I did it!!! - Told him it was up to him to solve

p123 · February 15, 2023, 04:45:03 AM

I visit Dad every week. Its a game with him - he "needs" groceries".

I end up buying probably 5-6 items. I know my brother gets the same story every week a few days later. He goes mad if I buy too much - he deliberately keeps stocks in the fridge and freezer low so he can cry "
but you'lll have to visit I've got no food".

I usually visit. Trouble is he lives 30 mins drive away. With wife working shifts, a 9 year old to sort out childcare this EVERY week gets a bit wearing.

I've had back problems. Flared up this last weekend. I though nope I'm not making it worse driving over there.

So I told him, had the expected "Oh no what I going to do" response. No mention like a normal person of "Oh ok hope you're back is better". Then he said he couldnt manage without me getting groceries. I stood firm. Played my trump card "OK I'll get groceries delivered for you".

This is like garlic to a vampire for him. He dare not accept that as possible because it would drain away all his guilt power of making me visit. ha ha

So I won. He did try the "but are you sure you can;t come?"

I told him "Look I've told you I can't come, I've offered a solution which I can organise, and you've said no. Not a lot I can do, is there? Its up to you now"

Feels great to be honest.

xredshoesx · February 15, 2023, 05:34:59 AM

proud of you P!

Waz · February 15, 2023, 05:40:06 AM

Well done you 👍

NarcKiddo · February 15, 2023, 05:43:35 AM

And did the world end? No.

I realise the above sounds flippant, but when handling similar issues I always had some sneaking fear that the world would end if I stood up to my mother. So discovering it doesn't was massive for me.

Well done, P123.

square · February 15, 2023, 09:22:14 AM

Well done.

monamurre · February 15, 2023, 10:38:37 AM

That must have felt great! There is something very confirming in that scenario where you present them with a workable alternative only to have them say, "no!" I had a few experiences like this with my mother, and it finally opened my eyes to the fact that it wasn't my job to figure her challenges out (since she was actively rejecting any solutions I presented) thus it wasn't about the challenges but about manipulating the situation and me. Hope your back feels better soon.

Sneezy · February 15, 2023, 12:35:01 PM

Good for you, p123!!! Your post has put a smile on my face this morning - I am so happy for you

Cat of the Canals · February 15, 2023, 02:35:09 PM

Virtual standing ovation for you!

SonofThunder · February 15, 2023, 02:45:20 PM

Quote from: xredshoesx on February 15, 2023, 05:34:59 AM
proud of you P!

+1. Way to go!!

SoT

blacksheep7 · February 15, 2023, 03:33:00 PM

hhaw · February 15, 2023, 03:37:25 PM

Well done, p!!!

Remember to throw it back in his court....

How do plan to solve that problem, dad?
How will you resolve that, dad?

Rinse and repeat.

It's his to solve, not yours.

lkdrymom · February 15, 2023, 04:30:16 PM

Well done. We all told you it would feel good.

nanotech · February 15, 2023, 06:57:24 PM

Absolutely fantastic!

doglady · February 16, 2023, 02:21:08 AM

Great work, p! Keep it up.

moglow · February 16, 2023, 10:27:10 AM

Nicely done! Maybe this'll help you realize you really DON'T to be there and go through this every week, back issues or no. I know the guilt trips go a long way with him and it's hard to break patterns once they're set. But as you see, there are alternatives ready and waiting and he's not interested. Bored and lonely he may be, but as was mentioned in another thread, it's not your responsibility to fill his dance card.

p123 · February 19, 2023, 01:15:46 PM

Well hes already phoned me to pretend to ask how my back is? He really is unreal....

Within literally 3 seconds its round to how urgently he needs groceries and how he hopes I can "make a bit of effort to get here" this week. What an appalling way to behave?

Not letting him off the hook yet - he can wait.

How are he pressurise me like this? It isnt urgent and there are other options.....

NarcKiddo · February 19, 2023, 01:49:29 PM

Stand firm. You have made the first step along the road, and the second step can be delivering exactly the same message to him as last time. No can do, here are the options.

I hope your back is feeling better.

Srcyu · February 19, 2023, 05:39:13 PM

Nah, it's him that needs to make a bit of an effort.
He has learned helplessness. He will pressure you like that because he is used to you being compliant and it suits him to keep you that way. He cares only for himself.

You have started to sing a different tune now and he will need to learn to hum along to it.

p123 · February 20, 2023, 05:34:09 AM

Quote from: Windmill on February 19, 2023, 05:39:13 PM
Nah, it's him that needs to make a bit of an effort.
He has learned helplessness. He will pressure you like that because he is used to you being compliant and it suits him to keep you that way. He cares only for himself.

You have started to sing a different tune now and he will need to learn to hum along to it.

Yeh I know hes not normal but I'm sure most of us would never dream of pressuring someone when they're borderline up to the task due to illness.

hhaw · February 20, 2023, 11:51:13 AM

The problem isn't your father's pressuring you.

The problem is how you perceive that pressure and how it affects you.

Let him arrange groceries for himself.

If he fails, let him call your brother.

Prepare your response ahead when your brother calls you, as your handling your father suited him and he'll likely want you back in that role.

Can you sit with the discomfort of your father's pressure long enough for him to figure groceries out for himself?

Can you sit with the discomfort of your brother pressuring you to pick up the slack you used to carry, but let go?

I imagine your father might escalate in some unimaginable way.....you might get a call from some social service for the aging trying to rope you back in, for example.

What will your response be?

Something to think about.