discouraged

[tiredofsad]

I posted a little bit about a year ago about my uPDh and got some helpful comments.  I started seeing a therapist and things have improved a lot.  But recently something happened that made me feel discouraged like maybe nothing has really changed.
My uPDh can be (IMO anyways) kind of nitpicky/over critical, and he does not like it if I don't validate his criticisms, but a lot of times I don't agree.  So I have been trying to use MC when that happens.  A few days ago he criticized something my DS did, seemed super trivial and unimportant to me, then he asked if I thought it would cause a problem.  (I don't want to be too specific about what happened but it was super minor).  I said since he asked my opinion directly, that no, I did not think it would be a problem.  Then he got kind of huffy with me and I said you asked my opinion and I gave it, and he kind of huffed a little more then stopped.  Then he brought it up again a few days later to say, oh older DS agrees with me about that thing, he also thinks it's kind of weird/annoying.  So I was kind of annoyed because I thought this thing was so trivial, why keep mentioning it, but I paused to come up with an MC response, and before I could say anything my uPDh raised his voice and started berating me.  I was so shocked I can't remember exactly what he said just the tone of anger.  I said do not speak to me that way I didn't even say anything.  He said, you waved your hand in a dismissive way and you had an irritated expression on your face.  I said again, I didn't say anything why are you yelling at me.  He said there were non verbal cues and they upset me.  He then compared the expression on my face to be as if I had rolled my eyes.  To be clear I did not roll my eyes, which is what I said to him.  He just kept going on about non verbal expressions, which I think is basically saying, I didn't like the look on your face so it's OK to yell at you.  Then he sort of apologized saying, well maybe I was overreacting.
Later I talked to him more and he acknowledged that it is not OK to yell at me because he doesn't like the look on my face.  But I feel super discouraged.  I am tired of the anger coming out of nowhere.  I don't know why it's so angering that I don't agree with everything he thinks. I find it tiring to do MC and I don't think I can successfully control the expressions on my face too.  More important I don't think I should have to.  I just feel really tired.

[bat123]

Hi, tired!  Unfortunately, these sorts of dynamics are really common in these relationships.  One of the hallmarks of narcissism is control, and when our views and opinions differ from theirs, they feel a loss of control and it can trigger their anger. A narcissist thinks their views are superior/correct, and they prefer it when we follow their lead.  They are very good at picking up on it when we don't see things their way, and they will often pounce at the smallest tone of voice or gesture that signals our disagreement.  But more important than analyzing them is analyzing ourselves— why does their anger impact us so deeply?  Are you filtering and censoring yourself in order to prevent his anger?  Why?  What would happen if you held your ground, didn't control your facial expressions, and just let his anger hang out there?   (Of course, if he's making you feel physically unsafe, please follow your gut and get away!).  I think taking a look inward and asking ourselves these questions is the key to surviving and ultimately (ideally) leaving these relationships.

[tiredofsad]

Thanks for the replies bat and user and sorry for the late response!  Yes, I think I really need to work on being less upset by the anger.  That is something I am struggling with.  As for why I am discouraged I think it is because I had seen a lot of improvement and I was thinking perhaps my h isnot pd but just has some bad behaviors he could learn to improve.   It's almost like he is two people,  but I never know when the mean, unpredictable one is going to show up.  And I have a lot of doubt about my judgment of what is normal behavior that I should tolerate and what is not. 

[SonofThunder]

Thanks for the replies bat and user and sorry for the late response!  Yes, I think I really need to work on being less upset by the anger.  That is something I am struggling with.  As for why I am discouraged I think it is because I had seen a lot of improvement and I was thinking perhaps my h isnot pd but just has some bad behaviors he could learn to improve.   It's almost like he is two people,  but I never know when the mean, unpredictable one is going to show up.  And I have a lot of doubt about my judgment of what is normal behavior that I should tolerate and what is not.

+1 to users reply.  You wrote:

"As for why I am discouraged I think it is because I had seen a lot of improvement and I was thinking perhaps my h isnot pd but just has some bad behaviors he could learn to improve."

Imo, a truly doctor diagnosed or your assumed diagnosis of PD or no-PD makes no difference in what you experience from your uPDh.  You have been married for a long time and have a consistent history of him being unpredictable and mean (your words).  Mean is never normal. Justified anger is normal, but frankly that resides in your quiver, not his, based on your description of his mean treatment.  My justified anger is carefully utilized by incorporating the toolbox so that my anger is assisting to me, not hijacked by the predator PD, who flips it 180° so they can land in the victim role.  My justified anger is displayed by my silent, unwavering, unmovable  boundary actions/reactions, and not in my mouth. My anger is contained in my battle-plans. Sharing/leaking battle plans always aids the adversary.  As it is said, "loose lips sink ships". 

The toolbox is applicable and effective by us in protecting ourselves in dealing with difficult personalities (PD or not).  We can only control ourselves, not another adult human being.  If PD traits are a good fit with your experiences from your husband, then imo, considering him a uPDh is a fine description to rest upon as you move forward. 

Since we know PD's dont change, but rather carefully predator-dance around the 🔺Karpman drama triangle with their emotional host, using these 🔺roles and traits to navigate the larger IDD cycle, it is our job to protect ourselves as best possible by refusing to dance with the predator on the 🔺and not repeating the IDD cycle.   

You are not alone on this trail. So very many of us are walking alongside you with collective decades of experience.  All the best.

SoT

[Big Bear]

We can only control ourselves, not another adult human being.

That is so true, yet so often difficult to live out.  I can not control the reactions of someone else.  I've got to focus on how I respond.  Medium Chill is so important, but so hard to practice.  Hang in there Tired of Sad.  I have felt the way you have before. 

Take Care!
Big Bear