Feel alone and need advice

[Beabea]

My story in a nutshell:

Together off and on since August 2018.

March 2022, he discards me and is in a relationship 2 days later.  She obviously was in the picture way before that.

All throughout 2022, he contacts me, and (stupidly), I give in.

November 2022, he discards her and sees me again.

January 2023, she is back in the picture, but he is still talking to me and saw me once.

He starts ignoring me more and more in February.

Last Sunday, he texts me that we can still talk once in a while, but he is engaged now (to the monkey branched woman) and may possibly get married sometime in the future.   He also changed his FB status to "in a relationship" last Sunday when it was single since last November.

How can someone so cruel come out on top?  Why is she worthy of being his wife?

How can he see me weeks ago, and now he is engaged?

She changed him?  He changed for her?  He is no longer a lying, cheating, emotionally abusive man after 45 years?

[bloomie]

Beabea - I can hear the pain in this come close/go away dance you have been having with this man for so long. I am so sorry you are hurting so deeply. He has shown you repeatedly who he is. Believe it. You deserve so much more and better than a man who still wants to 'talk' once in awhile who is engaged to another woman.

I am concerned for your safety and want to offer a hotline that I ask you to call asap and talk through the feelings you describe: dial 988 to talk to someone who is trained to help you in ways we are not able to here. (in the US)

We are a peer support group for people with loved ones - past and present - that have personality disorders. We can support you as you process the healing journey from this breakup, but the deeper emotional struggles are beyond what we can safely advise you in.

Here is a link to other emergency services - international resources: https://outofthefog.website/emergency/

Gently, I will say you may never know why this man is the way he is and why he has made the decisions he has. What you will someday know, I believe with all of my heart even with the little I know about the circumstances, is that you dodged decades of pain and suffering at his hand by him choosing someone else. What you describe is a man of poor character. It is possible, that he sensed in you an inner resolve and strength that you would've asserted had he not played hot and cold with you keeping you in chaos and you would eventually not put up with his nonsense.

Use that strength to get in person support and keep coming back and let us know how you are doing.

[Srcyu]

Hello, I'll offer some insight if I may.
I would say that he is the monkey grabber swinging from one woman to another. He lined you and the other woman up and swung between you. He has a deep rooted lack of commitment reflected in his message of still be willing to talk to you despite plans of getting married to her.

He's trying to keep you in reserve. His inflated ego allows him to behave like that. He will probably start to feel unsatisfied with his other relationship once it settles. That's when he starts swinging from branches again - possibly towards you.

He will always bounce around, unable to commit fully. The other woman hasn't won. He hasn't either.
You will be the winner eventually, when you meet someone else more appreciative and deserving of you.



milly

[Beabea]

Thank you for your kind words.

I found out today that she and him changed their Facebook statuses to "engaged" and tagged each other.

I can't stop feeling less than.  Getting engaged is a big step. One he didn't take with me in almost 5 years but he did with her in barely a year. I feel so worthless compared to her. Now everyone can be so happy for him that he found love. He deserves it, right? He stole my soul but walked away unscathed and changed for her in a matter of weeks.

He was a lying, cheating,  emotionally abusive person to me almost the whole time but now he is loyal and committed.   Why does she deserve that and I didn't?

[Andeza]

It is highly unlikely he has changed at all for her, or that he would change at all for anyone... That doesn't match the playbook. He's just found a better victim, which is horrible, or she's also somewhere on the PD spectrum and she's also playing him while being played. Happens all the time. Two narcs together? Heck of a match....

Remember, he was seeing her while he was seeing you. That means he's already *been* cheating on her.

I would not call her "worthy" of him in light of that information. I'd say that you were more resilient, held onto your individuality better, and he did not see you as a vulnerable enough victim.

Any man that cheats on you and casts you aside is not a prize that you have to be worthy of or strive to deserve, because you are *better* than him already. I agree with bloomie. You dodged a potentially horrible outcome.

The heartbreak is strong right now. Breathe for now. Let yourself take deep breaths and seek calm. Understanding will come with time, and it doesn't have to come right this second. Healing will also come with time. If you need real life help please do reach out to the resources that have been linked to you. There's no shame in needing a hand up or a real voice on the other side of the phone to talk to.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

I'm glad you found us BeaBea.  I hope you keep sharing with us.

