Texting with an N

[countrygirl]

Hi,

I would imagine what I'm going to describe is a common behavior, especially for Ns.  I bet some of you can relate.

I have a friend who constantly calls and writes about her problems.  But if I have a problem I want to discuss, she wants to dismiss it with  a sentence or two, and then it is supposed to vanish.  But HER problems need to be analyzed as if were two scientists looking at them through microscopes for weeks.   

I also find that when we are  writing that she often gets confused about what I'm saying, and I'm talking "confusion" over pretty obvious things.  For example, if I were to say that Bob and I are good friends, but that I have some issues with Mary, she would reply by saying,  "It's too bad you're having all of those issues with Bob."  And this sort of thing happens frequently.  I know why:  She is only interested in HER issues, not in mine.  Yet she knows that she has to say something at some point, or she won't be able to ask me to advise her about things.

She did this just a few minutes ago, and I had to straighten her out.  Yet we talked about this yesterday, and have written about it several times since.   Meanwhile, I have listened to all of her issues, and have kept everything straight. 

I wonder what I should do:  Should I just keep straightening her out when this happens?   Should I say that I wish she would listen more carefully?   Any advice?

[Cascade]

I have an co-worker/friend that is somewhat like this. I generally don't tell her about any problems I am dealing with and just listen to her complaints.  I also try to change the subject if possible, because she focuses on the negatives. I've decided not to share much about my life with her. I don't think reminding your friend of what you said and correcting her will turn her into a better listener or a better friend, sadly. I hope you have another friend you can talk to. 

[NarcKiddo]

Saying that you wish she would listen more carefully would most likely be taken as a direct criticism if she is a narc. And they don't like those, so beware of that approach.

You could keep straightening her out, although I question whether it is worth the bother. You don't seem to be getting much support from this friendship. If you get other things from it then great, but if she is a narc then the price of her company is likely to be you playing to her tune. I personally would not be confiding in someone I knew or believed to be a narc. Even if they pretend to care, or appear to ignore what you say, it is quite likely that she is actually very aware of precisely what you are saying. If it is something she could use to hurt you in future, should you fall out, then she will.

[Jolie40]

some people are horrible listeners
don't answer her calls every single time to give yourself a break

of it were me, wouldn't text, either

when I got a cell (husband got it for me for emergency when kid was little), I didn't give my no. to anyone....
not family, not the school, only husband has it
with any call I make, *67 so no one gets my no.

I don't want to get texts & calls everyday

[countrygirl]

Thank you for your replies, Cascade, Narckiddo and jolie40,

This N and I share an avocation, and I've been in contact with her since my close friend, who also shared this avocation, died suddenly two months ago.  I think I was trying to make myself feel better by thinking, "I can also share with this person."  Well, she hasn't changed just because my close friend died.  She's still the same self-obsessed person.  Recently, I tried to talk to her about a small crisis, and after halfway listening, she said, "Now let's talk about my problem."  We had discussed her problem many times over in previous days.   

At any rate, it was foolish of me to think that this person could in any way replace my good friend.  Actually, I didn't really think she would suddenly become a better friend, or replace the friend I lost, but I did think that maybe we could have a more normal give and take.  Why I continued to think this after much repeated evidence to the contrary is that sometimes I just don't give up when I should.  The result of having N parents.

By the way, Narckiddo, what you said about her really listening, in a way, if there was something she could use to hurt me really resonates for me, not so much in relationship to this particular friend,  but this was absolutely true of someone I withdrew from who was definitely an N.  That woman had a truly horrible memory, but she had remembered things from a couple of decades before which she thought might hurt me.  i was astounded by what she remembered when she thought she could use it as ammunition.  I guess she was stockpiling emotional ammunition.   I gather from what you say that this is not uncommon with Ns.  I guess I would say that the friend I'm writing about today is a narcissist, but that the woman from whom I withdrew was a malignant narcissist. 

[Catothecat]

I agree that the former friend using something you once said as a type of emotional weapon against you is a malignant narc rather than just your garden variety, since I noticed the same behavior in the NPDs I've had in my life.  Starting with my NPDexh, to a NPD I once dated, to an APD I once dated, and then to a NPD friend (I might be forgetting a few in between), they ALL had that in common. They seemed to pay no attention to anything much that I said, except for the things that could at some point be used "against me".  It was as if their hearing was fine-tuned to such information, with everything else being tuned out.  With narcs, it seems they often don't  listen to much of anything you say, negative or positive, because they're so eager to get back to talking about themselves.  But with PD style narcs, it seems they listen specifically for information that can be filed away and used to their advantage at a later date.

[countrygirl]

Hi Catothecat,

Yes, I think you're correct, that NPDs seem to remember things that they can use against you.   This person really forgot nearly everything, but if it was something which could hurt me, her memory was like an elephant's!   Really, she couldn't remember anything.  She used to ask me things about HER life, because she didn't remember them.  But then she could recall hurtful things from decades before in my life.     

I really miss my friend who died a couple of months ago.  She was a fantastic listener.  In fact, we both listened to each other, and were supportive of each other.  It seems like those two characteristics should be what you can expect in a relationship, whether familial, romantic or in a friendship.  But as we know, they are very rare, especially if you know a lot of Ns!   Sorry you have experienced this too.     

[1footouttadefog]

If this was my situation, I would adjust the relationship until it was not painful. 

Woth the problem discussions for example, I would let her set the oace and depth and offer no more than she did. 

I would relegate yhe relationship to tue advocation related matters and keep things a bit light with little emotional investment or expectations. 

If she presses you when you try to free yourself from analozing her issues, do something wuirky like stopping and asking her if this is fun.  Is this fun, I dont think so, its all so negative lets change the subject.