Some positive observations of a difficult week

[monamurre]

My uBPD mother passed away in early January and since then I've been riding the waves of grief, relief, etc. It hasn't all been terribly rough going, but there was a solid week where I felt mired in depression. Exhausted from the moment I woke up, unable to find interest in anything, feeling like it's never going to get better, etc. To make matters worse I felt really constrained about expressing how I felt around my family.

I couldn't figure out why I felt like I couldn't express this very typical experience of grief around my loving and supportive husband and child. I tried to explain it to my husband and only got as far as expressing that I didn't want my daughter to see me like this......he seemed puzzled and reiterated that it is normal to feel down after losing a parent.

After trying to fight the sinking feeling for a day I ended up giving in and doing the only thing that felt good, getting into bed. For the next week I did the bare minimum with parenting, house work and paid work ( I work for myself so I can get away with that ). And I just took a lot of time to do the things that felt good. I took naps, I took a hot bath whenever I felt like it, I ate cake every day. I also made myself do things that I knew *were* good for me, even if they didn't sound appealing. I got out for a walk every day, got dressed every day, stayed in contact with some friends, did my online exercise class, made a therapist appointment.

And you know what? Nothing terrible happened. My kid did her homework, the dishes got done, the dog got walked, none of my clients deserted me. I have two observations of this week. One: It is possible for me to "fall apart" and not perform all the tasks I normally do without terrible things happening. Two: (and this was the big one for me) I can authentically experience grief, sadness, anxiety, and distress WITHOUT hurting other people.

You may wonder what I mean by "hurting other people". Here is what I mean. I grew up alone with my mom and her norm was to condense a whole range of emotions into "pissed off" (which then overflowed onto me and others). If she was anxious she would lash out, if she was sad she would lash out, if she was grieving she would lash out. It all looked the same and it was all unpleasant and damaging. I had no idea there were other ways to express all these different emotions! So, it was really nice to realize that I can experience challenging emotions without it adding a lot of strife to our family.

[notrightinthehead]

Well done! You behaved like a well adjusted grown-up. You are sad, you grieve, and you learn that others can let you be like that with kindness and respect. What a healing experience.

[1footouttadefog]

What a great reminder that there is a time and a place to feel pain or grief and that life can go on around us. 

That we can have less than optimum days and the family will be resilient enough to have us at least than our best while we process. 

I can remember being very sick with ppl numonia and barely getting anything done each day.  I got up make sure people had eaten and pets were fed and went back to bed.  Got up for lunch and made sure people had eaten dogs were walked doled out small chores and went to bed.  Ditto supper time and bed time.  This was almost two weeks.  We got past.  Another time it was emotional stuff.  We got past.  For some reason it's harder to let ourselves have the space and resources to deal with emotional/mental health and yet as with dealing with physical health if it's not attended to things can spiral out of control. 

I am glad you are whole enough and have a healthy enough family system to weather the storm unscathed.  That is a major accomplishment not to taken for granted. 

[Jolie40]

My uBPD mother passed away in early January and since then I've been riding the waves of grief, relief, etc. It hasn't all been terribly rough going, but there was a solid week where I felt mired in depression.

it's okay to feel this way......


PD parent passed on in Dec & my one sibling is still depressed & can't sleep
she spoke with parent daily & now misses the calls especially since she lives out of state & is lonely


take it easy & take care of yourself