This may or may not fit for you.  Some of us, myself definitely included, were vulnerable to and attractive to PD's due to having been groomed and primed in an abusive or otherwise dysfunctional childhood home.  Having never healed the unbearable hurt and shame of that home made future rejection extremely painful and shame inducing.  I had never learned to feel the kind of self worth that could help me withstand that

Counseling, especially trauma-based, has really helped me get over the scorched earth hurt and humiliation.  It's still painful and a hit to my self esteem, but I no longer lose all feelings of self worth after being rejected or replaced.  Getting help has made a big difference.

I hope you find some support soon.  The comments written here have good suggestions.  Please let us know how you're doing.

[Beabea]

I don't think I am going to survive this.  I keep comparing myself to his new woman now fiance.  Why was she deserving of no abuse?

This weekend has been unbearable.   2 weeks ago, we were talking no problem.  Last weekend,  he told me he was engaged but ok to talk once in a while.  (Haven't talked since).  Yesterday,  they both proclaimed their engaged status to each other on Facebook.  That makes it official.   He chose her. 

Things just keep getting better for him/her and I was thrown away like trash without a second thought.  I wish I was her...happy and loved with no pain.

[Poison Ivy]

Beabea, I'm very sorry you're having such painful feelings. Please consider contacting a mental health professional or a hotline for help getting to a better place emotionally and mentally.

[moglow]

He was a lying, cheating,  emotionally abusive person to me almost the whole time but now he is loyal and committed.

Not likely, not at all likely. You're making a whole lot of assumptions based on your pain right now, but understand that within him nothing has really changed. 

What i'm saying - as is he apparently - He is who he is. I hope you'll remember that once the raw has subsided a bit. How great can it really be, considering he's already been cheating on her, with you? And he's suddenly engaged and "might be getting married sometime in the future" - Who says that??

Please stop comparing yourself to others - that never ends well. Wish them well and continue on with your life, that's what I want for you. For now  and for your own sake, cut any/all lines of communication with him - block and delete your friends. He is not. There's not one thing he can say that will make all this okay for you, so don't give him an outlet.

Remind yourself of the bad stuff and consider yourself blessed to be out of it! You deserve so much better than this.

[SeaBreeze]

I'm sorry you are hurting. Speaking as someone who has been both the spurned ex, and the new supply... I understand comparing yourself to her, especially in social media. But know this... social media is fake and a PD weapon. Those cozy photos are part of what's called triangulation against you and lovebombing toward her. It may look on the surface like she has what you wanted. But she may well be posting here on Out of the FOG someday too wondering WTF happened to the wonderful man she thought she married. You dodged the bullet. My advice is block them on social media. When you're tempted to peek, log into Out of the FOG instead. Please take care of yourself.

[Starboard Song]

She changed him?  He changed for her?  He is no longer a lying, cheating, emotionally abusive man after 45 years?

If he was a lying, cheating, emotionally abusive man for 45 years, he is unlikely to change for long. This is so hard, and so unfair. But that means he is unworthy of your attention, not that you are unworthy of his.

In your own words, he is a lying, cheating, emotionally abusive man. I don't pretend it is easy. I don't think it makes you foolish to struggle. This is all actually hard. You deserve to give yourself the very best advice you have. You deserve counsel in your own best interest. So think about if any friend of yours presented this scenario: "It is my own opinion that a man I know is a lying, cheating, emotionally abusive man. And we are no longer together," what would you advise them to do?

Don't get caught up believing that he is now ready for marriage. Now honest. Now faithful. Now caring. There is no reason at all to believe he is any of those things.

Please seek support in real life. We have lots of great resources at Emergency Resources, and you can find that one most-trusted friend to share with. You deserve that.

[Kat54]

Everyone has given excellent advice. I'm so sorry for what you are going through. It's very hard but more advice, block him on social media so you don't have to subject yourself to seeing the lies that they are creating. Nobody changes like that for someone. So don't believe for a minute this woman is being loved.
You are the lucky one as hard as that is to hear. Allow yourself to grieve the end of the relationship you had with him. Seek out some help in getting you through this.
I have found this forum extremely supportive and helpful when I went through my divorce. Stay strong and you can get through this.

[1footouttadefog]

You dont know that there is not abuse.

You habe evidence that he os not entorely commited.  He is trying to string you along on the side even while becoming engaged.

I am sure it hurts to be the one broken up woth and moved on from, or almost moved on from as he is still keeping you in the wings.

It reallybsounds like you are lucky to be free from a man who cheats and did not value as you deserve.

Please believe this is a refpection of his character ir lack of it.  You deserve better.

I hope you can check out of this love triangle and heal ajd find your self miving on toward a healthier relationship wotu someone who truely cherishes you.