My feelings/thoughts/concerns are always disregarded or "not true"

[bfattiffs]

I have been nervous about posting here for awhile now because half of me is scared that I am making up everything while the other half is scared that I am going to be validated in how I am feeling meaning I will have to figure out where I want to go from here.

I have been with my SO for almost 5 years in total, he asked me to marry him in September 2022. I have read a lot of reputable sources about personality disorders and I believe my fiancé is undiagnosed NPD  based on a few things:

• If I ever express that his words or actions have made me feel bad or upset I am told that what I am saying is not true (invalidates my feelings)
• During arguments we always end up in a circular conversation that ends up with me being the root cause for the argument
• I feel like he does not respect me but expects and will demand respect from me always
• I do not feel comfortable talking to him about concerns I have with our relationship and how I feel that I am being treated because I know that the conversation will immediately turn to an argument
• I feel like I am the only one making any effort in the relationship and am always the one going out of my way to do things for him and it is never reciprocated/or he will make me feel guilty if he does anything  for me
• I honestly feel like I may be the problem or I am making everything up and feel crazy

I could go on with so much more but I do not want to make this post any longer than it needs to be. I just am hoping that someone here may have experienced a similar situation and can give me some insight on how I can start handling this in a healthy way. I am really sad that I do not know how to take control of my life when I have an amazing IT career with great pay and am respected by colleagues/customers, but when I am away from work and trying to keep hold of my sanity when we live in a home that is solely mine but I am forced to sleep in the guest bedroom when arguments happen and walk on eggshells constantly in my own home where I pay 75% of the living expenses. I am constantly told that I have the world at my fingertips and am doing great for myself but yet I feel like a failure and am constantly trying to do better in hopes that maybe then I will feel like I deserve everything that I have worked so hard for. I feel helpless and like I have absolutely no control of my life anymore.

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome! I know exactly what you are talking about. Death by a thousand small cuts.  Your self esteem and your understanding of reality is being undermined repeatedly. And it hurts. And it makes you doubt yourself. And you cannot understand why your relationship is so hard.  And you try and try to get through to him, hoping that if you could just find the right words and make him understand, your relationship could be good.
Welcome to your journey Out of the FOG.  The books that opened my eyes to what I was dealing with, "Stop walking on eggshells" by Krueger and "Why does he do that?" by Bancroft . The book that helped me to change my behaviour "Stop Caretaking the Borderline/ Narcissist" by Fjelstad. Study the Toolbox and keep reading and posting on here.
We are all at different stages of our journey to healing, I am glad you joined us!

[SonofThunder]

Hi bfattiffs,

Another warm welcome here.  +1 on the books that notrightinthehead recommended.  Ive been married multiple decades to a PD and your descriptions align well with my experiences. 

At the top of page, see the Toolbox tab and also the Personality Disorders tab. I recommend you spend time at both, aligning more of the teaching and traits to your experiences.  Also please understand that becoming legally married to a PD and then potentially having children with a PD are each deeper ways that PD's utilize to lock-in a 'caretaker' (term of Fjelstad's great book) in the complex, legally and emotionally attached relationship that is so exponentially difficult to depart. 

You did not state whether you are now married, so I will assume you are not.  Please continue to wisely explore the PD subject and aligning your experiences before making any legal commitments.  Also, your "amazing IT career" is also a potential additional interest of a PD, as its financially assists the PD and causes you to burn the candle at both ends to caretake a bar-raising PD while also being employed. 

Lastly, I want to recommend you swing over to The Welcome Mat board and introduce yourself, as the fine, caring people here at Out of the FOG monitor that board for incoming new members, so the new member can receive a friendly welcome.  I like to say that everyone here is walking a trail together, with people along many different sections of the trail.  I welcome you to find an empty chair around the many board campfires, kick off your shoes, put your feet up and join in the discussions. 

See you around the boards,

SoT

[Justanotherlostgirl1]

Totally understand! I've been there twice. I'm still trying to extricate myself from the second one. Everyone here gets it, and that is really a comfort for me, because I often end up feeling alone in those moments and crazy. I actually find that reading the forum and seeing what other people go through helps a lot.

I wish I could just say read the toolbox and apply the methods. I've read them many times. I've read the books and watched the videos but when it comes to my own life, I have a very real problem implementing these things because I have a real tendency to get emotionally involved and hurt trying to explain my side. In a normal relationship, both sides listen and try to be better for the other person and work together. These are one sided relationships and you're never going to be understood. Your feelings are never going to be relevant, and you are never going to be heard because our PD partners live in a different reality than we do. Their sense of reality is SO much different than ours that there is no way for it to be compatible.

Yet, I still question everything. At my core I still wish I could help, even though I learned from the first go around that you can't change people. With my first, I would say that things really started to change for me when I started talking about it with other people in my life (friends, family), and starting having a rational sounding board. They were surprisingly helpful for me when I thought they'd just dismiss me. In fact, they actually had the same intuition and experience about my ex, even though they hadn't been in a relationship with him.

Welcome! Wish you well with trying to navigate all of this and I wish I could help more or had better advice for you.

[downwiththefog]

I have been with my SO for almost 5 years in total, he asked me to marry him in September 2022. I have read a lot of reputable sources about personality disorders and I believe my fiancé is undiagnosed NPD  based on a few things:
...
trying to keep hold of my sanity when we live in a home that is solely mine but I am forced to sleep in the guest bedroom when arguments happen and walk on eggshells constantly in my own home where I pay 75% of the living expenses.

Welcome. your feelings and impressions are well understood by many here.
It's great that you have such awareness relatively early in your relationship.
Do not run into a legal contract, research PDs over and over and maybe seek to exchange professional advice with someone who understands PDs.

My favourite book among the ones often mentioned here was Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward.
Most good books, including Fjelstad's don't convey how hard is to move from awareness of being a caretaker, to stop being one. I find that awareness and knowledge alone help maintain sanity though,

I wish you well, I can relate .

[bloomie]

Hello and welcome! Wanted to add that your observation that your private self and professional self have become noticeably different is something that I can very closely relate to.  Pay attention to the red flags and begin to develop a trust in your gut and your intuition.

Also, something that has helped me is to step away from unproductive conversations. If you are not finding your partner of 5 years empathetic, cooperative in problem solving and if you are not being heard it has helped me a lot to stop talking about those things that are dear and important with a partner who will invalidate and covertly manipulate any situation to eventually be all about him.

There is something powerful that begins to happen in that space we take when we step back from applying the same insights that are not serving us well to familiar scenarios. It gives us room to see, perceive, discern and it often reveals (at least in my own case) how others may be feeding off of our pain and hurt and using it to keep us in a step down position.

Beginning to do the inner work of discovering what does and does not work for you in intimate relationship is daunting, but so worth it. Keep coming back and sharing as you are able. It helps to ease a heavy heart to have the compassion and support of a group of fellow travelers who get it.