him. . .

The last one was "Please . . .call me."

[Srcyu]

Thank you Big Bear, it was a one way street and I no longer cared what she expected of me.

Your story is heavy with sadness.  His last words couldn't have been any worse really, in the circumstances.  Your poor wife.
His paranoia was spreading far and wide.
It's unhelpful that so-called blocked numbers can still go through to voicemail.

I understand why it was pointless to call him .....



milly