How Bad Are My Fleas?

[Lookin 2 B Free]

My internal reactions to some people are reminding me of my PDex (whom I've been NC with for 3 yrs now).  There is one big difference.  I believe they're my responsibility, that they're not necessarily representative of reality, and I try always, to deal with them myself, in a way that doesn't affect others.  

But I'm finding it disturbing how frequently I feel hurt, shame, anger and that I don't belong.  Like my insides kind of match his outsides (except not that exaggerated). He constantly felt offended, rejected, & victimized ..., due, I think, to his emotional immaturity.  Which makes me think my "thin skin" (and perhaps even distorted views) are due to the same immaturity.  Oh how I don't want to be like him!

I know I had quite a bad case of fleas coming out of a PD FOO.  I can clearly remember that and I know I've improved some.   I'm willing and able to use tools to deal with this, challenging any knee-jerk beliefs and refraining from my old solutions of appeasing or running away.  I hang in there these days to judge things over time and usually find out my initial assessment was partly or wholly wrong.    I just wish I weren't so easily pained by my interactions with others.  Does anyone relate?

[escapingman]

It's only naturally to have fleas and react in a way we have been thought for so long. I am working on mine and I am getting better, but sometimes I get triggered and I am reacting or thinking in exact the same way as STBX used to do. The good thing is that I can identify it and calm my self down, take me away from the situation and just breathe. But yesterday I got incredible triggered by DD that had lost something and blamed me, she started screaming in my face and my fight response was triggered in the same way as when STBX used to scream at me and my hand went up to protect me. DD then reacted to this by pushing me in my stomach, by this time I already taken control of the fight response and just left her to her tantrum. Needless to say with me not engaging she calmed down as soon as I found the missing item.

I think the important bit is to recognise the responses and to stop them as fast as possible. It's not always easy, but when they happen, don't beat yourself up, it's ingrained in the reptile brain from the abuse we have suffered.

[NarcKiddo]

I cannot now remember where I read/heard what I am about to relate or I would link or quote. If I find it, I will try to remember to come back here. But it was a therapist pointing out that we should beware of the tendency to so desire not to be like our PD that we act differently on purpose. Just so as not to be like them. That is to say, there are times when it is entirely appropriate to feel slighted, angry, hurt or whatever we are feeling at the time. And even if we don't think it is good to feel that way it is best to work out where the feeling is coming from before jumping to the conclusion that we are wrong or that the feeling is coming from some undesirable characteristic. Of course it may be, but equally it may not. The point is to try not to let our experience of the PD cloud our judgement of ourselves and our motives. I am always saying to my therapist "I don't want to be like my mother" and she is always at pains to point out that I am not my mother. That is not to say I don't have problematic reactions and behaviours but I.am.not.her. I need to remember that.

Lookin - you will get there. You are getting there. Even from your short post it is quite clear to me that you are nothing like him. Hugs.

[notrightinthehead]

I too, had a lot of fleas from PD land.  I now believe that I would never have gone into a relationship with my ex, had I not been severely damaged by my childhood and previous relationships. I believe that I shared  the illusions and fallacies that allow him to support his ego.
What helps me to remain in reality - I tune into my uncomfortable feelings such as insecurity, rejection, feeling slighted,  and try to soothe and comfort myself. I am attentive to my self talk and say to myself, sometimes loudly, that's enough. Give me a break now. I try to remain with me as much as I possible can. And whenever safe and possible, I try to find an alternative view. For example, someone looks at me critically in a shop. I used to think that they found me ugly or something other wrong with me, that I felt insecure about at that particular time. Now I  replace that thought with, "he probably had a fight with his wife earlier". Or, "he seems to have worries".
Whenever I feel thin skinned and insecure I give myself extra attention, listen positive affirmations, use self compassion. And I try to have only kind and supportive people in my inner circle.
Keep on the good work!  You are on a good path.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Thanks for the helpful feedback!

EM and NRITH, that's right -- of course -- fleas, insecurity, etc are the natural outcome of living with abuse.  This all seems understandable and okay when I hear you and others say it.  But when I feel it in myself, it strikes fear in my heart.   

Narckiddo, that's such a good point about not pushing ourselves into some fake or "unhealthy-in-the-opposite-way" type of being.  I feel such strong aversion to PD characteristics; they often seem vile and repulsive.   I guess that intense reaction comes from living with that stuff daily starting early childhood and not having an escape or even a way to gain perspective. 

But it wasn't about their internal emotions.  It was the twisted behaviors they developed to cope with them.  I have access to recovery methods to deal with those emotions.  And I'm very motivated to refrain from behavior which soothes my ego at the expense of others.  So I guess I really am different.  And I suppose they would have chosen to be different too if they'd had access to the tools and the courage and faith to use them.