Parent with BPD isolating a parent with suspected Alzheimer's

[Anna24]

I have a mother who is undiagnosed BPD, and an active alcoholic. She is currently undergoing significant medical issues and is miserable. My dad is taking care of her, but he is likely dealing with cognitive decline, in addition to all of the gaslighting and psychological abuse from BPD mother. Brother and I noticed cognitive decline in Dad about 5-6 years ago. I know it has gotten worse, but brother is mom's flying monkey, and in complete denial now. I see my parents deteriorating, and I know how abusive my mom is.

Now, it is beginning to look like elder abuse/neglect, because my Mom has refused to let him see a neurologist or a therapist. She herself refuses to seek therapy, or any kind of treatment for drinking, trauma, anxiety, or anything. She is well aware that my Dad is declining and needs treatment, but her biggest fear is exposure of abuse. She probably knows she is responsible for his fog, his decline and stress levels. He also has a heart condition, so seeing the mental decline go unchecked seems incredibly negligent.

I believe my Dad would listen to me and at least seek an evaluation, if he didn't live in fear of my Mom, who controls all of his relationships and communications, even with his own family, and with me. Extended family is all aware of the situation, but nobody has been allowed close enough to my Dad to make such a personal suggestion for him to seek evaluation, and nobody would dare cross my mother given her abusive nature.

As the oldest, and only daughter, I feel a strong caring inclination. I know that my tendencies to be in a caretaker role can be detrimental, but in this case I am watching my own father be abused, isolated, and kept from potentially life altering evaluation and treatment. Many have suggested that he is trapped, as long as my Mom has him trapped, and he allows it.

Is there anything I can do? Is there anything I should do? The way my Mom isolates my Dad and refuses to let him seek appropriate treatment is beginning to look like elder abuse. He looks and sounds like a vulnerable child. He is also unwilling to listen to me, and is uncharacteristically irritable and resistant over the phone. I know he would hate to admit weakness, and would probably fall apart without my Mom.

Maybe I still have some wish to save him, and the family. But it is increasingly problematic and awful to watch my Dad be so neglected in every way, including medically. 

[Sneezy]

Oh, this is such a tough situation to be in.  I'm sorry you are going through this.  DH and I have struggled with issues in both of our families as our parents have gotten older.  You want to help, you can see that things are about to go over a cliff, and yet what do you do?

Unfortunately, you say that your dad is unwilling to listen to you at this point.  He is an adult and so, unless you have been appointed as his guardian by a court, there is not a whole lot you can do.  I know it's hard.  We watched my in-laws make terrible decisions and live in dangerous conditions for a couple years before an opportunity arose.  Finally, my MIL (who has dementia) called 911 and claimed that FIL was breaking into the house.  The wonderful paramedics and police officers who arrived assessed the situation and MIL ended up in a geriatric psychiatric hospital.  We were ready and this was our opportunity for DH to fly in and start managing their care (and ultimately to get MIL into memory care and FIL into senior living).

I wish I had better advice for you, but you are in a holding pattern for now.  Keep an eye on what is going on, and if/when things fall apart, be ready to act.  Have some potential plans in mind, know what resources are available in your area, etc.  If, for example, your dad ends up in the hospital for any reason, be sure to talk to the doctor, request a psychiatric consult, request a social worker be assigned, and refuse to take him home until he gets a full physical and mental evaluation. 

Also, understand that you may never get the opportunity to act.  I wish it were easier to step in and do something when we see things going off the rails.  But it is very difficult.  Adults get to make their own decisions, even when the adults in question are elderly and making very unwise decisions.  And it's hard to sit back and watch.

Best to you as you navigate all the difficulties of aging parents.  It's not easy even when the aging parents are sweet and reasonable, but add in PD tendencies and other issues, and it is really tough.

[moglow]

Can you call the local Council on Aging or elder care services and request a wellness check maybe? Obv it would have to be anonymous but let them know you believe he's been cut off from any support network including medical care, family, friends and you're concerned for his overall well being.