Lessons of Two Dates/Find the Narc

[JustKeepTrying]

Background - Married for 32 years to an OCPD; divorced three/gone four; started dating/experimenting 8 months ago; tons of trauma therapy/EMDR/hospitalization/PTSD w/non-epileptic seizures - last seizure eight weeks ago.  I am INFP and an empath.  This has been a journey of scary self discovery.

I met them both at the same time.  Communicated daily via text or app for about two weeks before the first date with one/communicated off and on with the other and six weeks before we met.  They are both intelligent, graduate degrees, excelled in their field of work, divorced with multiple grown children, different political ideologies than myself, wealthy, retired, similar hobbies.  On paper they are almost the same person.  They each have incredible egos - huge egos - and they are rightly earned.  I mean - they are big in their chosen field and surrounded all day by uber masculine men and they themselves are very masculine.  So big egos. 

As usual, I am hypervigilent on the "are they a narcissist question?"  Unfair to them and myself but I just haven't been able to turn off that ever present watchdog.  But with my daily mindfulness meditations, I have become so much better at determining who emotion is whose and where it's coming from and separating it from mine.  Not perfect yet but I have been practicing in public and with a few people and a few recent experiences have really blown me away.

Date 1 - Army - we have been talking to each other for two months and his political views are polar opposite of mine.  But, and this was weird at first, he does not want me to change mine or be different and he keeps telling me to be myself - as weird and hippy as I want - and that he's "got" me.  My therapist told me to focus on how the date made me feel - not how I should feel or what it looks on paper - or how much I admire them or attracted to them - but focus on the feelings in my body.   We talked for twelve hours - deep and wide ranging discussions that were opposite in view but still affirming and uplifting.  I felt protected, shielded, admired and whole.  We moved at my pace and when asked to do something he patiently waited for my verbal consent - I felt no anxiety from him or acrimony when I pulled back. I think I could have walked away and he would still be asking to see me again.  At the end of the long twelve hours - I felt energized.  Exhausted but energized.  So energized that I felt overflowing - Not the sizzle of a trauma bond (been there/done that) but energy high you get when you feel safe.  Haven't like that with another person in decades.

Date 2 - Prof - We talked to each for two months as well and he too is polar opposite in political and world views.  We spent the day doing a tourist thing together.  The conversation flowed easily and I felt safe and comfortable with him.  He was aggressively sexual early and often tried to cross my boundaries about public affection - but we are adults and I allowed myself to flow with the feeling of attraction.  I did not feel protected or shielded with him but I felt safe and supported and I was my weird authentic self and the emotion coming from him was one of amusement or enjoyment.  At then of our long twelve hour day together, when he left I felt drained.  Tired and physically spent.  Mentally just ok - not overly sluggish but not anything really.  Just end of the day drained from being around another person.  Like I over poured my cup and I needed to refill.

So while my therapist wants me to focus on what I am feeling - I focused on the feelings of safety.  I didn't think about energy until this morning.  My ex always drained me - I never felt energized with him.  There are a few friends I leave feeling energized with.  It's almost as if I am not feeding off them and I'm not being fed off - and that leaves me with more than I am used to. 

Neither man said or did anything to indicate they are narcissistic.  And they may not be - that is not the only red flag there may be other reasons to not see them.  I get that.  But up to now, my analytical hypervigilent brain keeps scanning for behavior.  Instead I need to be looking inward with people - practicing mindfulness and listening to my body.  That is so strange for me but becoming easier and more habitual.

FYI - each date was more than six weeks apart.  I am breaking it off with Prof.  Army wants to see me again - which I might do.  This is the end of my dating journey.  Apps are deleted.  Anything from now on, will happen organically

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi JKT,

In my humble opinion, I think your T gave you very good advice, to really reflect on how you feel.

I think this is good advice for several reasons. One reason is that it makes it a bit easier to slow down the process with a new person in our lives. After trauma, we might want to rush into new relationships, and paying attention to our emotional needs, can be a good way of helping with that. I know that in my past, had I paid better attention to my emotional state / needs, I would have been in a better position to slow down the bonding with a new person I had met.

I can only speak about myself here but I have found that I am now analytical about relating, and this is how it is going to be for me. There's been too many experiences with narcissism for me to ever walk into a new relationship / friendship with someone, and not pay close attention anymore. The analytical brain is on! lol Whether we like it or not? I kinda think it's going to be along for the ride now, because it is necessary as well - it is a 'head and heart' sort of thing. Emotions and cognition - both helpful to us when we get into new relationships.

Your post also reminded me that after trauma, I now know that I process my emotions after the visit is over. I will go visit with someone, and then the next day or 2 days later, process how it felt to be around them. I can't always process everything in the moment. Now I am not totally sure if that is a PTSD thing or an empath thing or a human being thing! Maybe everyone would benefit from reflecting after the fact.

In any case, you're doing the right things for yourself by listening to your emotional messages from within. I do find that as an empath, I need to take my time and sort out my own emotions and separate them from the emotions from the other person. And I give myself time to reflect on what I actually felt, because in the moment, it can be hard to really 'track' all of that, especially as an empath!

Trees

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Great post and great thoughts, JKT.

I hope it goes well with Army